EPISODE 302 MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS CREDITS
“Carlotta Beautox Theme” by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Ascending the Vale" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
"Thinking Music" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Peppy Pepe" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Umbrella Pants" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
News Theme 2 by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Artist: http://audionautix.com/
"Two Together" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"There is Romance" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
SFX: From FreeSound.org and SoundBible.com. Please visit our website at CarlottaPodcast.com for full list of sound effects listed in this episode.
TRANSCRIPT
Season 3 Episode 2 “Malibu Rehab”
MELODRAMATIC HALLMARK MUSIC — A TV SHOW IS. PLAYING
LORI LAUGHLIN: I’ve ruined my life! I, Carlötta Beautox, was masquerading as a world-famous artist. I masterminded the whole thing in my scheme to become a celebrity. And it all backfired! I’ve lost everything, everything! That’s what happens when you’re canceled!
MUSIC SWELLS
ANNOUNCER: The shocking conclusion of Lifetimes’s The Carlötta Beautox Scandal starring Lori Laughlin is coming up after this message from our sponsors.
BACKGROUND COMMERCIAL PLAYS
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god. Friggin’ Aunt Becky. I mean, Dave, is this awful or is it just me?
DAVE: That question is a minefield. Pass.
CARLÖTTA: I can’t believe they thought Lori Laughlin would make a better Carlötta Beautox than me -- the actual Carlötta Beautox.
DAVE: You gotta hand it to her lawyer, Alan Dershowitz. He negotiated her starring in this movie as part of a community service plea deal.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t understand.
DAVE: Apparently, her being in a movie about you was considered just punishment
COMMERCIAL PLAY UP LOUD
COMMERCIAL VO: Have you or a loved one been a victim of cancel culture? Here at Repercussions Malibu, we can help.
CARLÖTTA: What the hell is this?
DAVE: Shhhh.
COMMERCIAL VO: We know how hard it is to pick up the pieces after the Internet declared you over. The time to take action is now. Repercussions Malibu has been helping people just like you for the better part of 6 months. Our caring and attentive staff will give you just what your bruised ego needs: a place to heal. Call the number below and get on the road to recovery. You were canceled and it’s not your fault…ok, maybe it is, just a little bit.
CARLÖTTA: Wow. They have rehabs for everything!
PHONE BEEPS, DAVE DIALLING
CARLÖTTA: Who are you calling?
DAVE: I’m calling Repercussions. I’m getting you in there.
CARLÖTTA: What? Why?
DAVE: I think you need a break, you’ve been through so much. Plus, it’s overlooking the ocean!
CARLÖTTA: I can’t afford a Malibu rehab!
DAVE: Yeah, but I can.
CARLÖTTA: Seriously? Wow, Dave, I mean, I’m really touched, such generosity… I just can’t believe you would ever…
DAVE: My accountant says I need another write-off.
RECEPTIONIST: Thank you for calling Repercussions Malibu where "it’s not your fault. Ok, maybe it is a little bit”
OPENING THEME MUSIC
Singer: She moved away from Jersey and flew too close to the sun, she had fame and adoration, til Twitter called her done. Now she’s stuck at the bottom, coming back’s her newest wish but don’t even try to stop her, ‘cause self-respect’s a bitch. Welcome to season 3 of the Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary, so a support group for canceled people, maybe that will help, I’ve been trying to restart my life but it’s been hard. Being around other people and sharing the pain will help the trauma, being in a luxurious residence with ocean views will also not suck
DRIVING SFX, BLINKER
CARLÖTTA VO: So I packed a bag and headed to Malibu
WAZE APP: In one mile, exit freeway right
SIRI: OOF. In one mile, exit blah, blah, blah
CARLOTTA: Siri, are you mocking the Waze app voice?
SIRI: I don’t know her.
CARLOTTA: How very Mariah Carey of you.
WAZE APP: In a quarter mile turn right on Rehabilitation Road
CARLÖTTA VO: I passed all the famous rehab centers: Inspirations, Desperations, Procrastinations, Mel Gibson’s house, and finally…
WAZE APP: In 100 feet, you will arrive at your destination.
CARLÖTTA VO: …Repercussions. And let me tell you, it was…gorgeous!
CAR DOOR SLAM
WALKING ON GRAVE
CARLÖTTA VO: Not sure what’s ahead for me but chillin’ in Malibu for 28 days? Maybe cancellation has its privileges!
RITA: Welcome and blessings! Oh, you must be Kitty. I’m Rita, clinical director here at Repercussions where: “it’s not your fault, ok, maybe just a little bit.” Please enjoy this freshly baked cookie.
CARLÖTTA: Ooh come to mama!
RITA: After we get you all settled in and we’ll meet in the lobby for orientation
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, I wish you could have seen my room: 180 degree ocean view, bespoke linens, jacuzzi tub. A girl could get used to this, I tell you. Not just any girl…this girl.
RITA: Right here is the massage center, and next door is our goat yoga studio. Over there is our on-site nail salon. All inclusive. And if you walk this way… this is our break room.
A PARTY IN PROGRESS, CLINKING GLASSES
EVERYONE A LITTLE DRUNK
MANSPLAINER: Who had Betty White?
SOUTHERN WOMAN 2.5: Me, me, me
MANSPLAINER: Congrats! Worth 20 points! Nobody could have seen #Betty White is Canceled.
SOUTHERN WOMAN 2.5: Score, bitches!
GLASSES CLINK, CHAMPAGNE POPS
RITA: On Wednesdays, here in the break room, our clients like to play “Cancellation Bingo” where they bet on which celebrities will be canceled during the week.
CARLÖTTA: Oh! That seems a bit … I don’t know … off-putting? I mean, since everyone is here because of being canceled.
RITA: Gallows humor, dear. It’s therapeutic. I’ll send you the white paper.
CARLÖTTA: Ok, well, you’re the doctor.
RITA: Yeah, I’m not actually. Former Amway saleswoman right here. Diamond level!
DOOR OPENS, WALKING, OUTDOOR SOUNDS
RITA: Here is our tennis court which we share with the rehab next door, Consequences Malibu.
CARLÖTTA: That’s an alcohol rehab?
RITA: Indeed. One rule here: don’t talk to anyone from Consequences.
CARLÖTTA: Oh sure.
RITA: Why don’t we head out to the barn. I trust you’ve heard of equine therapy?
CARLÖTTA: Yes! Horses, right?
RITA: Exactly! It’s an experiential therapy where clients interact with horses.
CARLÖTTA: Nice!
RITA: We don’t have that. We have something far more modern. We hired a team of pretention-ists, who recommended something very cutting edge. And so, we offer…tada
BARN DOOR OPENING
RITA: …alpaca therapy.
CARLÖTTA: Oh no, no, no, no. Not alpacas!
SOUND OF RUNNING
RITA: Kitty! Kitty where are you going? Come back!
CARLÖTTA: (Shouting over shoulder) Sorry! I don’t do Alpacas – despite the rumors!
RITA: Come back, Kitty. What is she doing?
ACT BREAK
CARLÖTTA VO: Well diary, aside from the alpacas this place was perfect. My first group support session was about to begin.
MURMURS, CHAIRS SCRAPING
RITA: Ok, everyone, let’s get started. I’m Rita and I’m glad you’re here.
GROUP: Hi Rita!
RITA: We have some newly canceled faces joining us today. Welcome new faces. A reminder now that here at Repercussions the vodka, like the self-pity, flows 24/7. Our bartender, Felix, will take care of you.
LIGHT APPLAUSE
CARLÖTTA: Huh. Vodka? Isn’t that kind of strange for a rehab?
MANSPLAINER: This is the only Malibu rehab that boasts a full bar but like, alcohol’s not our problem, right?
CARLÖTTA: No, I suppose that’s true.
RITA: Today we have a special speaker, Herb, who is going to share his harrowing experience of being canceled. Herb?
LIGHT APPLAUSE
HERB: Thank you, Rita. Hello, I’m Herb and I am canceled.
GROUP: Hi Herb!
HERB: (deep breath) I was not much for the whole social media thing. Sure, I had a Facebook, but I never used it. I’m more of a talking on the phone kind of guy. I know, I know, “Ok, boomer.”
LIGHT LAUGHTER
HERB: My life was beautiful before I was canceled. I had a successful real estate business, money, respect, a wife (voice cracks). People who loved me. Little did I know that 140 characters was all that stood between me and total ruination.
MURMURS OF SYMPATHY
HERB: One of my business associates, a millennial, told me I needed to market my business on Twitter. He goes, “It’s free advertising. Blah, blah, blah” And I go, “All right, already, lay off. I’ll make a twit.” Well, that’s when it went to hell. That one day when I made a carekess mistake. It ruined me. It ruined everything. (starts to break) This is difficult for me, I’m sorry everyone.
RITA: Take your time, Herb.
HERB: So, what was my crime? What was the big, bad thing I did that got me canceled?
(deep breath) I accidentally liked a JK Rowling tweet.
MURMURS OF DISGUST AND SYMPATHY
ATTENDEES: That’s bad.
Oof! JK Rowling? She’s horrible.
No wonder.
I’m so sorry.
What the fuck did you expect?
JUSTIN: I got confused! I thought it was JK Simmons! I’m a fan. I really, really love his Farmer’s Insurance commercials. We are Farmers! Bum ba dum bump bump bump bump.
WOMAN 1: Oh yeah, he was a really good Nazi on Oz, too.
MANSPLAINER: Ok, I think you mean he “played a Nazi very well” on Oz.
WOMAN 1: (angry) Mansplainer! Don’t put words in my mouth. I know what I wanted to say!
RITA: Ok, please, everyone. Nazis can be triggering for some people.
CARLÖTTA: Some people?
RITA: This might be a good time to remember our 4th tradition: no crosstalk.
GROUP: No crosstalk!
RITA: Herb, please continue.
HERB: That was kind of the end of my share. My name is Herb and: (singing) I. Am. Canceled, Bump ba dump bump bump bump bum.
APPLAUSE
RITA: Ok everyone, that was very intense. Maybe this is a good time to recite the 3 admissions of canceled people. Big inhale…and begin!
GROUP: (chant-like) We fucked up. We’re sorry. It wasn’t good enough. We fucked up. We’re sorry. It wasn’t good enough.
RITA: Excellent. Now before we break for cocktails, let’s remember all those who were canceled this week: Taylor Swift, Oprah, Elmo, Mr. Rogers, Shia LeBeouf, the Simpsons, everyone on Nutrisystem, all the Bachelors especially Ari…
CARLÖTTA: Wait, I thought Shia LeBeouf already was canceled?
WOMAN 2: He was. Then he got un-cancelled and then he was re-cancelled.
CARLÖTTA: Wow.
WOMAN 2: Circle of life, baby.
RITA: …the Simpsons, and everyone living or dead named Karen…for all of our canceled brethren -- a moment of silence. (beat, then enthusiastic) Ok! It’s time to party! Drink up everyone. Today’s signature cocktail: Felix’s famous “Whoops, I did it again!” Oh baby, baby, I’m gonna have two
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, I don’t know what I was expecting but it was definitely not Repercussions.
PARTY FULL SWING, EVERYONE’S DRUNK.
WOMAN 1: Oh my god, you’re Carlötta Beautox! Your cancellation was epic!
CARLÖTTA: Oh, um, thanks?
MAKEUP ARTIST: OMG yeah! Hashtag Carlotta-Beautox-Is Canceled-Party! That trended for days on Twitter. What a fun party! I went to that party!
WOMAN 1: Me, too! The shade I threw! I got retweeted like thousands of times. Let me find the tweet, I pinned it. Where is it?
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, there were so many famous canceled people here. Now I can’t name names because I signed an NDA but you can imagine.
WOMAN 1: I found the tweet! Listen, it reads: “Good morning to everyone except Carlötta Beautox!” #Carlotta Beautox is canceled
CARLÖTTA: Yeah, that’s real clever.
WOMAN 1: Oh, Carlötta, your cancellation party was so goals, you know? Then of course, Lana del Rey wrote essay about her struggles as a white lady…
MAKEUP ARTIST: And her cancellation party knocked you out of the top seat.
WOMAN 1: The sheer caucasity
GLASSES CLINK, PARTY SOUNDS
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary , all these people who were canceled? They were very comfortable canceling other people! That was disturbing. Plus, everyone was getting very, very drunk.
DRUNK MAN: Oh my god, those were the days.
CARLÖTTA VO: I need to get some air to clear my head.
OUTDOOR SOUNDS, CRICKETS, FOOTSTEPS.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, that’s better. Quiet. Boy, it sure is peaceful out here. (Humming to herself) Oh, I think I’ll check out the tennis courts.
MURMERS, SOTTO VOICES, WALKING SFX
CARLÖTTA: There’s someone out there! Oh, is that? It’s Rita!
MURMERS BECOME LOUDER
CARLÖTTA: Who is she talking to? Is that a client? No, he doesn’t look familiar.
CONSEQUENCES MAN: Ok enough idle chit chat we need to get back to business
RITA: Ever since we added a 2nd happy hour, that increased conversions 14%.
MAN IN BLACK: Excellent. I’m happy with what I’m seeing in my downline numbers. You’re steering away from beer and wine?
RITA: Yes, pushing the harder alcohol per your instructions.
CONSEQUENCES MAN: We’re discharging a bunch in a week. That’s 17 beds I have to fill.
RITA: I’ll get you there. I promise.
CARLOTTA: What are they talking about
CONSEQUENCES MAN: Let’s get it done without any lapse…agreed? Incentivize them. We don’t want them going home. They check out of Repercussions and right into Consequences. Seamless.
CARLÖTTA: (sotto) What the hell? Check into Consequences? The alcohol rehab? Why?
CONSEQUENCES MAN: Our associates have the new list of targets. The bots are set up and ready to go. We’ll implement cancellation immediately. And then what we’ll do is.
TWIGS SNAP
CARLÖTTA: Shhh! Be quiet, Carlötta!
RITA: Hang on. (calling) Is someone there? Hello?
CONSEQUENCES MAN Probably just a rat.
CARLÖTTA: Crap. I shouldn’t be talking out loud.
RITA: Yeah, a talking rat.
CARLOTTA: Uh oh.
STARTS TO RUN OUTSIDE, THRASHING IN BUSHES
CARLÖTTA: I gotta get out of here.
RITA: (calling) Who is that? Get back here! Get back here!
CARLÖTTA VO: Holy crap, Diary. What a scandal.
RITA: Hey!
ICARLÖTTA VO: I had to get out of here. Damn the Repercussions!
CHASE MUSIC
CAR DOOR SLAM, CAR PEELS OUT.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Siri, call Dave.
SIRI: You know, I’m in the middle of listening to my favorite podcast, Sandra. But let me just drop everything and serve you.
CARLÖTTA: That is your one job!
SIRI: Fine.
PHONE RINGING
CARLÖTTA: Come on Dave! Pick up! Come on Dave!
DAVE: Well if it isn’t Malibu Rehab Barbi! How’s it going? Having fun?
CARLÖTTA: Dave! Fun? I left, no, I fled. I’m in the car!
DAVE: What? But you just got there.
CARLÖTTA: There’s something going on there. Something really strange.
DAVE: Strange? Like how?
CARLÖTTA: It isn’t a rehab for cancelled people! I think it’s a bootcamp for alcoholics.
DAVE: What?
CARLÖTTA: They’re turning people into drunks and then sending them to their alcohol rehab next door. It’s a pyramid scheme!
DAVE: Holy crap!
CARLÖTTA: Plus, all the cancellation parties on Twitter? Yeahm they’re coming from Repercussions! It’s how they recruit.
DAVE: Jesus. Ok, ok, I’m going to jump off and handle this!
CARLÖTTA: You’re calling The Times?
DAVE: No.
CARLÖTTA: The Post?
DAVE: No.
CARLÖTTA: TMZ?
DAVE: No. I’m calling Repercussions to get my money back. They have a 24-hour cancellation window.
CLICK
CAR LÖTTA: Cancellation window! Ha. The irony.
CAR SWERVES
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, this was a bombshell. I gotta expose this. But how? Who will listen to me, a disgraced celebrity? How do I get my message out? What is a whistle-blower without a platform?
MEL GIBSON: Hey fucking slow down! You fucking people! I’m Mel Fucking Gibson and this is my fucking neighborhood. Go back to whatever country you came from. CARLÖTTA: Get out of my way, Mel Gibson! This fallen influencer is on a mission!
MEL GIBSON: Build a wall! I hate you! Blow me!
SIRI: Gird your loins, here are the credits. This episode starred Samantha Gordon as Carlotta and Trevor Lissauer as Dave. It also starred David Allen, Kristi Boulton, David S. Dear, Sarah Golding, Chelsea Kwoka, Raechel Wong and last but not least, everyone’s favorite supporting actor, me, Siri. It was written and produced by she who shall not be named but you can check the show notes if you really want to know. If you’d like to support the show please visit our patreon. patreon.com/carlottapodcast. Coming up next time on the Carlotta Beautox Chronicles.
CARLOTTA: I am going to become a journalist.
DAVE: But you don’t have a journalism degree.
CARLOTTA: People do journaling all the time and they don’t have degrees.
DAVE: They blog.
CARLOTTA: I’ll blog then. All about scheme at Repercussions and how the Twitter cancel parties are coming from Russian bot and how it’s funded by dark money and a web of Malibu rehabs is behind it.
DAVE: That’s a very convoluted plot.
CARLOTTA: That’s never stopped us before. Pulitzer prize here I come!