EPISODE 206 MUSIC AND SFX CREDITS
ORIGINAL MUSIC:
“Carlotta Beautox Theme” by Music by Jesse Billson. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
LIBRARY MUSIC:
CAST:
Samantha Gordon as Carlötta Beautox
Trevor Lissauer as Dave Sarah Agor as Donna and Random Jersey Girl 1 David Allen as Tony No Big and Random Jersey Guy Vivia Armstrong as Stella Amy Lyndon as Aunt Flo Raechel Wong as Basic Amy Hallie York as Angie Frangipani-Nobigliani and Random Jersey Girl 2
Written/Produced/Directed by Ann Sloan
Engineered by Ivan Rivera at Clear Lake Recording in North Hollywood, California
MUSIC:
“Carlotta Beautox Theme” by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Scheming Weasel" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"March of the Spoons" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Umbrella Pants" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"The Chamber" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
"Thinking Music" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
SFX: From FreeSound.org for complete credits visit our website: www.CarlottaPodcast.com
S: Room tone with small ticking clock by Maurice_J_K -- https://freesound.org/s/352310/ -- License: Attribution Noncommercial
S: In Car Driving.aif by RutgerMuller -- https://freesound.org/s/50910/ -- License: Creative Commons 0
S: Car starts and drives off.mp3 by supersplat1 -- https://freesound.org/s/454709/ -- License: Creative Commons 0
S: jacuzzi outdoor vail january 2005 24 bit.wav by BoilingSand | License: Attribution
S: keyboard-typing-long-looping_Gkz4uBVu.wav by imagery2 | License: Attribution
TRANSCRIPT
Season 2 Episode 6
“No Dumpster Fire Like a High School Reunion”
CARLÖTTA VO: When we last left the story, before we randomly veered off to do a musical episode, I had gotten a call from Basic Amy that my house had been broken into and the place was swarming with cops.
OFFICER: Ms. Beautox, we think this was just a prank. But if you experience any more problems, please call Calabasas PD right away.
CARLÖTTA: Thank you, Officer.
DOOR SHUT
CARLÖTTA: My goodness, Basic Amy, what an ordeal.
BASIC AMY: Whoever broke in, didn’t take anything, didn’t damage anything. So, like the officer said, it was probably just some kids.
CARLÖTTA: Maybe I have a stalker? Like that Carlötta Fauxtox character from Twitter?
BASIC AMY: Nah, Twitter trolls are just talk, no action. Try not to worry. Get some rest. You have a big day tomorrow.
CARLÖTTA: I love you, Basic Amy.
THEME SONG
CARLÖTTA: Basic Amy was right, this was a big day. I was headed back to New Jersey for my high school reunion. The first time I’d been back there since becoming a household name! This would be an awesome thing if I hadn’t been so freaked out about everything.
BASIC AMY: I have everything packed: coal mask, goat embryo hand cream, Kegel exerciser by Khloe.
CARLÖTTA: Did you get the stickers?
BASIC AMY: Yes! Two hundred “I went to High School with Carlötta Beautox” stickers per your request.
CARLÖTTA Great. How about extra Sharpies for autographs?
BASIC AMY: Locked and loaded. One thing, though, I couldn’t find your diary.
CARLÖTTA: Really? But I was just writing in it. I think.
BASIC AMY: I searched everywhere. Maybe you left it somewhere? Dave’s?
CARLÖTTA: No! It’s always in my nightstand.
BASIC AMY: It’s not there.
CARLÖTTA: This isn’t possible.
BASIC AMY: I will find it. You go, have a great time in New Jersey. I’m on it, doggonit! Now you better scoot if you’re going to make that flight.
CARLÖTTA VO: Damn Diary, which is what I would be writing if you were actually in my possession. Where the hell did you go? This isn’t good. I don’t go anywhere without you. You hold my secrets. All of the secrets. But Basic Amy is on the case, so I know it’ll be handled.
AUNT FLO: Earth to Kitty. Earth to Kitty.
CARLÖTTA: Sorry Aunt Flo. Got a lot on my mind. Not the least of which was catching you bumping uglies with my manager!
AUNT FLO: Oh grow up. You got it all wrong.
CARLÖTTA: You didn’t have sex with Dave in the hot tub?
AUNT FLO: Oh, I’m not saying that.
CARLÖTTA: So, you did have sex with Dave?
AUNT FLO: You know the saying, “What happens in Van Nuys, stays in Van Nuys.”
CARLÖTTA: No one says that.
AUNT FLO: They do now!
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Missing Diary, Aunt Flo was headed back to Florida (thank God) and I was headed off to Jersey. I was returning to my high school a conquering hero. Me, the girl voted “most likely to be I’m sorry, who are you again?” Well, Pickitinny High, you can suck it because I’m a world-famous celebrity! Try forgetting me now. Just like Romy and Michelle, I’m coming back to rub my beautiful fame in your faces.
MUSIC TRANSITION
BOMB SFX
CARLÖTTA VO: The reunion was held in the gym of our high school, located right near the arsenal.
STELLA: Welcome everybody, sign-ins are at this table. Get a name tag because nobody remembers nobody no more. And get over yourself if you think they do.
CARLÖTTA: Hi, I’m Carlötta Beau…I mean, I’m Kitty Kinnicki.
STELLA: Kitty Kinnicki. Shut up! I know who you are. Get over here, give me a hug. Oh my God, it’s so good to see you.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, Stella, I didn’t think you’d remember me.
STELLA: Remember you? Well, truth, I kinda didn’t. But then you were all over the news and I was like: oh yeah, she was that girl I didn’t sit with in the cafeteria.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah. That was me, all right.
STELLA: So, you’re like famous! How is California? Have you met Brad Pitt? And what’s up with your gas prices?
CARLÖTTA: Ok, I guess, it’s…
STELLA: Listen, go inside. You want something to eat? Hey everybody look! Kitty Kinnicki is here!
JERSEY GIRL 1: How’s California?
JERSEY GIRL 2: What’s Brad Pitt like?
JERSEY GUY 1: How much you pay for gas out there?
CARLÖTTA VO: This was crazy, these are the people who ignored me back in the day and now, they were paying attention to me.
CARLÖTTA: I think gas is like $4.25 I think.
JERSEY GUY 1: Whoa. That’s steep.
CARLÖTTA: I guess.
JERSEY GUY 1: I could never live there because of that. Also it’s like 3 hours earlier there than it is here.
CARLÖTTA Well, yeah, it’s the Pacific Time Zone.
JERSEY GUY 1: That’s so f’ed up. Right? I mean how do you ever get used to that?
CARLÖTTA Well, it’s really not all that…
JERSEY GUY 1: Like the world is eating lunch and it’s breakfast time out there. It’s weird. It’s too weird, you know. Oh crap, incoming!
CARLÖTTA What’s incoming?
JERSEY GUY: Not what. Who. Don’t make eye contact. It’s the Hair Crew. Oh man, they’re coming this way, gotta go. Bye Kitty. Good luck.
CARLÖTTA VO: Ugh. The hair crew. Picatinny’s mean girl squad. Known for their ninja skills in assassinating fragile teenage egos.Also known for their amazing hair. They were led by sociopath and head cheerleader, Angie Frangipani. She had black eyes and historic breasts. As I turned to face her, I hoped the years had warmed her heart, or at least sagged her boobs.
ANGIE: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Kitty Kinnicki.
CARLÖTTA VO: Crap. They hadn’t.
CARLÖTTA: Angie Frangipani.
CARLÖTTA VO: Flanking Angie was Donna Millski, voted “Girl Most Likely to Cut You”
CARLÖTTA: Hi Donna.
DONNA: Whatever.
CARLÖTTA VO: Rounding out their killer triad was Silent Debbie, who never spoke.
CARLÖTTA: Hi Debbie.
(silence)
ANGIE: Anyways, it’s Angie Frangipani-Nobigliani now.
CARLÖTTA: Nobigliani?
ANGIE: Yeah, me and Tony got married. You remember Tony, right?
CARLÖTTA VO: Anthony Nobigliani. Everyone called him Tony No-Big. But he was big: 6 foot 3 inches of white-hot smoking thirst-trap. Dumb as a rock.
ANGIE: Tony catered the affair. His company is called No Big Deal Food. You should eat something. You look very thin.
CARLÖTTA: Thank you. So, Tony’s a cook?
DONNA: A chef. Show some respect.
ANGIE: So, you lost like, what? 40 pounds?
CARLÖTTA: I haven’t lost any weight. I’m just toned.
ANGIE: Toned, my ass. Listen, I hear we’re competing tonight.
CARLÖTTA: Oh?
DONNA: Angie was a shoe-in for Most Successful Alumni until we heard you were coming.
ANGIE: It’s ok, Donna. A little healthy competition never hurt anybody. It’s cool. We’re cool.
CARLÖTTA: May the best woman win.
ANGIE: Go eat something. You’re gonna need sustenance because I’m in it to win it. Let’s bounce, ladies.
CARLÖTTA VO: I shuddered. And off they bounced. I was unscathed. For now. But Angie was right. I was starving. I headed over to get some food. And to see if Tony No-Big was still super hot.
TONY: How’s it going?
CARLÖTTA: Hi, I’m Kitty Kinnicki. Do you know if Tony’s around?
TONY: Yes, I do.
CARLÖTTA: Well, is he?
TONY: Yes, he is. Tony No Big is myself.
CARLÖTTA VO: Wow. Tony No Big was no longer hot. He was wearing a puka shell necklace and crocs with socks. He looked like a bearded VSCO girl. And if that wasn’t weird, he was also no longer big.
TONY: I lost a couple of inches when my arches fell during last year’s flu season. Grab a plate. I’ll talk you through the food.
CARLÖTTA: Great. I’m starving!
TONY: We got a carving station over there, pasta station over there, cannoli station over there. Right here is a whole parm station. There’s chicken parm, veal parm, eggplant parm, turkey parm, unspecified meat parm and my signature dish, Parm parm.
CARLÖTTA Parm parm?
TONY: Yeah, we take a chunk of Parmesan cheese, egg batter it, deep fry, and cover it in red gravy and moozarel.
CARLÖTTA Real food for men who want to clog their arteries fast, right?
TONY: Yeah, you know that Guy Fieri show, Garbage Snacks and Ptomaine Shacks? On Food Network?
CARLÖTTA I think I missed it.
TONY: I cooked this dish for Guy on that show. So, you’re not the only one who’s been on TV. Just sayin’
CARLÖTTA I’m afraid I don’t do dairy.
TONY: Oh boy. One of those. Ok, then, you can stick with my other signature dish: Chicken Wings and Things.
CARLÖTTA: Well I know what wings are, but what are the ‘things’?
TONY: It’s complicated. But it’s mostly deep-fried lips and assholes.
CARLÖTTA VO: Not a great selling point but seemed my safest bet. I hadn’t eaten for hours and was starving. I gotta say the Wings and Things were pretty tasty. I had another plate. Then the festivities were about to get started.
STELLA: Welcome Pickatinny High School alumni. Go Taylor Hams!
CROWD: Go Taylor Hams! Go Hams! (ad-lib here)
STELLA: Ok, shut up! Got a couple a rules before we start. If you win in your category, immediately come up to the stage to get your prize. If you do not come up, or if you are unable to fulfill your duties, you forfeit your title and the first runner up will be awarded. Capishe?
CROWD: Capishe!
STELLA: Let’s start. The first category is Classmate with Most DUIs. Lot of competition in this one. When I call your name please come up.
CARLÖTTA VO: For the first time in my life, I was actually having fun at a high school event. Plus, I was sure to win Most Successful, right? I had global recognition, multiple media appearances, millions of follow---oh. Ouch. My stomach. Something’s not sitting right.
STELLA: Our next category, Classmate with the Most Correctly Spelled Tattoos
CARLÖTTA VO: Oof. My stomach. Suddenly it felt like an army of Chris Christies were stabbing me in the gut.
CARLÖTTA: Do you know when they are getting to Most Successful?
JERSEY GUY: That’s like, the most important category, I’m sure it’ll be last.
CARLÖTTA: Crap.
CARLÖTTA VO: Which was exactly what I had to do…now!
CARLÖTTA: Which way is the bathroom? Gangway! Gangway! Coming through!
CARLÖTTA VO: My stomach was about to explode.
STELLA: Next category: Classmate most likely to get
2nd house down the shore.
CARLÖTTA VO: I made it to the ladies in the nick of time. What happened next I have to keep to myself. It wouldn’t be safe to hear this without a HazMat suit. Suddenly from the loudspeaker in the gym I heard:
STELLA: Ok classmates, we have come to our final category. Most successful. I am pleased to announce this award is going to the person absolutely none of us thought would make a single impact on the world. Give it up for Pickitinny’s own: Kitty Kinnicki.
APPLAUSE + ad-lib “Kitty! Kitty! Where is she? I think I saw her in the ladies.”
STELLA: Kitty! Get your ass up here. Kitty? Is she trying to make an entrance?
CARLÖTTA I’m in here! I’m in the bathroom! Ohhh. Agony. Make it stop!
STELLA: Kitty? Yo, Kitty! Going once, going twice?
CARLÖTTA I’m going a lot more than that! Please...give me a minute! Owwwww.
STELLA: Kitty? Ok, per the rules. If the winner is a no-show, the prize goes to the first runner up who in this case is: Angie Frangipani-Nobigliani!
(Ad-lib: “Angie! Angie! Angie! + Applause)
CARLÖTTA: No!!! Not Angie! No!!!! Oh my God, I think I’m dying in here. No, no, no, make it stop.
CARLÖTTA VO: So Diary, that’s how my glorious return to Pickitinny High went down. Down the toilet. It was awful. I came to an understanding how the chicken wings and things got their nickname. Tony No-Big’s food exited my body via both lips and asshole. A few hours later I emerged from the ladies. The party was winding down.
ANGIE: Kitty Kinnicki! Where did you run off to? We missed you.
CARLÖTTA: Nicely played, Angie.
ANGIE: What?
CARLÖTTA: You poisoned me. That husband of yours fed me tainted wings and things.
ANGIE: You’re crazy.
CARLÖTTA: This is a straight up trope from Real Housewives of New Jersey. And trust me, I’ve seen them all.
ANGIE: Whatever. Why don’t you head on back to Hollywood? You never belonged here, and you still don’t.
CARLÖTTA: You know what? You’re right. I don’t belong here. I got a red carpet calling my name. You may have gotten the Most Successful Alumni crown but I got something you’ll never have: I have thigh gap!!
ANGIE: (GASP!!!!!) Get lost Kitty or Carlötta or whatever you call yourself. Enjoy your gas prices!!
CARLÖTTA VO: That guy who wrote “You can never go home again” was only partially right. You can go home again, it’s just always going to be a dumpster fire. I couldn’t wait to get back to the City of Angels, to Lotusland, to get back to…
CELL PHONE RINGS
CARLÖTTA VO: Oh, speak of the angels…my own angel!
CARLÖTTA: Basic Amy! So good to hear your voice…
BASIC AMY: Carlötta! Hey listen, I never found your diary and I searched everywhere.
CARLÖTTA: Oh no, that’s awful.
BASIC AMY: Do you think it’s possible…that it was stolen during the break-in?
CARLÖTTA: Stolen? But the police said…
BASIC AMY: The police assumed no one was in the house because nothing appeared missing or damaged. But they don’t know for sure and the diary is gone!
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god, this is bad. Crap! That’s Dave on the other line. Basic Amy, I’ll call you back.
CLICK
CARLÖTTA: Dave! I just got awful news from Basic Amy. She thinks my diary may have been stolen. If that falls into the wrong hands, it could ruin me.
DAVE: Listen Carlötta, I have news too. TMZ just announced they’re airing a documentary about you.
CARLÖTTA: What? A doc? Is that going to be good for me?
DAVE: Not sure. They’re calling it a “tell-all” that will reveal the truth and expose you as a fraud.
CARLÖTTA: And you’re not sure whether it’s going to be good for me?
DAVE: I’m an optimist!
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary in my head, I feel like my life is spinning out of control, a house of cards about to collapse. Who the hell did TMZ talk to? What do they have on me? How can they prove I am who I say I am? Like Dave, I have to be an optimist. I have to dig deep and find some inner strength. I remembered that phrase, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” With that, I marched up to Tony No-Big.
CARLÖTTA: Tony, fix me another plate of Lips and Assholes.