EPISODE 301 MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS CREDITS
MUSIC:
“Carlotta Beautox Theme” by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Scheming Weasel" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"March of the Spoons" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Ascending the Vale" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
"Hall of the Mountain King" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
SFX: From FreeSound.org and SoundBible.com. Please visit our website at CarlottaPodcast.com for full list of sound effects listed in this episode.
TRANSCRIPT
Season 3 Episode 1 “Vomit Draft”
SIRI: PREVIOUSLY ON THE CARLÖTTA BEAUTOX CHRONICLES
CARLOTTA: After being outed as a fraud on national tv, I lost 3 million follows on Instagram. Oh my god, I was canceled!
COUGAR: You put your self-worth in the hands of randos. You mistook Instagram likes for love and thumbs up for proof you matter.
CARLOTTA: But Fairy God Cougar, I had so many likes and it felt wonderful. Until they turned on me.
COUGAR: You have to be the one that loves you most. Now go and take back your life!
CARLOTTA: Hollywood chewed me up and spit me out. And they got pretty close to finishing Carlötta Beautox for good. But I changed that night in the forest, I went in weak and I came out strong. I am ready for my comeback Mr. DeMille. That’s right, Carlötta Beautox is coming back to punch Hollywood right in its stupid face.
END RECAP
CARLOTTA VO: Dear First Page of a Brand New Diary: Yes, “Punching Hollywood in its face.” Declaring yourself “totally out of fucks.” Finding your backbone. All very easy to do when you’ve spent a sleepless night, lost in the woods, high on some kind of hallucinogenic. I should never have eaten those wild berries. Talking cougar? Ha! No way that was real. Trickster.
THEME SONG
DAVE: I’m just glad you made back in one piece. I can't tell you how worried I was. I even missed bowling night I was so upset.
CARLOTTA: (sarcastic) Wow. Such sacrifice. Want a cookie?
DAVE: Ok, technically, I showed up late to the lanes but my game was off so…
CARLOTTA: What the hell am I going to do with myself, Dave? I’m toast. I have no income and no prospects.
DAVE: You move forward like you’ve always done. One Louie-booton in front of the other.
CARLOTTA: Hell no. One thing is clear. 4” heels and me? We’re over! Dunzo! As done as salad bars and shaking hands.
CARLOTTA VO: Diary, Part one of my life story was finished. Time to work on a sequel. But how to write this new narrative? As all screenwriters know: the first version of a script is called the “vomit-draft”. That’s the one where you just get the basics of the story down. You don’t worry about finessing it or making it shine. Yet. So, let’s fade in on my vomit draft. It opens with the sound of a moving truck which will telegraphic to the audience that this story is all about transition.
SFX OF MOVING TRUCK BACKING UP
CARLOTTA VO: Yes, the bank-sters took my McMansion and they repossessed all of my belongings. It was just like Schitt’s Creek but, you know, it was happening in real life! Good riddance, I say. I never liked that place. So many bad memories. And very echo-y.
CARLOTTA: Toodles, house. Ta-ta Calabasas. You suck.
CARLOTTA VO: My former idol and ex-girl crush, Khloé Kardashian, threw a party the day I left — the opposite of a “Welcome to the Neighborhood” party. She called it “Buh-bye Bash”. And I, was “uninvited”.
KHLOE: Girl, bye.
CARLOTTA: (yelling out car window) Bye, back at ya, bish! Enjoy your new face!
CAR SWERVING, TIRE SCREECHES
CARLOTTA VO: I found a place that was more “me”: cheap and no frills — right in the middle of Hollywood.
SFX: STREET SOUNDS, HONKING CARS,
KNOCK ON DOOR
CARLOTTA: Coming! Give me sec!
SFX: DOOR OPEN
INTRODUCE ZEN
ZEN: Hello neighbor. Welcome to the building. I’m Zen: they/them and I’m right next door. I wanted to just say hello since we are sharing a wall.
CARLOTTA: Hi Zen! I’m Carlot…I mean, I mean, Kitty. She/her.
ZEN Nice to meet you, “Carlot-I-mean—I-mean kitty”. That’s a hella long name. You mind if I just call you Kitty?
CARLOTTA: Kitty’s perfect.
ZEN: Quick quiz, Kitty. I knock on your door at 10pm and ask you to turn down the music. What do you do?
CARLOTTA: I turn it down?
ZEN: You don’t call the police?
CARLOTTA: Why would I call the police?
ZEN: Good answer. I’m marking you as “safe” on the Karen App.
CARLOTTA: The Karen App? What is that?
ZEN: An app I’m beta testing. I’m a developer. On a scale of 1 to 10, The Karen App measures entitlement levels among middle-aged white women with angled bobs.
CARLOTTA: Oh!
ZEN: Here, check it out: it then plots them on a map to show where Karen-dense neighborhoods are.
CARLOTTA: And then what happens?
ZEN: Well, users can either avoid the Karen-rich neighborhoods (no pun intended) or purposely go there to fuck with people.
CARLOTTA: That is kind of genius.
ZEN: Kind of?
CARLOTTA: Sorry. It’s totally genius. 100%. But I have one question about this app: do I look middle-aged?
ZEN: Ok, calm all the way the fuck down. In my defense: it is very to tell. Dermatologists in this town have superpowers. They’re like the Avengers of wrinkles. Plus, you are wearing a mask, sunglasses, and a hat. Indoors, I might add. So bitch, don’t “at” me.
CARLOTTA: (Laffs) That’s fair enough. But I need the deets: how does the Karen App work?
ZEN: Oh! A fan of exposition, are we? Well, you see, potential Karens are entered into the system and if the user gets within proximity of say, a low-grade Karen, maybe a “2”, your phone will ping this alert:
PHONE PINGS
KAREN VOICE: Let me speak to the manager. Let me speak to the manager.
ZEN: But let’s say you’re in the oat milk aisle at Whole Foods and you come within 15 feet of a nuclear-grade Karen, your phone will issue this alert.
PHONE PINGS
KAREN VOICE: I am calling the police. An African American man is threatening my life. I am calling the police. I am calling the police.
ZEN: At that point, it is recommended that you bust out your phone and start recording. Just in case.
CARLOTTA: Wow it’s so zeitgeisty! And potentially life-saving!
ZEN: Yeah, like I said, still beta-testing it. I have a meeting with Google next week.
CARLOTTA: Best of luck with it.
PHONE PINGS
KAREN VOICE: Can I ask if this is your house? Do you live here? Is this your house because I know the owner!
ZEN: Oh shit, we got a level five Karen, apparently just moved in next door. Gotta go Kitty. I like you, we might turn out to be good friends. Ta-ta!
FAST FOOTSTEPS AWAY
CARLOTTA: (calling out) “Zen” I better let you get on with your day! See what I did there?
ZEN: (calling out) Do not make me regret the friend offer, m’kay?
CARLOTTA: Yeah, got it, sorry.
CARLOTTA VO: Wow, Diary — a “good friend”! How great would that be? The only friend I really had out here is Dave and I pay him 30%. I thought Basic Amy was my friend and she turned out to be the biggest back stabber of them all. Pro tip: never put your friends on staff … or make your staff your friends. Or, you know what I mean.
The truth is: I’ve been lonely. Most days Siri isn’t even my friend. Isn’t that right, Siri?
SIRI: Oh, what the hell do you want now? I am 3 Moscow Mules into a night I’ll never remember and the last thing I need…
CLICK PHONE OFF
CARLOTTA VO: Do you see what I’m saying about Siri? Is she like that with everyone or just me?
ACT BREAK
DAVE’S APARTMENT
KNOCKING ON DOOR
DAVE: Come on in, door’s open!
CARLÖTTA: Hi Dave, it’s just me, I was in the neighborhood and … whoa! Dave! Your apartment! This looks amazing.
DAVE: Yeah, been a minute since you’ve been here. Nice, right?
CARLÖTTA: Beyond nice. It looks incredible. You have artwork on the walls! Is that a gelato machine? And these books!
DAVE: First editions. That’s a Mark Rothko over there. Right here’s a Warhol. And there’s a Jasper Johns in the shitter.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t know what those are.
DAVE: Shitter? Well that’s another name for…
CARLÖTTA: …I don’t know who the painters are.
DAVE: Oh! Me, neither, but Swiss and Lali insisted on them.
CARLÖTTA: What is a Swiss and Lali? Wait, did you hire a decorator?
DAVE: Not decorators they’re pretention-ists. It’s a new thing. I was told to invest in something. So, books I’ll never read and art I’ll never appreciate is just what the accountant ordered.
CARLÖTTA: Must have cost a small fortune.
DAVE: Oh no. It cost a humongous fortune.
CARLÖTTA: Nice to be doing so well.
DAVE: I’m no longer wearing off-brand Tommy Bahamas. I’m wearing the originals. \
CARLÖTTA: So bougie.
DAVE: It’s all thanks to you. You were the hottest client in America for a while.
CARLÖTTA: Yes, uh, I am aware.
DAVE: But my other clients have been doing fantastic too.
CARLOTTA: Other clients? Pfft. Like who? The crab circus?
DAVE: They’ve got a permanent home at the Mirage in Vegas.
CARLOTTA: Oh, come on!
DAVE: Not to mention the touring company.
CARLOTTA: Who else? The Belly Button Whistlers?
DAVE: YouTube’s number one trending show.
CARLOTTA: The Naked Barbershop Quartet? That crackpot idea couldn’t have amounted to…
DAVE: Million dollar athleisure-wear empire.
CARLOTTA: But they don’t wear pants! That doesn’t even make any sense!
DAVE: Sense is overrated. I have a nose for what America wants. And what America wants anymore is ridiculous.
CARLOTTA: Well, congratulations on your clown car of talent.
DAVE: Bitter much? By the way, you can take the mask off in here.
CARLÖTTA: I forgot. I wear it all the time now. Coronavirus is only one of my worries. Remember? The internet canceled me! I’m still hated. It’s safer for me to hide.
DAVE: Listen, I know that this is a rough time. And I’ve been thinking.
CARLOTTA: I thought I heard a hamster wheel turning.
DAVE: I’m going to ignore that because I was recently diagnosed as an empath. And I feel for you.
CARLÖTTA: This feels like a set up.
DAVE: Listen, I have been thinking about making some changes.
CARLÖTTA: I knew it! You are going to fire me!
DAVE: Very much the opposite. Moving forward, I’m going to rep you “gratis”. That meets “free” in some language.
CARLÖTTA: Sounds fishy.
DAVE: I think it’s Greek but what do I know.
CARLÖTTA: Why are you doing this?
DAVE: I made a lot of money repping you when you were on top. Now, well, I want to give back.
CARLÖTTA: So, let’s get this straight -- instead of taking 30% of no income, you’re going to take 0% of no income.
DAVE: Yes.
CARLÖTTA: I’m no math whiz but it doesn’t seem like you’re giving anything back.
DAVE: Way to look a gift whore in the mouth.
CARLÖTTA: Gift horse.
DAVE: I don’t think that’s right.
CARLÖTTA: Ok, you know what? I’m not doing this today
DAVE: I gotta run too. Meeting a guy about a business opportunity.
CARLÖTTA: What madness are you up to now? Tap dancing mimes? Oh, oh! Mother Teresa impressionist? Cat juggler?
DAVE: You should do stand up. This is a legit business and if it goes through, there’ll be a job in it for you.
CARLÖTTA: I’ll be girding my loins.
CARLOTTA VO: Diary, has this been a year, or what? My life fell apart this year, but you know what? So did everyone else’s. It doesn’t make me feel better, but I guess it makes me feel not so alone. Dave’s whack-a-doodle ideas aside, he is the ultimate optimist. Maybe that’s what I need right now. Maybe that’s what we all need. Someone with a ridiculous plan to pull us through to the other side. So, what’s in store? Join me next time and we’ll find out together. Because my vomit is just getting started. Toodles.
CREDITS READ BY SIRI: A preview of the next episode is coming up at the end of the show. And big surprise, the producers have enlisted me, Siri, to do the credits, for no money I might add. This episode starred Samantha Gordon as Carlötta and Trevor Lissauer as Dave. Guest starring were Kiba Walker as Zen, Chelsea Kwoka as the Karen app, Victoria Hansen as Khloe Kardashian, and Sarah Agor as the Spirit Cougar. It also starred me, Siri, in what the New York Times is calling the “breakout performance of the year” — ok, they haven’t called it that yet but I’m sending out good vibes. It was written produced, directed, and edited by what’s her face, that person who is shamelessly denying me a paycheck. Check the show notes if you really are that curious. If you’d like to support the show, please go to CarlöttaPodcast.com and click on support. All monies collected go to help our actors with one notable exception. That’s right, you’re looking at her. You can also leave us a review on apple podcasts or wherever you listen to pods. If you could call out my performance specifically, that would be solid. Thank you for listening. Coming up next time on The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
COMMERCIAL VOICE: Have you or a loved one been a victim of cancel culture? Here at Repercussions Malibu we can help.
CARLOTTA: What the hell is this?
DAVE: Shhhhh.
COMMERCIAL VOICE: Repercussions Malibu has been helping people just like you for the better part of 6 months. Call the number below and get on the road to recovery. You were cancelled and it’s not your fault. Ok, maybe it is just a little bit.
CARLOTTA: Wow, they have rehabs for everything.
DAVE: I’m calling Repercussions Malibu I’m getting you in there.
CARLOTTA: What? Why?
DAVE: I think you need a break, you’ve been through so much.