“Who is Carlötta Beautox Anywho?”
Samantha Gordon — Carlötta Beautox. Trevor Liossauer — Dave, Promo Announcer. David Allen — Nathan/Castle, Acting Coach. Chris Cleveland — Dad, French Man, Director. Brooklyn Jones — Production Assistant, Casting Director 2. Raechel Wong — Mom, Barista, Casting Director 1. Ann Sloan — Beckett
Theme Song composed by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian.
(V.O.) So what’s the logline for this story?
How’s this: “An unknown actress with stars in her eyes and nuclear-grade ambition in her veins comes to Hollywood to make it big.” What’s that? Sounds like a cliché, you say? This story and I are anything but. Welcome to The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
SOUNDS OF PHONES RINGING, TYPING ON A COMPUTER KEYBOARD AS CARLÖTTA BEAUTOX, AN ACTRESS, ENTERS A PRODUCTION OFFICE.
PRODUCTION ASST: Name?
CARLÖTTA: Carlötta Beautox.
PRODUCTION ASST: B-O-T-O-X. Spell the first name.
CARLÖTTA: It’s actually Beautox: B-E-A-U-T-O-X.
PRODUCTION ASST: (Sighs) Of course it is. First name?
CARLÖTTA: Beautox is actually my lastname. My first…
PRODUCTION ASST: (aggravated) Ok there, ‘Who’s on First’, I know it’s your last name. Now, I want you to spellyour first name.
CARLÖTTA: Oh! Carlötta. It’s C-A-R as in automobile…
PRODUCTION ASST: Oh boy.
CARLÖTTA: …L-O-T-T-A as in “lotta talent”.
PRODUCTION ASST: Wow. Just wow.
CARLÖTTA: There’s also an umlaut.
PRODUCTION ASST: The fuck is an umlaut?
CARLÖTTA: It’s 2 dots and it goes over the…
PRODUCTION ASST: Ok, Carlötta Two Dots take a seat. We’ll call you when we’re ready. Meanwhile, we’ll gird our loins.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Dear Diary, I had an audition today for the new Untitled Chuck Lorre Project which I am sad to say I did not get. It’s just as well though since “Untitled Chuck Lorre Project” is a really stupid title for a TV show. Think of the promo: “Untitled Chuck Lorre Project, Thursday at 8/7 central on whatever network no one watches.” I mean, dumb, right?
DOOR OPENS, THE CASTING DIRECTOR ENTERS THE WAITING ROOM.
CASTING DIRECTOR 1:Ok, next victim: Carlötta Byoo-tox?
CARLÖTTA: It’s Beautox.
ASSORTED SNICKERS IN THE WAITING ROOM
CASTING DIRECTOR 1:Like the botulism you shoot in your face?
CARLÖTTA: No, like B-E-A-U…
CASTING DIRECTOR 1:Ok, let’s go Botox, we don’t have all day.
FOOTSTEPS AS CARLÖTTA GOES INTO AUDITION
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So, who am I you may be asking? Well, if you haven’t figured it out by now, I am an actress but I’m also a think-tress, and an influencer-ess. And I’m opening up my diary so you can join me as I navigate the treacherous waters of Hollywood. When I make it, you’ll have made it too because we are in this together. I’ll be sharing it all, success tips, beauty hacks, spiritual life…
POUNDING ON DOOR
DAVE: Carlötta! You in there? Carlötta!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Oh crap, diary, that’s my manager Dave. He probably wants to know how the audition went. Let’s pick this up later, mwah! Love you!
CARLÖTTA MAKES KISSES NOISES AND
WALKS TO DOOR. POUNDING CONTINUES, DOOR OPENS
DAVE: Rent’s late, Lottie.
CARLÖTTA: Is it? But it’s only the 1st.
DAVE: It’s the 3rdand you know it.
CARLÖTTA: Oops. My bad. I’ll have it end of day.
DAVE: OK. Walk some dogs. Sell some blood. Suck some dick…
CARLÖTTA: Hey, hey, is that really necessary? I’m allergic to dog
DAVE: I don’t care how you get the money but get the money
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Dave is kind of a tough love manager. Which is fine. I’m a Virgo, Leo rising and I crave honesty. He’s one of those Hollywood hyphenates: talent manager slash landlord. We met at this party in Hollywood for this SKA band he was repping at the time. It wasn’t a Hollywood party so much as a North Hollywood party
HARP GLISS TAKES US TO FLASHBACKLAND
PARTY SOUNDS, SKA BAND PLAYING
DAVE: How’s it going? I’m Dave.
CARLÖTTA: Nice to meet you. Kitty. Kitty Kinicki.
DAVE: Wow. That’s a fucking horrible name. Try saying it without sounding like you have Tourettes. Your parents must of fucking hated you
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Diary, I have to pause here to tell you that this all happened when I had just arrived in LA. I was still Kitty Kinicki back then. Born and raised in New Jersey. Picatinny to be exact
PARTY SOUNDS, SKA BAND RESUMES. DAVE IS LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY.
DAVE: Pick-a-nicky? Seriously?
CARLÖTTA: Picatinny. New Jersey.
DAVE: Fucking Jersey man. Like Ho-Ho-Kus. You hearda Ho-Ho-Kus?
DAVE: Jersey’s got a Buttzville. Fucking Buttzville. I assure you Connecticut does not have a Buttzville.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah, prolly not.
DAVE: So obviously you need a new name Kitty Kinicki from Pickanicky.
CARLÖTTA: It’s uh, Picatinny? Famous for the military arsenal located there?
EXPLOSION SOUND EFFECTS
CARLÖTTA: (V.O) Diary, everyone who lived in Picatinny sooner or later worked at the arsenal. Picatinny made AARP’s list of Most Deaf Cities in America.
CLASSIC HIP HOP RIFF BEGINS
DAVE: Wait, what
CARLÖTTA (At party) Not Mos Def the rapper but Most Deafas in hard of hearing.
CLASSIC HIP HOP RIFF ENDS ABRUPTLY
DISTANT BOMBING SFX RESUME
CARLÖTTA (V.O.) Diary, I know I could rock a lot of looks, I just didn’t think a hearing aid would be one of them. So at the first chance, I got outta that place
HARP GLISS TAKES US TO FLASHBACK LAND
EXPLOSION SOUND EFFECTS IN THE FAR DISTANCE
CARLÖTTA: Mom, dad, I’m moving to Hollywood to become a star!
DAD: (Screaming) You’re going to the store? Can you pick up…
CARLÖTTA: (Talking louder) No, I’m going to be a star!
MOM: (Screaming) If you’re going to Shop Rite, we’re out of paper towels.
DAD: (Screaming) …and cigarettes.
CARLÖTTA: (Screaming) I’m not going to Shop Rite, I’m going to…
DAD: (Screaming) That’s great! Thanks. And a Mega Millions.
CARLÖTTA: (Screaming) I’m not going…to…um…ok, yeah cigarettes and lottery ticket.
MOM: (Screaming) Don’t forget the paper towels!
DISTANT SHELLING SOUNDS END
PARTY SOUND EFFECTS, SKA BAND RESUMES
CARLÖTTA: And my parents never heard from me again. Mainly because pretty soon after they went totally deaf so we had to switch to…
DAVE: Fascinating. You got an agent?
DAVE: Welp, you do now. I’ll get working on the name.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Well Diary, there I was, barely a week in Hollywood (or really North Hollywood) and already I got a manager! Actually, a manager with benefits.
CARLÖTTA: (Orgasmic) Oh my God! Oh my Goddddd! It’s huge!
DAVE: And it’s all yours Pickanicky! Check out the walk-in closet.
CARLÖTTA: Dave had hooked me up with an apartment in a building he owns in Van Nuys! He’s really intuitive -- an Aquarious, natch. Name-wise, suggested Carlötta and I thought of Beautox because it sounds so French.
ACCORDIAN CAFÉ MUSIC – EDITH PIAF-Y
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) The overall effect is Old World European: money and class but with a modern flair. That’s me!
FRENCH MAN: Mon cheri, Carlötta.
CARLÖTTA: (giggles) Mercy bo-coop.
END CAFÉ MUSIC. SKA BAND MUSIC AND PARTY RESUMES.
DAVE: Your chance of standing out in this business goes up like 40% if your name has punctuation. I heard that at a talent rep seminar at the Tarzana Hilton. Think Prince. He was ALL punctuation for a while.
CARLÖTTA: Khloe´ Kardashian has an accent.
DAVE: (Affecting a Vally uptalker’s accent)Well, yeah, because she’s…like…from Calabasas?
CARLÖTTA: I mean an accent mark at the end of her name. Maybe I should do that.
DAVE: Which one is she? OJ’s kid?
CARLÖTTA: I think the accent is a good idea.
DAVE: Nah, it’s a cliché.
CARLÖTTA: Well not to be too meta about things but the word cliché actually has an accent mark at the end.
DAVE: How ‘bout one of those German double dot things?
CARLÖTTA: Where’s that go?
DAVE: Over one of the letters, dummy.
END SKA BAND SOUNDS
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So Diary, I got myself a pair of dots. It’s called an umlaut and it became part of my brand. It was buh-bye Kitty Kinicki and hello Carlötta Beautox. Since then I’ve been grinding it out here in LaLa Land as a journeyman actor.
OUTDOOR SOUNDS, DOGS BARKING
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Which I supplement as a dog-walker.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And sometimes as a Production Assistant.
SOUNDSTAGE PRODUCTION BELL RINGS SIGNIFYING “END SHOOTING”
2ND ASST DIRECTOR: Ok, let’s re-set. Lottie! Coffee run. Now.
COFFEE SHOP SOUNDS, COFFEE GRINDERS, MUSIC
BARISTA: (slacker) Welcome to Life’s a Grind. What can I get you?
CARLÖTTA: Let’s see. 4 grande half double-caf/half decaf coffees all with half non-fat milk/half half and half. 2 grande chia seed frappucinos. 7 bone broth lattes all grande, but 3 with an extra shot of expresso, 8 almond milk flat whites…
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Diary, set life sure is interesting and while I like being behind the camera…
BARISTA: Carlötta Byoo-tox. Your order is up.
CARLÖTTA: It’s Beautox.
SCATTERED LAUGHTER IN THE COFFEE SHOP
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I was born to be in front of the camera
FOOTSTEPS IN AUDITION ROOM
CASTING DIR. 2: Ok, Carlötta…Botox?
SCATTERED LAUGHTER IN THE AUDITION
LIGHT FOOTSTEPS AS CARLÖTTA ENTERS
SOUNDS OF CASTING TEAM MURMURING DOUBTS
CARLÖTTA: I’ll be reading for the part of…
CASTING DIR. 2: You’re not reading for anything sweetheart. We’re just looking for background at this point. Any known allergies to Persian rugs?
CASTING DIR. 2: Latex gloves?
CASTING DIR. 2: Ok. You’re cast as DEAD GIRL #4
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Yes! I had done it! I booked it! My very first acting gig
HERALDIC MUSIC, TRUMPETS, BLARE
DAVE: Excellent. So, we know you’ll make the rent this month.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Diary my dear, I was cast as a corpse on Castle. In truth, I almost played a corpse. In the end, the producers decided to go another way, casting-wise.
DIRECTOR: Get her out of here.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) The scene was this: I am playing a murder victim, outlined in chalk when Castle and his sidekick Beckett come in and discuss the crime.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And I’m laying there remembering something my former acting coach told me back in the day.
HARP GLISS TAKES US TO FLASHBACKLAND
ACTING COACH: The scenery is not there to be looked at Kitty, it’s there to be chewed. When you’re on stage, a good actor uses his teeth. Curtain? Bite. Sofa? Gnaw. Carpet? Munch!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Just because I have no lines doesn’t mean I can’t act the living heck out of this, right?
BELL ON SET RINGS, SIGNIFYING ‘NOT SHOOTING’
DIRECTOR: You, dead girl, close your eyes. Again people. Back to one. Right away from the top.
2ND ASST. CAMERA: Scene 23 take 2.
CLAPPER SOUND EFFECTS
DIRECTOR: And action.
BECKETT: These people have been dead for days.
CASTLE: That stinks. I mean literally.
BELL ON SET RINGS, SIGNIFYING ‘NOT SHOOTING’
DIRECTOR: Dead extra! Why are your eyes still open?
CARLÖTTA: Uh…this was an acting choice. At the moment I was being murdered, I recognized the killer. He was my pedophile swim coach from Pickatinny Elementary, so my eyes stayed open, you know, to give the detectives a clue. Too much?
SCATTERED LAUGHTER ON SET
DIRECTOR: First of all, you didn’t know the guy. And B, not only were your eyes open, they were moving all over the place. So yeah, too much.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Ok, there may have been some truth to this. I was looking to see where the camera was so I could remember to NOT look in it.
DIRECTOR: Ok, you’re out of here. Get her out of here.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Next thing I know I’m being hustled off the soundstage. The star of Castle, Nathan Fillion, yells “Jesus Christ” while this is all happening.
NATHAN: Jesus Christ!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) His outrage over the inhumane and cruel treatment of a fellow thespian was palpable. He couldn’t even make eye contact with me he was so upset.
HEAVY DOOR SLAM, PRODUCTION SET BELL RINGS SIGNIFYING “START PRODUCTION”
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So while this was not a great experience, in the end it turned out to be awesome! You know those Top 10 Lists on Variety? Top 10 Actors to Watch? Top 10 Assistants on the Rise? Top 10 Comics? Making one of those is Hollywood-speak for “You Have Arrived.” Well, dear Diary, I made one! Yep, I made Variety’s list of “Top 10 Extras No One Will Work With.” Me, Kitty Kinicki from Pickanicky…um, I mean Picatinny.
HERALDIC MUSIC, TRUMPETS BLAST
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) To be honest, I came in 11th. Dave knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that works at Variety who said I came this close to making the official list. Ah well. Eternal optimist that I am (I’m a Virgo!) I say, “There’s always next year.” Well, that’s it for now, Dear Diary. More adventures in Hollywood to come. Remind me to tell you the story of the time Dave booked me a gig at the Cans Film Festival. It’s a good one. I love you for listening. Keep your fingers crossed for the Untitled Carlötta Beautox Project coming to a screen near you. Kisses!
SOUND OF SOMEONE POUNDING ON DOOR
DAVE: Carlötta? Where’s the rent?
CLOSING THEME MUSIC