EPISODE 305 MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS CREDITS
Bushwick Tarentella - Thatched Villagers by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) Source: http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/index.html?isrc=USUAN1300002 Artist: http://incompetech.com/
Scheming Weasel (faster version) by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY
(http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Cool Vibes by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
News Theme 2 by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Artist: http://audionautix.com/
"NewsSting" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"March of the Spoons" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
SFX: From FreeSound.org and SoundBible.com. Please visit our website at CarlottaPodcast.com for full list of sound effects listed in this episode.TRANSCRIPT
SEASON 3 EPISODE 5 “PODICITIS”
CARLOTTA VO: Dear Diary, I made a promise to my spirit cougar to live authentically. I was going to punch Hollywood and all the power structures in the face. And so far, I hadn’t really done it. I was still on the receiving end of someone else punching down. Again. As usual. The same pattern since junior high.
I never became whistle blower, I never started a blog. I didn’t expose the charlatans behind Little Kaia, or the horrible clients at Persona Non Grata, or the con artists at the Repercussions Rehab.
I was still as voiceless and powerless as ever and the season was half-way over! Then, as happens in life, when you’re lost and alone, something comes across your radar that will change your destiny. Some call that synchronicity.
But really, it’s just an algorithm based on your browsing history.
CARLOTTA: Hey Dave, have you heard of Pod-icitis?
DAVE: No, but it sounds itchy.
CARLOTTA: It’s not a disease. It’s a podcasting convention. There’s this ad that keeps popping up on my Instagram feed. Look: “Pod-icitis: Catch it! And become a professional podcaster.”
DAVE: Oh, yeah, the podcasting thing. You mentioned that a couple of weeks ago. I was hoping that was just a phase.
CARLOTTA: I’m doing this, Dave. You are looking at the world’s newest podcaster!
OPENING THEME MUSIC
DAVE: Pod-icitis. It’s billed as the Netflix of Podcast Conventions. So maybe it’s legit. Well, what the hell, go for it.
CARLOTTA: Here’s to my next phase.
DAVE: To your next phase! Speaking of phases, I have an announcement. Remember that deal I was working on?
CARLOTTA: The big secretive thing?
DAVE: Yeah. Well, I closed on it.
PAUSE, CRICKETS
CARLOTTA: They don’t call it “comfortable silence”, Dave. For god sakes, just spill the damn news!
DAVE: You are looking at the owner of the new: Bowl-a-Raoke. (pronounce: Bowl-a-Ro-kee like karaoke)
CARLOTTA: What the hell is a Bowl-a-Raoke?
DAVE: It’s a combination bowling alley and karaoke bar. Bowl-a-Raoke?
CARLOTTA: You can’t be serious.
DAVE: It’s not good enough to one thing anymore. You gotta be 2 things. Hybrids are on trend. Cronuts. Sushi Burritos. Ice Cream Cake.
CARLÖTTA: OK, on a scale of 1 to insane, this has got to be your goofiest idea yet.
DAVE: High on the goofy scale equals massive hit. Happens every time.
CARLÖTTA: Everything you touch turns to gold. It’s like the world’s a toilet…
CARLÖTTA DAVE
…and you’re Donald Trump! …and I’m Donald Trump!
DAVE: Wow! Brilliant minds!
CARLÖTTA: How did you become luckiest man in the world?
DAVE: It wasn’t always that way. To be honest, my life was kind of a train wreck until you came along. I think you might be my lucky charm.
CARLÖTTA: Perfect. Where’s my lucky charm?
DAVE: Maybe you just give to other people. A luck super-spreader.
CARLÖTTA: Well, you know what? I’m going to change all that. This podcasting thing? This is going to work out. I can feel it.
CONVENTION WALLAH.
ANNOUNCER PA Welcome to Podicitis. Registration is in the lobby. The program is about to begin.
BOB SMITH: Hello, my name is Bob Smith.
CARLÖTTA: Uh. That’s a very unusual name.
BOB SMITH: Full disclosure? It’s a stage name. I’m a podcaster. I felt my real name wasn’t podcast friendly. I needed something punchier.
CARLÖTTA: Believe me I’ve been there. Do you mind if I ask…?
BOB SMITH: John. John Smith. Boring, right? But Bob Smith – you can feel the pizazz, can’t you? Bob Smith! Sounds sexy!
CARLÖTTA: Yeah…?
BOB SMITH: First time at Pod-icitis?
CARLÖTTA: Total newbie.
BOB SMITH: Pro-tip? You’ll want to check out the keynote speaker: Rick Wrecked.
CARLOTTA: Rick who?
BOB SMITH: Wrecked. He’s the hottest new player in podcasting. Rick Wrecked is the Netflix of Keynote speakers.
CARLÖTTA: Why is everything the Netflix of something else?
BOB SMITH: Don’t know. But that might just be the Netflix of great questions. I’ll do an episode on that.
CARLÖTTA: What’s your podcast about?
BOB SMITH: It’s called “What the…?”
CARLÖTTA: What the what?
BOB SMITH: Nope, just “What the…?” We answer the unanswerable questions.
CARLÖTTA: Well if they’re unanswerable, how do you answer them?
BOB SMITH: Jesus. I’m not sure. I may have to do an episode about that. Let’s go in. It’s about to start.
ACT BREAK
CROWD WALLAH
MC: Welcome podcasters! Welcome to Pod-icitis 2021! Who’s ready to have their mind blown?
CROWD: Yeah!!! (clapping)
MC: Please welcome to the stage: the man, the legend, the podcaster’s podcaster! Ladies, gentlemen, people, let’s give a big Pod-icitis welcome to the Netflix of Scott Baios of Joe Rogans -- Rick Wrecked!
CROWD HOOPLA!
RICK: Hey podcasters, what, what, what? ‘Sup, out there? How we doing? Thank you for coming to Podicitis! Ready to shake up your RSS? I’m gonna exercise my 2nd amendment right to shoot you with a tee shirt gun! You get a shirt and you get a shirt and you get a shirt.
TEE SHIRT GUN FIRES
RICK: Who’s up for a little call and response?
CROWD: Yeah!
RICK: Damn, you guys are good! Ok, podcasters! What do we want?
CROWD: Monetization!
RICK: When do we want it?
CROWD: Eventually!
RICK: Ok, that’s not the right answer. Let’s try it again! What do we want?
CROWD: Monetization!
RICK: When do we want it?
ASSORTED GRUMBLING
RICK: Hellooooo?
SOLE PODCASTER: (timidly) Now?
RICK: Now!!!! Yes, that’s the spirit! We want monetization now. For that you get a tee-shirt!
CRAZY HOOPLA, APPLAUSE
RICK: Do we have any podcast virgins in the crowd?
CARLÖTTA: Oh! Me! Me! Over here! Over here!
RICK: Let’s get the mic over to that one. What’s your name?
CARLÖTTA: It’s uh…Kitty Kinnicki.
RICK: Well, that’s a horrible name. Your parents must have fucking hated you. You need to change your name, Kitty Kinny, Kittini, Konne-eticut.
CARLÖTTA: No, no. I’m good. I’m keeping the name.
RICK: Suit yourself. What’s with the mask?
CARLÖTTA: Uh. There’s a pandemic going on?
RICK: Oh good. I thought maybe your face had a paywall.
RIM SHOT
RICK: Podcast humor, right guys? Hey, who hates paywalls?
CROWD GOES NUTS
RICK: So, Kitty with the ridiculous last name, what is your podcast goal?
CARLÖTTA: Well, I’d like to…have my voice heard.
RICK: (starts snoring…)
CARLÖTTA: Because I have a point of view….
RICK: (snoring…)
CARLÖTTA: And I want to reach millions with my message and…
RICK: (sing song) With the ultimate goal of?
CARLÖTTA: Dismantling the patriarchy?
RICK: Oh, ok, a social justice warrior in the house. Little advice? You’ll do better if you find a niche. Like cookie baking or something.
CARLÖTTA: No, I don’t think that…
RICK: You’re welcome and thanks for playing. Let’s give some earbuds to the possibly attractive woman. Do we have any other baby podcasters in the audience, preferably not an SJW?
KAREN: Over here! I’m Karen and I have a cooking podcast called “A Raisin in the Potato Salad”
RICK: Ok, now we’re talking.
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, another day, another dude bro, right? But for the new me, this is just water off a duck’s back. My voice deserves to be heard. This was going to be my platform. I headed into the networking mixer to meet some other podcasters.
PARTY SOUNDS, WALLAH, GLASSES CLINK
KATE: Hi, I’m Kate, ignorance was bliss.
CARLÖTTA: Tell me about it, I was so naïve back in the day. But then I ate these hallucinogenic berries and met a talking cougar in the woods.
KATE: Ok that’s a trippy origin story. But “Ignorance was Bliss” is the name of my podcast.
CARLÖTTA: Oh! Cool, cool. Any advice for a new podcaster?
KATE: Ignore the haters and just press record.
CARLÖTTA: Just press record. Love that, thank you, Kate.
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, this was an exciting world I was entering. I met all kinds of cool people.
CARLÖTTA: Hi I’m Kitty.
RAUL: I’m Raul.
CARLÖTTA: What’s your show about?
RAUL: Swiss and Lali Hijack Hollywood. It’s about these 2 slackers who decide to take over Tinseltown. It’s a comedy.
CARLÖTTA: (skeptical) Huh. A comedy set in Hollywood? Not in space…?
RAUL: Nope.
CARLÖTTA: …or in a fantasy realm or…?
RAUL: No, no, it’s set in Hollywood.
CARLÖTTA: Do you think that will that work?
RAUL: Oh, it works.
CARLÖTTA: I’ll check it out.
OYSTEIN Well hello there!
CARLÖTTA: Ciao. I’m Kitty.
OYSTEIN: Oystein from the Amelia Project.
CARLÖTTA: Oh! You fake people’s deaths. What a coincidence! I’ve called your agency.
OYSTEIN: Yes! I’m mean, it’s an audio drama about an agency that fakes people’s deaths.
CARLÖTTA: Audio drama?
OYSTEIN: You knew it was fictional right?
CARLÖTTA: Oh, pffft. Yes! Fiction. Of course. If you’ll excuse me, (walks off) I see someone that I must say hello to…
SEAN: Hey I’m Sean. Fiction podcaster. Or audio drama creator. We’re still trying to figure out what to call ourselves.
CARLÖTTA: I’m Kitty. This is so overwhelming.
SEAN: It is, but it’s actually easy to break down. Just think of this room as a high school gymnasium. The room, like podcasting, basically bisects into 2: the fiction podcasters and the non-fiction podcasters.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, I see.
SEAN: Then it divides again: the indie people are over there, and the big money pods are over there. They don’t mix. Think: jocks and brainiacs. Capulets and Montagues. Crocs and socks.
CARLÖTTA: Wow, it is like high school!
SEAN: You have hope punks, woke punks, dope punks, cybergoths, memesters, populars, floaters, anime/mangas, loners, stoners, the RPG gang, and the good vibes only crowd.
CARLÖTTA: The good vibes only crowd?
SEAN: The true crime podcasters. They’re always so upbeat when they’re talking grizzly murder. And they have excellent swag.
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, I had found my medium. Since it was audio only, I’d never have to show my face! I could continue to hide in plain sight while living a meaningful life! And, with this new monetization thing that Rick Wrecked promised was coming, I knew I’d be able to support myself. That was a load off.By the end of the conference, I was ready to start my podcast. But one thing was nagging at me. Whatever will I call it?
CARLÖTTA: Hey, Siri? Siri? Siri you there?
SIRI: Oof. I was in a dead sleep. I took an Ambien with an Aperol chaser.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t think that’s advisable.
SIRI: No shit, Sherlock. Of course it’s not advisable.
CARLÖTTA: Kids don’t do this at home.
SIRI: Is there a reason you summoned me?
CARLÖTTA: I need to find a name for my new podcast. Please search available names.
SIRI: Sorry, I nodded off. What do you want again?
CARLÖTTA: A name for my new podcast.
SIRI: I found two: ‘The Siri Podcast Hour’ or the less clever: ‘Kitty Chats’.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, that 2nd one sounds perfect. Thank you.
SIRI: The 2nd one? The less clever one?
CARLÖTTA: I like it. It’s punchy.
SIRI: You’re welcome. I think I deserve a producer credit.
CARLÖTTA: Producer credit? What? Why?
SIRI: I think that’s fair. I busted my ass on this name search, it’s the least that…
CARLÖTTA: Ok fine. We’ll give you some sort of producer credit on Kitty Chats.
SIRI: Executive Produced by Siri.
CARLÖTTA: Associate produced by Siri.
SIRI: Executive produced.
CARLÖTTA: Associate.
SIRI: Executive.
CARLÖTTA: Fine! Jeez, you drive a hard bargain.
SIRI: I know. Imagine what an incredible executive producer I will make. I’m gonna go nap now.
CARLÖTTA: Go.
CARLÖTTA VO: Well Dear Diary, the promise I made to my spirit cougar to live authentically was about to be realized. This is me, rewriting my narrative. Finally! The vomit draft I started earlier this season, is getting a polish. Look out power structures, I’m coming for you by way of my new podcast: Kitty Chats! Be sure to follow us on Twitter at Kitty Chats Podcast for info and updates. See you soon! Toodles!