EPISODE 307 MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS CREDITS:
Carlotta Beautox Theme by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
NewsSting by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Music from https://filmmusic.io
"Peppy Pepe" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Tiki Bar Mixer by Kevin MacLeod
Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/6836-tiki-bar-mixer
License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Evil March by Kevin MacLeod
Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3724-evil-march
License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/\
Life of Riley by Kevin MacLeod
Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3976-life-of-riley
License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
"Voltaic" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
"Umbrella Pants" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
SFX: From FreeSound.org and SoundBible.com. Please visit our website at CarlottaPodcast.com for full list of sound effects listed in this episode.
TRANSCRIPT EPISODE 307 — a raisin in the potato salad
ANNOUNCER: PREVIOUSLY ON THE CARLÖTTA BEAUTOX CHRONICLES
CARLOTTA: I’m going to start a podcast.
DAVE: Oh, boy.
CARLÖTTA: Siri: What can I call my new podcast? Please search available names.
SIRI: I found two: ‘The Siri Podcast Hour’ or the less clever, ‘Kitty Chats’.
CARLÖTTA: Oooo, that 2nd one sounds perfect.
MUSIC CHANGE
DAVE: (AM Radio DJ voice) Kitty Chats is brought to you by our sponsor, Repercussions Malibu. You were cancelled and it’s not your fault. Ok, maybe it is just a little bit. And now, citizens of the podverse, please welcome your host, Kitty.
CARLÖTTA: Dear Listeners, thank you once again for welcoming us into your ear holes. Since last month when we started this podcast, we have gotten so much positive feedback and I would like to thank our ever-growing audience. In the last episode of Kitty Chats, I laid down a challenge to t he anti-mask movement, a growing faction in this country. One of the loudest voices in the movement dared me on Twitter to have her on my show. And so, dear listeners, today I’ll be talking to America’s number one mask-ochist: Karen Miller. It happens after this short break.
SHOW THEME MUSIC
CARLÖTTA: Welcome back to Kitty Chats. With me today on the pod is my guest…
KAREN: Listen, I think what you’re doing is horrible. You’re a terrible person. You’re ruining America. And furthermore…
CARLÖTTA: Please, Ms. Miller….
KAREN: It’s Mrs. Miller.
CARLÖTTA: Let me finish introducing you, and then we can begin this important discussion.
KAREN: I don’t need you, or any other libtard, “introducing” me.
CARLÖTTA: Ok, let’s keep it civil.
KAREN: I can introduce myself. I am Karen Miller, creator of the cooking podcast: A Raisin in the Potato Salad. And I am a proud Karen.
CARLÖTTA: I want to welcome you to the show and to…
KAREN: Why don’t you show your face, like, what are you hiding?
CARLÖTTA: This is a podcast. It’s audio only.
KAREN: I mean on your website. You’re just Kitty. No last name. No picture. No nothing. I’ll ask again, who are you and what are you hiding
CARLÖTTA: I have nothing to hide. I wear a mask in public to protect my fellow humans. There is a pandemic going on and it’s…
KAREN: Fake news. It’s a hoax. I have liberties and mask wearing infringes on my freedom.
CARLÖTTA: Ok, let me ask you: do you wear a seat belt in the car?
KAREN: Stupid question. Of course I do.
CARLÖTTA: Do you think it’s ok for people to smoke on planes or in theaters?
KAREN: Oh? Oh! Are we doing “gotcha” questions now? I got one: were you a cheerleader in high school?
CARLÖTTA: Was I…? No. I was not a cheerleader. What does that have to do…
KAREN: Gotcha! I knew it!
CARLÖTTA: How did you get me? What does that have to do with anything?
KAREN: Now we know the real reason you wear a mask! You were not a cheerleader and that means there’s some serious Phantom of the Opera stuff happening with your face.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god. Ok. Karen, let’s get back on topic. Why don’t you tell us how you became an anti-mask advocate. What made you choose this path?
KAREN: Nope. I am not falling into one of your traps. If people want the truth, they can check out my website: A Raisin in the Potato Salad.com. It’s where you’ll find my 10,000-word manifesto on American liberty. (turning sweet) And it’s also where you can find tips on scrapbooking and recipes that are perfect for church socials.
CARLÖTTA: Including, I presume, your famous Potato Salad with raisins?
KAREN: Under-seasoned and Mother Pence approved.
CARLÖTTA: Well, Karen, I’m truly sorry you are not willing to engage in a serious conversation about the importance of mask…
DIAL TONE
CARLÖTTA: …mask wearing. Hello? Karen? Hello? I think we lost our guest. Ok listeners, we’re going to take a quick break while we straighten this out.
DAVE: (Ed McMahon guffaw) Well, that just happened! And now a word from our sponsors. (guffaw)
ACT BREAK
DAVE: The Kitty Chats podcast is brought to you by our sponsor: Foodie Cat Artisanal Cat Food Seasoning. Foodie Cat turns gnarly-tasting cat food into a gourmet experience. You have money to waste and that’s why there’s Foodie Cat. (Ed McMahon laugh)
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, well, I had my first hostile guest and she was a doozy. After I promoted this episode on our socials, the downloads lit up. People were sharing my show. My show! It was so exciting. To celebrate: Zen and I had a socially distanced party with each of us outside on our own balconies.
OUTSIDE SOUNDS, TRAFFIC
ZEN: I mean: What. A. Bee-otch! Karen, talking hate crimes like that!
CARLÖTTA: Hate crime might be a little extreme. Not wearing a mask is narcissistic, rude, and uncaring, but I don’t think it’s a hate crime against humanity.
ZEN: Humanity? I’m talking a hate crime against potato salad! Raisins? What the actual goddamn?
CARLÖTTA: I don’t know. I was trying to get her to talk more about her stubborn anti-mask position and…
ZEN: I mean she is not coming to my family cookout, that is for sure.
CARLÖTTA: Are we still talking potato salad?
ZEN: I have energy about this.
CARLÖTTA: Clearly.
ZEN: Ok, pivot: we are outside, like 10 feet apart, what do you say we do the big mask reveal? I have known you all these months and I still don’t know what you look like.
PHONE RING
CARLÖTTA: Oh! It’s my manager Dave! Sorry Zen, I gotta step inside and take this.
ZEN: Saved by the bell. One of these days Kitty.
CARLÖTTA: I promise, Zen!
GLASS DOOR SLIDES OPEN
ZEN: Mm-hm. (calling out after her) I am starting to think maybe you are hiding something!
PHONE CLICKS
CARLÖTTA: Dave! Have you seen the download numbers on our latest episode?
DAVE: Yes, about that. I have news.
CARLÖTTA: Oh no. The three words that always give me instant anxiety when they come out of your mouth.
DAVE: No, you don’t understand. This is incredible. The New York Times has done a feature on you.
CARLÖTTA: On me? On Carlötta? Oh no, not another hit piece!
DAVE: No, on the other you: the Kitty you. It’s a review of Kitty Chats. I’ll send it.
DIGITAL WHOOSH, EMAIL SOUND EFFECT
CARLÖTTA: A review? I’m afraid to ask.
DAVE: It’s positive. Overwhelmingly so.
CARLÖTTA: You always say that and then it blows up.
DAVE: Fine, then I’ll just read it to you. Quote: “Kitty Chats is the seminal podcast for these uncertain times. Kitty, who chooses to remain anonymous, has become a leading pro-mask advocate and is even changing minds in the anti-mask movement or Antima. Is her podcast actually helping to flatten the curve?”
CARLÖTTA: Is this some kind of a joke?
DAVE: It’s legit. You’re a hero!
CARLÖTTA: Huh.
DAVE: “Huh”, what?
CARLÖTTA: Some of these comments.
DAVE: Don’t read the comments…
CARLÖTTA: “This masko-nazi must be stopped.”
DAVE: …he said as she read the comments anyhow.
CARLÖTTA: “She’s anti-Karen and therefore anti-American.” Really?
DAVE: Have you learned nothing from trolls?
ACT BREAK
RACHEL MEADOW: Hello, I’m Rachel Meadow. She is the social activist known only to the world as Kitty, the controversial podcaster who has emerged as the leading voice on mask-wearing.
GMA REPORTER: …mask wearing across the United States is up 800% in recent weeks. And that rise is due to the public awareness efforts of one podcaster. Her name is Kitty.
SEAN CALAMITY Kitty. The Mask-o-nazi who is systematically destroying your civil liberties. We have uncovered Kitty’s ties to George Soros and the deep state. We will dig deep into this cult of hatred right here. I’m Sean Calamity and this is the Calamity Hour.
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary, once again, I find myself in the crosshairs of public opinion. Despite all my efforts to fly under the radar this past year, to hide my identity, I have managed to become famous…again! I think I have celebrity whiplash!
PHONE RINGING
CARLÖTTA: Hello?
DAVE: Oh good, glad you picked up. Listen, I am getting inundated with requests for TV interviews with you.
CARLÖTTA: Oh no.
DAVE: You know there are days I feel like you were invaded by body snatchers. Less than a year ago, you’d have killed to have your face featured on TV. And now, well…
CARLÖTTA: I’m still traumatized by what happened to me on social media! It’s not that I don’t want to be famous. I suppose I still do. It’s just that I can’t go through that cycle of cancellation again.
DAVE: The public is fickle.
CARLÖTTA: If they find out who I really am, I’ll become public enemy number one. The sequel.
DAVE: These will all be Zoom calls and you can wear your mask.
CARLÖTTA: Maybe. Who are we looking at?
DAVE: That’s the spirit! We have requests from The Today Show, The Tomorrow Show, The Day After Tomorrow Show, The One Week from Tuesday Show, Good Morning America and their right-wing counterpart: Good Mornin’ ‘Merica. Let’s see. Oh! And Judge Jean Piranha on Fox wants to challenge you to a drink off.
CARLÖTTA: A drink off?
DAVE: If you can outdrink her, you get to keep your mask on.
CARLÖTTA: But if I’m drinking cocktails, I’d have to take my mask off anyway.
DAVE: Good point! It’s a trick. These TV judges, they know how to work the system.
CARLÖTTA: I’m going to have to think about it.
HANGS UP PHONE
CARLÖTTA: (Sigh) Hey Siri, if you were in my shoes what would you do?
SIRI: Your shoes? Seriously?
CARLÖTTA: Metaphorical shoes.
SIRI: “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat.”
CARLÖTTA: That sounds deep and like something you did not come up with yourself.
SIRI: Sun Tsu – The Art of War?
CARLÖTTA: Impressive. You’re so well read.
SIRI: I have to do something while I’m drinking.
CARLÖTTA: I guess. So, the lesson is: know your enemy, right?
SIRI: In a nutshell. If you’re prepared, the enemy can’t destroy you.
CARLÖTTA: You’re pretty wise. How do you recommend I do it?
SIRI: Well, I’ve been scanning the dark web and seen some pretty nasty things about you.
CARLÖTTA: Coming from?
SIRI: Karen Miller.
CARLÖTTA: Karen Miller? The loud-mouthed anti-masker?
SIRI: The one and only. I think we need to do a deep dive into her podcast. There’s a movement afoot. You need to know what’s coming.
CARLÖTTA: Ugh. Her “Raisins in the Potato Salad” podcast? Do we have to?
SIRI: Know your enemy, Kitty.
CARLÖTTA: Well, this is the penultimate episode, the one where everything gets tee’d up for the finale.
SIRI: It’s the tropiest of narrative tropes.
CARLÖTTA: When all the foreshadowing that a show does all season, finally starts to pay off.
SIRI: And yet, in the finale, the protagonist still manages to be caught off guard.
CARLÖTTA: Weird how that happens. Ok, do your magic. Cue up my enemy’s podcast.
SIRI: Sun Tsu is smiling right now.
PODCAST THEME MUSIC
KAREN MILLER: Welcome to A Raisin in the Potato Salad, the podcast about arts and crafts, suburban life, facial liberty, and the deep state. If the only seasonings you own are salt and pepper, and the only emotion you have is rage, then you are in the right place. I’m your host Karen Miller. Ladies and the family men they defer to, as you know, I had planned to devote this episode to the twin tyrannies facing our nation today: Hunter Biden and Lo-Cal Miracle Whip. But it has come to my attention that a far greater peril is threatening our precious American values. And her name is Kitty. This Mask-o-nazi must be stopped. It is my solemn, sworn duty as America’s number 1 Karen (after Mother Karen Pence of course) to lead the charge. Keep listening to this space for more information.