“Carlötta and Dave Goes To Cannes”
Samantha Gordon — Carlötta Beautox. Trevor Lissauer — Dave Chris Cleveland — Doctor Dirk
Brooklyn Jones and Raechel Wong — Shaming Chorus. Ann Sloan — Concierge
Theme Song composed by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Of all the Kardashians, the best one without a doubt, is Khloe. Her inspirational quotes are like Google maps for the soul. She once said, “I don’t have any regrets. I wouldn’t change a thing. You learn as you go.” That is today’s lesson, fans. Welcome to The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
SOUND OF PEN SCRATCHING ALONG ON PAPER
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Dear Diary, there’s this thing in Hollywood called IMDB — the Internet Movie Database. It’s a list of everybody and anybody working in entertainment.
They have this ranking…it’s called the star meter…and it tells you where you land on the food chain of Hollywood. Well today, I found out my ranking is 1,211,719!
CUE THE SHAME CHORUS AND SOUND OF BELL RINGING ALA GAME OF THRONES
SHAME CHORUS: Shame! Shame!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Now, before you go shaming me, let me tell you: this is actually very good news. I’m UP something like 200,000 places in the last week alone and I have to believe it’s because of the story I’m about to tell. It all happened a little more than a week ago…
HARP GLISS TAKES US TO FLASHBACKLAND
SFX OFPOUNDING ON DOOR
DAVE: Lottie! Lottie! Open up, I know you’re in there!
CARLÖTTA: Hang on, I’m coming, I’m coming.
FOOTSTEPS AND A DOOR OPENS
CARLÖTTA: Dave! I was just doing some journaling and…
DAVE: Why are you wearing a white Hitler mustache?
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Oh crap, Diary, I was bleaching my upper lip and had totally forgotten it was there. I must have looked less than my best. In fact, based on what Dave was saying, I think I looked like Hitler! Time to put those acting chops of mine to work.
CARLÖTTA: Um. I was just doing some character work on a role I’m auditioning for.
DAVE: You’re auditioning for Hitler?
CARLÖTTA: For a Got Milk commercial, silly.
DAVE: Huh. Not sure I get how Hitler ties in with milk but whatever.
CARLÖTTA: Why are you wearing a hat that says “Landlord”?
DAVE: Because today I’m here not as your talent manager, I’m here on official landlord business.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t like the sound of this.
DAVE: Look Lottie, times are tough, and bowling alley fees are on the rise.
CARLÖTTA: Jeez, Dave, when I’m getting screwed, I’m used to getting my hair pulled. What’s the damage?
DAVE: Buck and a quarter.
CARLÖTTA: (Laughs) That’s it? Hell, why not make it 2 bucks, I mean…
DAVE: That’s a hundred twenty five dollars…
DAVE: …a month, Lottie. Effective immediately.
CARLÖTTA: Damn, Dave. Some friend you are.
DAVE: I am not your friend, Carlötta. I am your landlord slash talent manager. Anyways, don’t worry, you’re gonna be rolling in it once you land this Hitler part.
CARLÖTTA: Got Milk.
DAVE: Nah, I’m lactose intolerant.
CARLOTTA CLOSES THE DOOR
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Oh Dear Diary, this is awful news. I’m barely scraping by. And I just found out that a vial of Restylane, the injectable that makes my lips large and liver-like, also went up. Wanna take a guess how much? A buck and a quarter! How’s that for a coinci…
POUNDING ON DOOR
DAVE: Lottie, Lottie! Open up! I think you’re in there.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, for God’s sakes.
CARLÖTTA: You think I’m in here? We were just talking.
DAVE: Wow. That white Hitler mustache! Gets me every time.
CARLÖTTA: Why are you now wearing a hat that says “Manager?”
DAVE: Becausenow, I’m here on official talent manager business.
DAVE: Big news, Lottie!
CARLÖTTA: Better be good.
DAVE: How would you like to go to the Cans Film Festival.
CARLÖTTA: Cannes? What? Wh-what are you saying?
DAVE: I got you a job at the Cans Film Festival! They need a booth model to hand out swag.
CARLÖTTA: What? The Cannes Film Fest? Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? This is a joke, right?
DAVE: It is no joke, Carlötta. This is the real deal! I gotta say, I’m a little surprised you’d even heard of it, y’know?
CARLÖTTA: Heard of it? Are you kidding me? This is everything I’d dreamed of.
DAVE: Cans is not even…
CARLÖTTA: Cannes. Not to be disrespectful, Dave, but it’s “can”. The “s” is silent.
DAVE: I’m not sure about that. You want the gig or no?
CARLÖTTA: Well, duh. This is incredible. You’re the best manager slash landlord a girl could ever want.
DAVE: Cool. Cool. Glad you’re happy. I’ll pick you up tomorrow…
CARLÖTTA: Tomorrow! Oh my…
DAVE: …at 9am in the morning. Sharp. I’ll stop at Dunkin’ so we have something to eat on the way.
CARLÖTTA: There’s so much to do! I love you, Dave!
KISS SOUND AS CARLÖTTA: PLANTS ONE ON DAVE
DAVE: Ugh. You got that Hitler makeup all over my ‘stache. Yuck. And it burns.
SOUND OF DOOR CLOSING
PEN SCRATCHING ON PAPER, WRITING
CARLÖTTA: (V.O) Dear Diary, I can hardly contain myself. A modeling gig at Cannes! This is everything. Dave really earned his 23% this time. Still, he is kind of a dolt, right? Did you hear him pronouncing it “cans”? So tacky. He better not pull that in France. I’ll die. I can’t worry about that. I, Carlötta Beautox, will soon be rubbing elbows with the Glitterazzi at the Cannes Film Festival! I will not sleep a wink tonight I guarantee you that!
SNORING SOUND EFFECTS
A TICKING CLOCK
CARLÖTTA: (murmuring in her sleep) Leo, Brad, Chrises Pine, Hemsworth, Evans, and Pratt. Yes, I will be your date at the Oscars. All of you.
POUNDING ON DOOR
SNORING SFX CONTINUES
DAVE: Lottie! Lottie! You in there?
CARLÖTTA: (rousing) What? Huh? Where am I? Who am I wearing?
DAVE: Lottie! Wake up!
CARLÖTTA: Oh my God. I overslept!
FOOTSTEPS RUN, DOOR OPENS
CARLÖTTA: Dave! I’m sorry! My alarm didn’t go off. Oh my God.
DAVE: Relax. It’s ok. No rush.
CARLÖTTA: No rush! But what time is our…
DAVE: We get there when we get there. I’m the manager. Leave that up to me.
CARLÖTTA: Really? Ok. Say, why are you dressed like that?
DAVE: Like what?
CARLÖTTA: Like flip flops and an off-brand Tommy Bahama shirt? And what happened to your mustache? It’s blonde, no, it’s white.
DAVE: I noticed that. It was that Hitler make up you planted on me yesterday when we kissed. Turned the ‘stache snow white. Weird. I kind of like it though.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah, it’s uh, it’s different.
DAVE: The drapes definitely do not match the curtains anymore, right?
CARLÖTTA: Yeah, no, but like, drapes and curtains are kind of the same thing, you know?
DAVE: Not anymore though, right?
CARLÖTTA: Right. I’m gonna get ready.
SHOWER SOUND EFFECTS RUNNING
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Diary, I shouldn’t be journaling in the shower like this. It’s doing a number on the pages. Let’s pick this up in the car.
WHOOSH SFX TAKES US TO A LITTLE LATER.
CAR DOOR SLAM AND ENGINE STARTS UP.
CARLÖTTA: I’m good. And carbs, y’know.
DAVE: Might be a while before we eat again.
CARLÖTTA: I’m just too nervous. And carbs.
DAVE: Suit yourself.
CARLÖTTA: So, Dave?
CARLÖTTA: Where’s your luggage?
DAVE: The fuck I need luggage for?
CARLÖTTA: Well, I mean, you can’t just…
CAR TURN SIGNAL CLICKS
CARLÖTTA: Why are we getting off here?
DAVE: Relax, I’m the manager, remember?
CARLÖTTA: But the airport is that way. You’re heading east on the 10. LAX is west.
DAVE: Well, look at you, being all WAZE app.
CARLÖTTA: Where the hell are we flying out of?
DAVE: Flying? We’re driving to Cans in case you haven’t noticed.
CARLÖTTA: You can’t drive to Cans…Cannes. Jesus, now you got me saying it. It’s Cannes…silent “s” ok? And you can’t drive there.
DAVE: First up, it’s canswith a loud “s”, of this I am certain. Second, you candrive there, or maybe I should say, “you cans drive there.” Ha!
CARLÖTTA: Ok, where exactly are we going?
DAVE: We are going to the Cans Film Festival in Pomona.
DAVE: Pomona. The Marriot to be precise. The city’s largest annual porn convention and it’s being held in the Grand Ballroom. You’re welcome.
CARLÖTTA: I thought this was an all-expense paid trip to the Cannes Film Festival in the South of France.
DAVE: You thought…what? France?
DAVE STARTS LAUGHING
DAVE: Seriously? France!
CARLÖTTA: Stop that! Is this some prank? A joke at my expense? You are beyond cruel.
DAVE: Oh, my God, this is so fucking funny. I can’t…I’m sorry but, I just can’t...I gotta pull over. France!
DAVE UNCONTROLLABLY LAUGHING
SFX CAR PULLING OVER
DAVE: Also, I’m sorry, did you say all-expense paid? Well, they are reimbursing the parking, does that count?
CONTINUE LAUGHER AND TEARS
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Dear Diary, this was just an awful turn of events. My every dream shattered there on the 10 Freeway heading east. Just when I think my moment has arrived, it’s snatched out from under me like that tablecloth trick your pervy uncle does at Thanksgiving right after he asks you to fish his keys out of his pocket.
CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) We arrived at the Marriot a mess. Both of us, just a mess.
LUGGAGE BEING WHEELED, SNIFFLING, ELECTRONIC DOORS WHOOSH OPEN, MUSAK PLAYING
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) My makeup was trashed from crying. Dave ended up crying too but only because he was laughing so hard.
DAVE ALTERNATING BETWEEN CRYING AND LAUGHING, BORDERLINE MANIC
CARLÖTTA: (Through tears) ‘Scuse me. Where’s the ladies?
CONCIERGE: Over there.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I went into a bathroom off the lobby and pulled myself together, changed into my hot outfit, the one I was going to wear…when…when I met Leo for the first time.
WATER RUNNING, ZIPPER, CLOTHES RUSTLING
CARLÖTTA STARTS CRYING AGAIN
CARLÖTTA: (In bathroom) No, no, no, mascara! Mascara!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Little did I know things were about to get interesting.
DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS, MINOR SNIFFLING
DAVE: She just went to the bathroom to uh…oh, here she is. Carlötta! Carlötta over here! I’d like you to meet Dr. Dennis Dirk. Dr. Dirk, say hello to Carlötta Beautox, your spokesmodel.
DR. DIRK: A beautiful name for a beautiful woman. I am delighted, nay, enchanted by you, my dear. Allow me to kiss your hand.
KISS SMACK SFX, CARLÖTTA GIGGLES, CHARMED, SHE MAKES COOING NOISE.
CARLÖTTA: Enchante’, Doctor Dirk.
DR. DIRK: Please, such formalities. Call me Dr. Dennis. Now, take my arm, let me escort you to our booth on the convention floor.
WALKING SFX, DOORS OPEN
GENTLE LOBBY MUSAK ENDS
THUMPING 70s PORN MUSIC STARTS, CROWD WALLAH
DR. DIRK: Carlötta Beautox, welcome to the Cans Film Festival.
CARLÖTTA: Holy-moly, this is huge!
DR. DIRK: Huge is the adjective we impresarios in adult entertainment strive for, which brings me to my product. Introducing the Dirk Dam. It’s revolutionary, a game-changer, and will upend the world. And you are just the woman who will put me on the map. I couldn’t have asked for a better representative.
WALKING CONTINUES, DR. DIRK TALKING FADES OUT
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Turns out Dr. Dirk is a dentist and an inventor. He’s just patented the world’s first ever dental dam with fluoride — which is a major medical advancement. I was really thrilled to be involved with something that was making the world a better place. My job was to stand in the booth and demonstrate the product.
CROWD WALLAH, 70s PORN MUSIC
CARLÖTTA: It’s so easy, you just insert the Dirk Dam in your mouth like…this
SOUND OF LATEX STRETCHING
CARLÖTTA: (speech garbled by device in her mouth) am vem, oo pan velite vour parther fafe-ly am emjoybably. *(And then, you can delight your partner safely and enjoyably)
CROWD WALLAH, MUSIC ENDS.
SOUND OF WRITING, PEN SCRATCHING PAPER
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) What started as a tragedy, a dream crushed, me not going to the Cannes film festival, turned out in the end to be a wonderful thing. I met some great people and I was able to change lives for the better. How often can you say you had a chance to do that? Someone even recognized me for my previous work.
PORN MUSIC RESUMES, CROWD WALLAH
IPHONE PHONE CLICK SFX
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And Dr. Dirk was amazing. He threw some from Dirk Dams in my purse along with his number. So maybe that’ll turn into something down the road.
DR. DIRK: So lovely to make your acquaintance, Carlötta Beautox. Until again we meet.
KISSING HER HAND. CARLÖTTA GIGGLES.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) The moral of the story is this: never give up. Today is hard. Tomorrow will be harder. But the day after that will be the day you meet Leonardo DiCaprio. Bye for now Diary. More adventures in Hollywood to come. Remind me to tell you the story of the time I hired a dialect coach for a new Colin Farrell project--the things I learned. Keep listening to the Carlötta Beautox Chronicles. Kisses!