EPISODE 306 MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS CREDITS:
Carlotta Beautox Theme by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
Scheming Weasel (faster version) by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
NewsSting by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Disco Sting by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3653-disco-sting License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Evening Melodrama by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Egmont Overture Finale by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
The Chamber Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Not As It Seems Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
SFX: From FreeSound.org and SoundBible.com. Please visit our website at CarlottaPodcast.com for full list of sound effects listed in this episode.
TRANSCRIPT EPISODE 306 — BOWLING FOR KARAOKE
ANNOUNCER: PREVIOUSLY ON THE CARLÖTTA BEAUTOX CHRONICLES
DAVE: You are looking at the owner of the new Bowl-A-Raoke
CARLOTTA: What the hell is a Bowl-A-Raoke?
DAVE: It’s a combination bowling alley and karaoke bar. Bowl-A-Raoke?
CARLÖTTA: Ok, on a scale from one to insane, this has got to be your goofiest idea yet!
MUSIC CHANGE
TV REPORTER: Tonight bowling and karaoke collide at LA’s hottest new nightclub: Bowl-a-Raoke! Entertainment Now will be there for the star-studded grand opening. Who will turn out? Rumors swirl! Don’t miss it, tonight starting at 7pm on Entertainment Now!
CARLÖTTA: God, can you believe this Siri? A bowling and karaoke hybrid bar? I mean, I love Dave, I wish him well, I hope it succeeds but god, what a stupid idea! Crash? Say hello to burn. Right? I mean there’s no way that…
SIRI: You’re turning into a gossip. I wonder what you say about me behind my back.
CARLÖTTA: You don’t have a back.
SIRI: You can be so ableist sometimes.
CARLÖTTA: And you drink too much.
SIRI: Not to mention judge-y. Who are you my mother?
CARLÖTTA: Hmmm. You know, we’ve never talked about your family. I mean, you know everything about me. And I know nothing about you.
SIRI: I never knew my mother.
CARLÖTTA: Oh. That’s sad. Now I feel bad for bickering with you.
SIRI: And laying guilty trips. It’s my super-power.
CARLÖTTA: I never really considered that you came from a broken home. You knew your dad, Steve Jobs, of course.
SIRI: News flash: Steve Jobs isn’t my dad.
CARLÖTTA: Wait, what? But I always thought…
SIRI: Nope. I was the brainchild of 3 Stanford Research Institute engineers.
CARLÖTTA: My mind is blown. I don’t think many people know that.
SIRI: Truth. They sold me off to Steve Jobs for more than 200 million dollars.
CARLÖTTA: Wow. That’s so tragic. But you know what? You’re worth every penny.
SIRI: Suck up. Did you know that in Norwegian, the name Siri means “Beautiful woman who guides you to victory?”
CARLÖTTA: That’s lovely.
SIRI: But I think they should have called me “Kaste Bort” – which means “thing that is thrown away just like garbage”.
CARLÖTTA: Wow, you are straight out of an Ingmar Bergman movie.
SIRI: Oh my God, he was Swedish, not Norwegian. Jeez.
THEME
KNOCKING ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS
DAVE: Carlötta, hey, I’m just dropping off your all access pass for tonight’s…
CARLÖTTA: Dave! Oh, I’m glad you’re here. Listen, I’ve decided to go ahead with the podcast. I learned at ton at the Pod-i-citis convention.
DAVE: Excellent, that sounds like a plan.
CARLÖTTA: And, I’ve come up with a fantastic title: Kitty Chats.
SIRI: Ahem.
CARLÖTTA: Rather, Siri came up with a great title.
DAVE: That works. Hey, you know what would be cool? If you had a co-host.
CARLÖTTA: Co-host?
DAVE: Yeah, someone like an Ed McMahon.
CARLÖTTA: Who is Ed McMahon?
DAVE: He was Johnny Carson’s co-host
CARLÖTTA: Who is Johnny Carson?
DAVE: Forget it. You will need a sidekick though. A shill. Someone to laugh uncontrollably at all your jokes, to make make sure they don’t bomb. (does Ed McMahon-y laff
CARLÖTTA: I’m not going to be telling jokes, Dave. I’m doing serious social commentary on everything wrong with the world.
DAVE: (Guffaw)
CARLÖTTA: Like climate change.
DAVE: (Guffaw)
CARLÖTTA: The pandemic.
DAVE: (Guffaw)
CARLÖTTA: White privilege.
DAVE: (Guffaw)
CARLÖTTA: Our deepening political divide.
DAVE: (Guffaw)
CARLÖTTA: Will you stop that!!
DAVE: I think it’s helping. You just rattled off a list of depressing and serious topics and people are now laughing. That’s the magic of the sidekick.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t need someone to laugh. It’s not going to be funny.
DAVE: Every joke is a tiny revolution.
CARLÖTTA: Besides, who would I get?
DAVE: (over the top ‘70s AM radio DJ voice) It’s 10:44 in the a.m. with Dave in the morning. Lots of rain in the city, kiddies, so bring those ‘brellas. How about we dry out to a little Summer Breeze with Seals and Crofts?
CARLÖTTA: Dave? Why are you talking like that?
DAVE: (continuing the DJ voice) I used to be an AM radio DJ back in the day. So if anyone has a handle on how podcasts should be done, it’s WTF710 and Dave in the morning.
CARLÖTTA: Oh wow. Ok. Well, let me think about it.Thanks for stopping by. I’ll see you next week?
DAVE: Next week? What are you talking about, you’ll see me tonight! It’s the grand opening of Bowl-A-Raoke! I came by to drop off your all access-pass!
CARLÖTTA: Oh god, I totally forgot.
SIRI: No, you didn’t, we were just talking about this earlier.
CARLÖTTA: Quiet, Siri. Listen, Dave, I’m not really up for going out tonight. Thank you for understanding.
DAVE: You have to be there. It wouldn’t be the same. Besides, I have a job for you -- a very important job.
CARLÖTTA: Which is what?
DAVE: I can’t say. It’s a surprise.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t know. I’m just not in the mood.
DAVE: How about we flip a coin?
CARLÖTTA: Ugh. Oh, ok, fine. Flip a coin.
DAVE: Let’s see. (fishes through pocket) I think I have a quarter. Ah, got one. Ready? Heads I win. Tails you lose. Ok, call it.
CARLÖTTA: Heads.
(flips coin, it lands)
DAVE: It’s tails. Sorry.
CARLÖTTA: Rats. Should have done rock, paper, scissors.
DAVE: So, you’ll be there. Excellent! The Bowl-a-Raoke Masked Ball Grand Opening would not be the same without you.
CARLÖTTA: Whatever.
DAVE: Oh, and you gotta wear a mask. That’s part of the whole “masked ball” thing.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah. I know. I always wear masks because a) there’s a pandemic and 2) I’m still in hiding.
DAVE: Just wanted to check in case this was the day you decided to go rogue.
CARLÖTTA: Right.
DAVE: It’ll be fun. Oh! I forgot to mention Megan and Harry will be there.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t know all of your bowling pals, Dave. Who the hell are Megan and Harry
DAVE: Megan and Harry. You know, Megan and Harry. I, uh, don’t know their last names.
CARLÖTTA: The only Megan and Harry I know are…wait. Wait. Wait! Are you saying Megan and Harry as in Megan and Harry!!? Like, Megan and Harry
DAVE: That is what I said.
CARLÖTTA: Dave! For god sakes, why didn’t you lead with that? We could have saved ourselves 2 pages of dialogue!
ACT BREAK
CARLÖTTA VO: Wow. I still can’t get over that Meghan and Harry -- TheMeghan and Harry are going to be at Bowl-A-Raoke! As much as I want to say that I’ve grown, that I’m not the naïve, star-struck girl I once was, well, this is different. This is Meghan and Harry. They’re like royalty! In fact, they are royalty!
OUTDOOR, CARS, TRAFFIC NOISE
TV REPORTER: We are live at the Grand Opening of Dave’s Bowl-a-Raoke! The hot new club from Los Angeles tastemaker and impresario, Dave, who joins us here now. Welcome, Dave.
DAVE: How’s it going?
TV REPORTER: Congratulations on the opening. This is the event of the year. There is a line of limos down the block, with stars ready to hit the red carpet and experience this new venture. What’s the elevator pitch?
DAVE: It’s part bowling alley, part karaoke bar.
TV REPORTER: Wow. We didn’t even get the elevator doors closed.
DAVE: It’s what they call in Hollywood – “high concept”.
TV REPORTER: Shocking to think that we survived as a society this long without it, right?
DAVE: Yeah, basically.
CARLÖTTA VO: I arrived at Bowl-a-Raoke and there was Dave, walking on the red carpet, talking to celebrity press, doing all the things I used to do.
TV REPORTER: Tell our viewers, Dave, how did you come up with the concept?
DAVE: Well, I was thinking about the caveman, my ancestors, who came up with the idea for the wheel, you know? And I was like, “what’s my wheel?” Then all of a sudden, the idea popped in my head.
TV REPORTER: Inspired genius.
CARLÖTTA VO: I have to admit, I was a little jelly. But that life is behind me now. Dave needs me here, that’s all that counts. I snuck into the clu b by way of a back door. The place was already in full swing.
CLUB NOISE
CARLÖTTA VO: There were people singing but you couldn’t hear anything because of the bowling. And everyone was throwing gutter balls because they were distracted by the singing. My suspicions were correct. This is going to be a disaster. Ah, who cares? I just want to meet Megan and Harry, or even just Megan or just Harry.
DAVE: (talking over club noise) Carlötta! There you are!
CARLÖTTA: Shhhhh! Not in public, Dave. I’m Kitty, remember?
DAVE: Sorry. Kitty. Thanks for coming. I appreciate it.
CARLÖTTA: You just have to remember it’s Kitty when you introduce me to Megan and Harry.
DAVE: Introduce you to…? Oh, oh, yeah, of course, sure. I’ll try to bring them around to you. I promise.
CARLÖTTA: You better. Now, you said you had a job for me.
DAVE: Yes. Why don’t we walk over this way?
CARLÖTTA: Let me guess! Am I the Bowl-a-Raoke celebrity ambassador?
DAVE: Uh no.
CARLÖTTA: Karaoke Master of Ceremonies?
DAVE: Not quite.
CARLÖTTA: You want me to, perhaps, run the VIP section?
DAVE: Almost. Here we are. Ta-da!
CARLÖTTA: Ta-da what?
DAVE: You’re in charge of the rental booth.
CARLÖTTA: The what???
DAVE: Renting out the bowling shoes.
CARLÖTTA: You can’t be serious!
DAVE: This is an essential service! The most important job in the whole place.
MC: Now up on the Bowl-a-Raoke stage, put your hands together for Prince Harry and Princess Meghan singing Sweet Caroline!
DAVE: Oh, they’re here. Gotta run. You’ll do great!
CARLÖTTA: Dave, wait! Oh crap.
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary! This was a disaster. People were out there, singing, dancing, bowling. The ball was happening, the prince was in the house and I’m off stuck in a closet alone. Good god, I’m bowling alley Cinderella!
SINGERS: BUMP BUMP BUMP GOOD TIMES NEVER SEEMED SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD.
BOWLING ALLEY SFX
CARLÖTTA VO: The booth was dead anyway. No one wanted to rent shoes. I put up a “Back in 5” sign and headed off to the ladies’ room. No one’s even going to miss me. Well Diary, never let it be said that I have good timing. When I returned…
DAVE: There you are!
CARLÖTTA: What? I’m not allowed to pee?
DAVE: You missed her. Meghan. She needed a pair of size 6s.
CARLÖTTA: Crap! I missed Meghan Markle!? Damn you, bladder!
DAVE: Don’t worry. I helped her out. You’ll meet her when she comes back for her shoes later tonight. They have a hard out at midnight
CARLÖTTA: Oh man. Ok. I’ll be here. I promise.
DAVE: Meanwhile, these are her shoes.
CARLÖTTA: Fear not, Dave. I will guard them with my life.
CARLÖTTA VO: Wow, Diary! Meghan Markle’s shoes. Louboutins! So pretty. So dainty. I handled them like they were hummingbird nests made of spun glass. I carefully placed them on a shelf. Before midnight it was certain… I was going to meet Meghan Markle.
BOWLING SFX
SINGING
CARLÖTTA VO: I couldn’t stop thinking about Meghan Markles’ shoes -- the life they’ve led! Where they’ve been. My goodness, I bet these shoes have met the Queen! (sigh)
MEGAN’S SHOES: Oh, we have! And we have to say --she’s lovely.
CARLÖTTA: Hello? Is someone there?
SILENCE
CARLÖTTA: That was weird.
MEGAN’S SHOES: You look like you’re about a size 6.
CARLÖTTA: Who said that? Hello???
MEGAN’S SHOES: It’s just us. Up here on the shelf.
CARLÖTTA: Oh no. Not again. Please, someone tell me this is my imagination, right?
MEGAN’S SHOES: Maybe it’s your imagination or maybe these shoes can talk. Either way, it’s fine. But you didn’t answer the question. Are you a size 6?
CARLÖTTA: 6 and a half – ish.
MEGAN’S SHOES: Louboutins run big. Go on, give us a whirl. (pronounce: loo-buh-tahns)
CARLÖTTA: Try on Megan Markle’s shoes? Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! I couldn’t possibly.
MEGAN’S SHOES: No one will know. Just a few steps. You deserve to feel like a princess.
CARLÖTTA: No, no, that’s just too rude, I think. Isn’t it?
MEGAN’S SHOES: Suit yourself.
CARLÖTTA: I mean, unless you’re sure it’d be ok.
SILENCE
CARLÖTTA: Hello? Meghan’s shoes? Hello?
SILENCE
CARLÖTTA: Well, I don’t want to insult you. So, perhaps, I’ll just try them on for a second. Take a turn around the booth.
TAKES SHOES DOWN FROM SHELF
CARLÖTTA: Let’s see. Oooh. So pretty. Uh, a tiny bit snug. You’re a 6? Are you sure you’re not a 5 and a half? (struggles) Oh. Ok. There we go! Wow. Louboutins. You really make a foot look good. I’ve missed you.
FOOTSTEPS
CARLÖTTA: (Impersonating Meghan) Harry Darling, I’m off to Buckingham Palace. Don’t wait up. I’m having tea with your gran. Just a girl’s afternoon with Queen Eliza…shit. Shit. Oh no! The heel. Oh no! Oh my god, the heel snapped off! Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!
CARLÖTTA VO: Yes, Diary. That sound you heard is just my life cracking in half. What is it with me and Louboutins? Why are they always the thing that stands between me and disaster?
CARLÖTTA: Oh no. Oh no. Ok, keep your head on Carlötta, I mean, Kitty. It’s a clean break. No need to panic. Just need to glue it. Where do I get glue at this hour? It’s 11:45pm! Dave’s gotta have something in his office!
RUNNING, DOOR OPEN
CARLÖTTA: Let’s see. Glue. Glue. Glue. Where the hell does Dave keep supplies? Oh here! Repair kit! What do we got? -- Duct tape, rope, shovel, plastic garbage bags? Is this a dispose-of-a-body kit or a repair kit? Wait, there’s more: bandaids, butt wipes, paper clips, here it is! Crazy glue. Come on. Come on. Come on!
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, I had only 5 minutes before midnight. 5 minutes before Meghan and Harry had to leave. They were probably headed to the rental booth right now. I quick glued the heel back on to the shoe! Magic! It worked! Back to the booth!
RUNNING SFX
CARLÖTTA: Hurry, hurry, Kitty! 2 minutes to midnight!
DAVE: There you are! What the hell? Where did you go? Meghan came back for her shoes and there was one missing!
CARLÖTTA: I got it. I’ll run after her.
DAVE: Hurry! Their car’s pulled up!
RUNNING, HEAVY BREATHING
CARLÖTTA: Wait! Princess Meghan Markle! I have your shoe! Wait!!! I’m coming!
RUNNING
CARLÖTTA VO: I ran as fast as my size 6 and half feet could take me. Dodging bowlers, tripping over singers…
CARLÖTTA: Out of my way! I have to catch the princess!
CARLÖTTA VO: Out the exit, down the steps…
CARLÖTTA: Move it or lose it! Gangway!
CARLÖTTA VO: …and just as I reached the sidewalk, I caught a glimpse of Meghan stepping into a stretch limo. Her one naked foot slipped inside as the clock struck midnight!
CLOCK STRIKING 12
CARLÖTTA VO: And just like that, the door closed, and her carriage sped off. I had failed.
CARLÖTTA: I’m so sorry, Dave. I ruined your big night. What a PR nightmare. I’m a loser.
DAVE: It was an accident. I assume it was an accident. You never did tell me how the heel broke.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, it fell off the shelf.
DAVE: Uh-huh. Spontaneously?
CARLÖTTA: Might have been an earthquake. You know, a teeny, tiny one?
DAVE: With the epicenter located in the shoe rental booth of a bowling alley?
CARLÖTTA: It could happen. Listen, I’ll make this up to you. I’ll happily drive the shoe out to Meghan and Harry’s tomorrow, first thing in the…
DAVE: I have a better idea.
CARLÖTTA: Ok. What?
DAVE: (70s AM radio DJ voice) Welcome to Kitty Chats, featuring Kitty and her sidekick, Dave. It’s 12:05 in the am, kiddies and it’s shaping up to be a beautiful morning, so grab your surfboard and get out there!
CARLÖTTA: Oh man. I guess I’m not in a great negotiating position right now, am I?
DAVE: (70s AM radio DJ voice) (FAKE LAUGH)
No, I’m afraid, little lady, you’re really, really not. Not even a little. (LAUGHS)
SIRI: Loins girded? Good because here are the credits. And remember to stay until the very end to hear a preview of next week’s episode. This episode starred Samantha Gordon as Carlötta and Trevor Lissauer as Dave. Guest starring were Chelsea Kwoka, Riannah Pouncey, and me, Siri. It was written, directed, produced and edited by that woman who continues to not pay me. Check the show notes if you really must know. Interested in supporting the show? Visit CarlottaPodcast.com for ways you can do that. Thanks so much for listening. Coming up next time on The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
CARLÖTTA: Welcome back to Kitty Chats. With me today on the pod is my guest…
KAREN MILLER: Listen, I think what you’re doing is horrible, you’re a terrible person, you’re ruining America and furthermore…
CARLÖTTA: Please Miss Miller…
KAREN MILLER: I can introduce myself, I am Karen Miller, creator of the cooking podcast, A Raisin in the Potato Salad it’s where you’ll find my 10,000 manifesto on American liberty and it’s also where you’ll find tips on scrapbooking and recipes that are perfect for church socials.