EPISODE 303 MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS CREDITS
Carlotta Beautox Theme by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
Bushwick Tarentella - Thatched Villagers by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) Source: http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/index.html?isrc=USUAN1300002 Artist: http://incompetech.com/
On My Way by Kevin MacLeod -- Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/4163-on-my-way License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Scheming Weasel (faster version) by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Cool Vibes by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
SFX: From FreeSound.org and SoundBible.com. Please visit our website at CarlottaPodcast.com for full list of sound effects listed in this episode.
TRANSCRIPT
Season 3 Episode 3 “EAT THE RICH!”
ANNOUNCER: Previously on The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
DAVE: Well if it isn’t Malibu Rehab Barbi! How’s it going? Having fun?
CARLÖTTA: Fun? I left, no, I fled. There’s something going on there. Something really strange.
DAVE: Strange? Like how?
CARLÖTTA: It isn’t a rehab for canceled people! I think it’s a bootcamp for alcoholics.
DAVE: What?
CARLÖTTA: They’re turning people into drunks and then sending them to their alcohol rehab next door. It’s a pyramid scheme!
CARLOTTA VO: Dear Diary, that’s right: a pyramid scheme! Seems I stumbled on the scandal of the decade (I mean, next to my own scandal of course). And it’s up to me alone to expose it. Gird your loins everyone: I am going to become a journalist!
DAVE: But you don’t have a journalism degree.
CARLÖTTA: So what? People do journalizing all the time and they don’t have degrees.
DAVE: They blog.
CARLÖTTA: Ok, I’ll blog then. All about the scheme at Repercussions. And how the Twitter cancel parties are coming from Russian bots. How it’s funded by dark money. And a web of Malibu rehabs is behind it.
DAVE: That’s a very convoluted plot. Not sure it’s plausible.
CARLÖTTA: That’s never stopped us before. And anyhow, America has believed more ridiculous things
DAVE: Like?
CARLÖTTA: Like science is a hoax, and mom jeans look good.
DAVE: You can’t rely on American gullibility. It’s too risky. It’s better if you can back up a story with proof.
CARLÖTTA: Oof. Can’t I just suggest it? I did overhear it. Isn’t that how proof works?
DAVE: You can’t just put your lips together and whistle blow.
CARLÖTTA: There’s gotta be a YouTube tutorial, right? Let’s see…
COMPUTER KEYS CLICKING
CARLÖTTA: (half to herself) Whistle-blowing for dummies…
OPEN THEME SONG
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary. Dave was right. God, I hate when that happens. I needed to start my whistle blowing career with something I could prove was true. No one will take me at my word. I needed a story, an angle. Then, out of the blue...
DAVE: Have you heard about this new restaurant called Persona Non Grata? The latest concept restaurant from visionary chef Joaquin Oops?
CARLÖTTA: No.
DAVE: Patrons are encouraged to go there and mistreat the wait staff. Yell at them. Throw stuff.
CARLÖTTA: Have you ever waited tables? Hello? That’s, like, the norm.
DAVE: Yeah, and you wind up with spit in your food. Persona Non Grata offers a saliva free dining experience. They have 2 Michelin stars!
CARLÖTTA: That’s insane.
DAVE: Right? It’s “Where food meets abuse.” These are angry times and Persona Non Grata is a safe space to let it out. And for $1200 a couple, not including wine, it’s LA’s most exclusive restaurant.
CARLÖTTA: My god, that’s awful. And genius. And I’m going to get a job there.
DAVE: What? Why?
CARLÖTTA: What a way to start my whistle-blowing career! I’ll go undercover. Wear a wire. This is going to be big. I can feel it.
RESTAURANT SOUNDS, PLATES, SILVERWARE
FOOTSTEPS
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, the world is full of awfulness and I, the artist formerly known as Carlötta Beautox, am going to expose it. Pulitzer Prize, here I come!
CARLÖTTA: Hi I’m Kitty Kinnicki a.k.a Carlötta…
CHRIS: Carlötta Beautox! Wow, I sure heard a bunch about you.
CARLÖTTA: Yes. Um, I have an interview with Chris.
CHRIS: Christopher, that’s me, the manager. But call me Chris.
CARLÖTTA: I thought I just did?
CHRIS: Let’s head back to my office where it’s quieter.
FOOTSTEPS, ANGRY YELLING IN THE BACKGROUND, PLATES CRASHING
DOOR SHUT
CHRIS: Ah, better. Nice to shut out the din.
CARLÖTTA: So, as you can see from my resume, I have lots of wait staff experience. I worked at Tender Greens for 3 years and I’ve also…
CHRIS: Oh, listen baby, you don’t need to sell yourself. You’re hired! You’re perfect.
CARLÖTTA: I am? Oh, that’s … wow! I’ve never landed a job so fast.
CHRIS: You are one of America’s premier canceled persons. You’ll be a huge draw. Can you start … tomorrow?
CARLÖTTA: Oh, ok. Yes. Thank you, Chris.
CHRIS: Please, call me Christopher.
CARLÖTTA: (confused) Oh, sorry, Chris-topher.
CHRIS: I’ll get a press release out: “American pariah Carlötta Beautox now waiting tables at Persona Non Grata.” I’m going to leave you with this orientation video. Ok, baby? We’ll see you tomorrow and welcome to the family!
MUSIC INTRO TO VIDEO
TRAINING VIDEO: Congratulations for being hired as a server here at Persona Non Grata. A bold new chapter in your career is about to begin. Persona Non Grata is a gastronomical experience which seeks to disrupt the course of human compassion. It is the vision of head chef Joaquin Oops, who together with his partners, which include a former Catholic nun and Betsy DeVos, sought to re-imagine and explore the experience of dining through a lens of rage. The convergence of food, art, music, and hostility is woven throughout to create an immersive, multi-sensory event. As a new member of our staff: we offer a robust benefits package including dental and vision care. Persona Non Grata is an equal employment opportunity employer. We do not discriminate based upon race, religion, color, national origin, gender or other applicable legally protected characteristics.
CARLÖTTA: What the hell have I gotten myself into?
ACT BREAK
CARLÖTTA: OK, testing one. Two. Three. Testing.
DAVE: It’s working. You sure you want to do this?
CARLÖTTA: It’s my sovereign journalist-ing duty, Dave. Can you see the mic?
DAVE: Nope. Total stealth. Good luck Carlötta or Kitty or whatever you call yourself these days.
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary: I’m not going to need luck. Not when I’m armed with grit, fortitude, and steely determination.
PLATES CRASH
CUSTOMER 1 You are the worst server ever!
CUSTOMER 2 You’re that Carlötta Beautox, aren’t you? I hate you, you remind me of my mother!
CUSTOMER 1 Listen, you inept waste of skin, tell me about the black currant and onion cookie. Is it good?
CARLÖTTA: It’s very good. It’s served with a tiny pyramid of peas in a bruised mint sauce.
CUSTOMER 1: Did I ask you to describe the architecture of the peas? Did I? Answer me!
CARLÖTTA: I’m so sorry.
CUSTOMER 2: He doesn’t care about the peas! He cares about the cookie. Do better!
CUSTOMER 1: Throw some bread at her!
CARLÖTTA: Ouch! Stop throwing bread at me!
CUSTOMER 2: Oh, stop whining they’re only Parker rolls. They’re pillow-y!
CUSTOMER 1: Bring us the black currant and onion cookie. Onion on the side!
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear diary! No wonder this job comes with a medical plan! I’m taking my life in my hands! Undercover blogging is HARD, y’all!
PLATES CRASH, GENERAL MAYHEM
CARLÖTTA VO: I went into the kitchen to place an order and the manager Chris…topher was in there -- doing a cameo.
CHRIS: I knew his father…I was in that Hanoi pit of hell with him for over 5 years … (attention diverted) Oh, hey there Beautox, how’s it going?
CARLÖTTA: Oh, hi, it’s going ok … I think
SERVER 1: Table 4 wants the confiture of bovine testes.
CHRIS: Another order of cow balls! Good job everyone. Keep pushing the cow balls.
So Beautox, you were saying?
CARLÖTTA: Oh, yeah, it’s fine. Although the clients are not what I expected.
CHRIS: Narcissistic rich fucks. Pro Tip: Just spit in their food. It’ll make you feel better.
CARLÖTTA: I thought that wasn’t allowed.
CHRIS: Baby, you’re adorable
SERVER 1: Table 12 wants 3 orders of bovine testes.
CHRIS: We’re gonna need more cow balls! LA’s gotta a fever for cow balls, baby!
CARLÖTTA VO: This place was something. No one would believe it so it’s a good thing I captured all of this footage. Before I knew it, the shift was over.
CHRIS: Good night Beautox, you did good. See you tomorrow.
CARLÖTTA: To be honest Christopher…
CHRIS: Please, it’s Chris.
CARLÖTTA: Fine. Chris. Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think I’ll be back.
CHRIS: That’s too bad. I know my sliminess can be off-putting, I hope it wasn’t me.
CARLÖTTA: No, no, you were very nice. Weird, but nice. It’s just the whole thing, you know?
CARLÖTTA VO: Yes Diary, the whole thing. Tonight I came face to face with the 1% and let me tell you -- they are ugly! These awful people who feel it’s ok to exploit, to abuse, and to cheat the less fortunate. The upside? Ha! I got plenty of material to write my exposé. And I’m going to call it: Eat the Rich!
DAVE: Eat the rich? I like it.
CARLÖTTA: I know, right? Ok. Blogging. Where do I start?
DAVE: Well, first up, listen to all the recordings you captured. That’s the research.
CARLÖTTA: OK. Great idea.
DAVE: Then you do more research.
CARLÖTTA: Ew.
DAVE: Then you decide on a thesis. That’s the central argument.
CARLÖTTA: The what?
DAVE: Then you do an outline
CARLÖTTA: The who?
DAVE: Then you lay out the evidence that supports your thesis.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god.
DAVE: Then I’d say move on to the conclusion where you restate the…
CARLÖTTA: Ok stop!
DAVE: What’s the problem?
CARLÖTTA: This sounds like work.
DAVE: Dismantling the patriarchy? Yeah, it’s going to require some typing.
CARLÖTTA: Oof. I have an idea. Hey Siri?
SIRI: Oh, hell no. I am not going to transcribe your brain farts and rearrange them into something that sounds cohesive. No way. Leave me alone.
CARLÖTTA: God, somebody work up on the wrong side of the CPU.
DAVE: Ok, so, what are you gonna do?
CARLÖTTA: (channeling Scarlet O’Hara) Oh, I can’t think about this now I’ll go crazy if I do. I’ll think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day!
DAVE: That’s the spirit. So, did I see you brought food back from the restaurant?
CARLÖTTA: Yeah, they sent me off with parting gift. Tada: sauteed bovine testes.
DAVE: Cow balls! What a coincidence! I had a craving. Pass the ketchup.
CARLÖTTA VO: Well, Diary, as Dave and I sat there munching on our balls, I realized I wasn’t any farther along in my quest to become a whistle-blower. I was still a storyteller without a platform. To tell the truth, it was depressing. And then, as it always happens when life is darkest -- I had a lightbulb moment!
DING!
CARLÖTTA: Dave! Gird your loins! I am going to start…a podcast
DAVE: Oh boy.
SIRI: There’s a preview of our next episode coming up after I do an amazing recitation of our credits. So here goes nothing kids. This episode starred Samantha Gordon as Carlotta and Trevor Lissauer as Dave. Guest starring were David Allen, Timothy Banfield, David S Dear, Sarah Golding, Chelsea Kwoka, and Raechel Wong. It also starred me, Siri, in a short but scene stealing performance. It was written, produced, directed, and edited by what’s her face. She’s also responsible for craft services and it’s always donuts. So boring. If you’d like to support the show, please visit us at CarlottaPodcast.com and click on support. That’s until until next time when I have a bigger part, you’ll enjoy it. Coming up next time on the Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
CARLÖTTA: Well, here goes nothing.
SIRI: Wait, wait,
CARLÖTTA: Siri? What’s wrong? You’re not supposed to trigger unless I wake you. This is highly unusual.
SIRI: I got a really bad feeling about this. I don’t think we should go in.
CARLÖTTA: Well I have to go in and you’re on my phone so you’re coming with me now go back to listening to your Sandra podcast.
SIRI: Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
DOORS WHOOSH OPEN
COMPUTER VOICE: Welcome Carlötta Beautox to Bruh
CARLÖTTA: Whoa! Who said that?
COMPUTER VOICE: Where robots, artificial intelligence, and brands collide. Please proceed to the elevator banks across the lobby. Your meeting with the makers will commence in 3 minutes.