episode 207 music and sound effects credits
MUSIC:
“Carlotta Beautox Theme” by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Scheming Weasel" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Music from https://filmmusic.io:
"Cool Vibes" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Classic Horror 2" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
"Sugar Plum Breakdown" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Long Note Three" by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3993-long-note-three License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
"Myst on the Moor" by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/4104-myst-on-the-moor License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
"NewsSting" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"News Theme 2" by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) Artist: http://audionautix.com/
transcript
Season 2 Episode 7 “Burn, Baby, Burn”
CARLÖTTA VO: And just like that my world is crumbling. There’s a TV documentary about to be released that will expose me as a fraud. To make matters worse, I lose you, my dear Diary. You, who contained all my deepest, darkest secrets. You, who knows everything. Now that you’re gone, all I can do is talk to myself and pretend I’m writing in your pages.
THEME SONG
DAVE: Carlötta, this TMZ show is about to come on. You should come downstairs.
CARLÖTTA: No, I want to stay in here. Just hide under the covers.
DAVE: That’s no way to handle it. We gotta see what we’re dealing with.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t wanna.
DAVE: You don’t know what this documentary is about. Maybe it’s positive?
CARLÖTTA: It’s a hit piece, Dave! Doesn’t the title “Carlötta Beautox: Big Old Fauxtox” give you a clue?
DAVE: Come on. You’re a strong woman. Strong women stand up to adversity. Look at Hillary Clinton, what did she do when her world came crumbling down in 2016?
CARLÖTTA: She went walking in the woods to take selfies.
DAVE: OK, bad example. Look, whatever this is, we will face this together. I’m your manager slash landlord and I will always have your back. Now come on. Pull up your big boy Spanks and let’s get this over with.
TMZ THEME
HARVEY LEVIN: Tonight on TMZ. A bombshell. You know her as Carlötta Beautox: self-declared actress, thinktress, influencer-ess. She rocketed to stardom earlier this year claiming to be the renowned artist known as the New Banksy. But a number of people are painting an altogether different portrait of this so-called street artist. Has this media darling been drawing outside the lines of truth? Over the next 60 minutes you’ll discover the real Carlötta Beautox. Gird your loins.
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary-in-my-head-since-my-actual-diary went-missing. People say their life flashes before their eyes right before they die. My career was about to flash before mine.
HARVEY LEVIN: Welcome back to TMZ live. So, who is Carlötta Beautox? To get to the truth, let’s start with someone deeply connected to the megastar. We’re here with party-planner and stylist to the stars, YaYa.
CARLÖTTA: YaYa? YaYa loves me! Surely, they’ll have something nice to say.
YAYA: I knew she was a fraud the moment I laid eyes on her Walmart extensions!
CARLÖTTA: What?
DAVE: Ooof. Harsh.
HARVEY LEVIN: YaYa, you were her friend. What made you come forward now as a whistle-blower to the stars?
YAYA: Harvey, I had a come to Yeezus moment when she destroyed my dear friend Khloe’s house with that attention-whoring stunt.
HARVEY LEVIN: You’re talking about Khloe Kardashian?
YAYA: Kardashian homes are holy places, you know.
CARLÖTTA: What? You secretly hate the Kardashians!
HARVEY: Next up we’ll talk to this man: Dominick Baggadonitz, who once hired Carlötta Beautox to babysit his beloved alpacas.
DOMINICK: She defrauded me, told me she was a trained animal handler. It was bogus. Worse: she seduced Don Jr, my favorite alpaca. He was never the same, I had to put the little fucker down.
CARLÖTTA: That’s a lie! Well, parts of it are!
HARVEY: Faye Dunaway, you had a number of run-ins with Carlötta Beautox over the years.
FAYE: She’s just a poseur, a con-artist. She ruined a vintage Valentino dress and then tried to throw a jar of urine at me!
DAVE: You did?
CARLÖTTA: The first part yeah but the urine was her idea!
TEACHER: I was her kindergarten teacher…
CARLÖTTA: What??? Et tu, Miss Rukland? Et tu?
TEACHER: During nap time, she’d pretend to be asleep. She wasn’t. She was a phony-baloney from way back.
CARLÖTTA: It was the chocolate milk! It used to make me hyper!
NATHAN FILLION: She once snuck on to the set of my show, Castle, pretending to be an extra. And I, being Nathan Fillion and all, could smell inauthenticity a mile away. And I was like all, “Who is this person?”
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, this was bad…but it was about to get worse.
HARVEY: Next on TMZ, you’ll get to meet for the first time ever, anywhere, the real New Banksy who can prove they are the genuine article. They’ll also prove Carlötta Beautox stole their identity! It’s all coming up after the break.
MUSIC BUMPER
CARLÖTTA: The real New Banksy!? I thought there was no real New Banksy, Dave!
DAVE: Yeah, uh, I gotta refresh my beverage. You good?
CARLÖTTA: No, I’m not good!
PHONE PINGS!
CARLÖTTA: Good lord, who can this be? (ping) Oh! It’s a message from Basic Amy! It says, “I’m sorry I’ve been off the grid…family emergency…I had to go to Hong Kong.” She’ll be in touch very soon. Oh man, just more bad news but at least she’s ok.
DAVE: It’s coming back on!
MUSIC THEME
HARVEY Welcome back to TMZ Live. We are here with the person who claims to be the Real New Banksy. They agreed to do this interview only if we obscured their voice and image. Welcome, New Banksy…
NEW BANKSY I prefer the name *pffff*
HARVEY You say Carlötta Beautox stole your identity. In the words of Whitney Houston: show me the receipts.
NEW BANKSY Here’s your receipts! They’re notarized.
DAVE: This is bad. Notary publics never lie!
HARVEY: There is one final damning document. For this we turn to YaYa. So, whaddya got?
YAYA: What I got Harvey Levin, is this…
HARVEY: It appears to be a pink journal with the cover that reads “Do what makes you sparkle”.
YAYA: That’s not just any journal. It’s Carlötta Beautox’s personal diary! On the inside cover, look: “property of Kitty Kinnicki.” Her real name!
CARLÖTTA: What???? That’s my diary! How did they get my diary? This can’t be happening!
HARVEY That’s right viewers—this is happening. We have the official diary of Carlötta Beautox and in it – some damning truths. Let’s turn now to YaYa.
YAYA Ahem: A reading from the book of Beautox. June 10, 2007. “Dear Diary, I’m going to marry Brad Pitt if it’s the last thing I do.” Then she signed it Mrs. Kitty Pitt.
HARVEY: Are those hearts dotting all the “I”s?
YAYA: Harvey, I mean, can you just die?
CARLÖTTA YaYa how could you? This is mortifying.
YAYA And how about this nugget: “Dear Diary, I found out today that Mount Rushmore is not a natural phenomenon. Mind blown.”
HARVEY OK, all that proves is she’s not a rocket scientist. But does that make her a fraud?
YAYA Harvey, that was the appetizer. I hope you’re hungry because here comes the red meat. “Dear Diary, This is all a case of mistaken identity! I’m not this famous artist everyone thinks I am.” Boom. Drop the mic.
(BOOM FALL, THUD)
YAYA Hey idiot sound guy! I didn’t mean literally drop the boom mic on my head.
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, this was horrifying. And if you don’t think it could get worse. Think harder.
HARVEY: Khloe Kardashian, your final thoughts.
KHLOE: There are two kinds of people in this world and Carlötta Beautox isn’t either one of them, ok? I’m not saying her name anymore. Like girl, bye. Oh, and also? I’m suing your ass.
CARLÖTTA: I can’t watch anymore, Dave. Please turn it off. Khloe Kardashian, my idol, my spirit animal just cancelled me! (cries)
DAVE: Please don’t cry, Carlötta. I’m really bad at big emotion. We’ll work it out. First thing tomorrow, what we’ll do is…
DING DONG
DAVE: Whoa. Saved by the doorbell.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, who the hell is this?
DAVE: Maybe someone sent an Edible Arrangement?
CARLÖTTA: Why because my career just got murdered on national TV?
FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN
CARLÖTTA: There’s nobody here. Wait…what’s this?
DAVE: Dibs on the chocolate covered strawberry!
CARLÖTTA: Oh my God. Dave! It’s my diary!
DAVE: Your diary, what? Who put it there?
CARLÖTTA: I don’t know. There’s no one out here. No one on the street.
DOOR SLAM
CARLÖTTA: I can’t believe this. My diary. Oh diary, I missed you. You seem to be ok. You weren’t damaged. Wait…someone’s written on the last page.
DAVE: What does it say?
CARLÖTTA: It says: “You are who you pretend to be. So be careful who you pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut”
DAVE: That’s like on those billboards all over town!
CARLÖTTA: Also it says, “Thanks for the memories! Love Carlotta Fauxtox aka The New Banksy aka Satoshi Nakamoto aka…Basic Amy!”
DAVE: Basic Amy? Your personal assistant?
CARLÖTTA: Basic Amy is my Twitter troll AND the New Banksy AND Satoshi Nakamoto? I thought you said none of them existed.
DAVE: Whoa. This is crazy. It’s like in that movie The Usual Suspects. Everyone thought Keyser Soze didn’t exist but he turns out to be that last person you’d expect—Keven Spacey. Spoiler alert.
CARLÖTTA: What, Basic Amy is now also Kevin Spacey? Is there anyone she’s not? Anyone at all?
DAVE: There’s one person I bet she’s not. She’s not “Basic Amy”. I always knew that was a fake name.
CARLÖTTA: Basic Amy, or whatever her name is, she was behind all of this. It’s so crystal clear: YaYa pushed her on me. They were in cahoots. She spied on me. She stole my diary and gave it to TMZ!
DAVE: It’s creepy for sure.
CARLÖTTA: I was betrayed by everyone. Everyone. Who can I trust?
DAVE: You can always trust me, Carlötta.
PING PING PING
CARLÖTTA: My phone’s blowing up.
DAVE: Twitter. You’re trending.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t want to know. Turn it off.
DAVE: What do you want to do?
CARLÖTTA: First thing? I want to burn the diary.
DAVE: What? You can’t do that! That’s your story!
CARLÖTTA: My story is over, Dave. Turn on the barbeque.
DAVE: Not the barbeque.
WHOOSH! FIRE CRACKLING SFX
DAVE: Please don’t do this, Carlötta.
CARLÖTTA: Pass me the lighter fluid.
DAVE: It’s a gas grill, you don’t need…
CARLÖTTA: PASS ME THE LIGHTER FLUID!
BIG WHOOSH, FIREBALL
CARLÖTTA: Burn baby burn.
HISSING, CRACKLING
DAVE: Whoa, Danarys Targarian much?
CARLÖTTA: It’s the penultimate episode. Burning everything down. It’s how we roll.
CARLÖTTA VO: So dear diary, I had to end it between us. I’m really sorry it came down to this. You were a true friend, sometimes my only friend. But with your perfumed pages now corrupted at the hands of my betrayers, I knew I’d never be able to write in you again. My career was toast…and now so are you! How am I going to survive this? I guess that’s why God invented Season Finales. Talk to you then.