Episode 4: “The truth about Helen”
Samantha Gordon as Carlötta Beautox Trevor Lissauer as Dave David Allen as Security Guard, Harvey Levin, Sir Ian McKellen
Aleksandra Kaniak as Waxer Chelsea Kwoka as TMZ Producer and Mystical Voice
Written/Produced/Directed/Edited by Ann Sloan Co-produced by Laura Lipson
Engineered by Ivan Rivera at Clear Lake Recording in North Hollywood, California
Full music and sound effect credits here
“The Truth About Helen”
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) “Gossip is the devil’s radio”. I once saw that tatted on the arm of a woman giving me a bikini wax. And in the moment, I felt safe and reassured with the idea of this bikini-waxer taking my secrets to her grave.
WAXING SPA MUSAK
RIPPING SOUND EFFECT, GASP
WAXER: Beauty is suffering.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O) It was like I was getting a Brazilian from Mother Theresa herself. But I wondered if it was realistic. I mean, if you came across something so juicy, so outrageous, so scandalous, would anyone really keep that quiet? Would Mother Theresa? Welcome to The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
SOUND OF PEN SCRATCHING ALONG ON PAPER
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Dear Diary, the internet has the best memes, don’t you think? Some inspire, some make us laugh, some offer cautionary advice for how to live our lives. There’s this one I saw: it said, ‘Never Meet Your Heroes’ and I can’t say I really understood the significance of that one until the day I met one of mine. But be warned: the names have been changed to protect me from litigation by the totally guilty.
HARP GLISS TO FLASHBACKLAND
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I was cast in the role of “Female Audience Member” during a taping of Wheel of Fortune.
GAME SHOW SFX, BUZZERS, AUDIENCE
CROWD CHANTING: “WHEEL OF FORTUNE!”
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) We had just wrapped production and I
was walking from the set to my car when I saw her: my number 2 celebrity girl crush right after Khloe Kardashian.
She was leaving her trailer, surrounded by her entourage. Now I can’t tell you her name
because the story I’m about to tell is way too scandalous. So, let’s just call her “Helen”.
FOOTSTEPS AND WALKIE TALKIE SQUAWK
SECURITY GUY: We’re walking. “Helen” is on the move. On set in 1 minute.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Helen herself walked right by me. It was amazing. I almost reached out to touch her, the pull of her aura was that strong. But I knew better than to do such a tourist move. I’m a professional. I did, however, do this:
CARLÖTTA: Helen! Helen! Can I get a selfie!
SECURITY GUY: Hey! Back off! You do not have eye contact privileges with “Helen”.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, sorry…sorry, I didn’t mean to…
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And then, just like that, Helen was gone.
CARLÖTTA: I love you, Helen!
CARLÖTTA: Oh man, what a star sighting! If my friends from Picatinny High could see me now.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Helen was gone but her production trailer, the one she had just emerged from, was there. Right in front of me. Like a beacon calling out.
MYSTICAL VOICE: Come, Carlötta, come. Come.
FOOTSTEPS WALKING AND SLOW DOWN
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) It was standing there, gleaming like a mirage in a God-forsaken back-lot desert, beckoning me to come closer. And I, thirsty for connection with my #2-celebrity-girl-crush-right-after-Khloe-Kardashian, could not help but be drawn to it.
MYSTICAL VOICE: Closer. Closer.
CARLÖTTA: Wow. Fancy. I’d love to see the inside.
If only there was a window, oh crap, it’s too high up.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) It was one of those eco-friendly, green trailers I’d always heard about--solar-powered, non-toxic paint, all LED lights, furniture covered in fabrics made in non-sweatshops with non-children. The exact thing you’d expect from a socially-woke, vegan, animal-loving celeb like Helen. I wished I could just go inside for a minute, just soak in the space where Helen got her hair and makeup done.
MYSTICAL VOICE: You can, Carlötta, the door’s unlocked.
CARLÖTTA: What? Who said that?
MYSTICAL VOICE: It’s ok, Carlötta. Helen’s security detail has gone to take a leak.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t know what’s happening, right now. Who’s talking?
MYSTICAL VOICE: Come closer. Come closer.
HORROR MUSIC BEGINS
CARLÖTTA: Well, ok. Just for a minute.
DOOR OPENS SFX
CARLÖTTA: Wow. I can’t believe I’m doing this! I’m going into Helen’s…
HORROR SHOCK CHORD!
CARLÖTTA: Oh. My. God. This can’t be right. Holy cow!
What a scandal! No, Helen, no!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Dear Diary, there in Helen’s trailer, my every dream was dashed by the discovery I made. It was absolutely criminal! Helen had swapped out all the low energy LED lights…for energy hogging incandescent bulbs. 75 watters! The very same ones banned back in 2013 by the Bush Administration! Helen had illegal contraband lightbulbs! I couldn’t believe it.
I looked in the bathroom and it was even worse…the water conserving faucets on the sink and shower were dismantled. The water poured out of them like fire hydrants. The low-flush toilets had been jury-rigged to be in this nightmarish constant-flush mode.
In the kitchen, the recycling bins were empty and all cans and bottles had been thrown in the regular trash. Helen was a landfill terrorist!
On the outside, this was supposed to be eco-friendly production trailer but inside it was an environmental hellscape! Helen was a lie!
CARLÖTTA: (Distraught) No, Helen, no. You’re so woke! How could you? This is just terrible. But wow, yeah, looking in the mirror here, I do look 10 years younger, these warm incandescent bulbs make the crepey-ness around my neck seem less…no! No! This is wrong. I can’t believe my idol Helen is involved in black-market light bulbs. You are my idol! Right after Khloe’ Kardashian!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) As if this couldn’t get any worse, out of my eye, what do I see in a trash can near the makeup table? Dear Diary, it was a wrapper from In-N-Out Burger!
HORROR SHOCK CHORD
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god, this can’t be. Helen is a total fraud. First, I find out she’s not an environmentalist and now I discover she’s not vegan! In fact, I bet she hates animals!
DOOR BURST OPEN LOUD!
SECURITY GUY: Hey, what the hell are you doing in here?
You are not authorized.
CARLÖTTA: Oh crap.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) No way was I getting past this massive security guy. It was like Lou Ferrigno and the Jason Mamoa had a baby and then they raised that baby on steady diet of steroids.
TUMULT, DOOR OPENS, RUNNING
SECURITY GUY: Hey! Get back here!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I ran out the back door of the trailer. I ran and ran and just barely escaped capture.
FAST RUNNING, HEAVING BREATHING
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) But not before I grabbed that In-N-Out burger wrapper. If I was going to expose Helen and her hypocrisy to the world, I was going to need proof.
KNOCKING ON DOOR
CARLÖTTA: Dave! Dave! Open up!
DAVE: Hang on, don’t get your tits in a twist.
FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS
DAVE: What the hell, Lottie! This better be important. I’m watching WTBA finals.
CARLÖTTA: The what?
DAVE: Duh. It’s just the Oscars of Bowling.
CARLÖTTA: Quick, let me in. Shut the door. I think someone is following me.
FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES, HEAVY BREATHING
BOWLING SFX BG
DAVE: Lottie, relax. What happened? What’s going on? What’s with the In-N-Out burger wrapper? Did you bring me any?
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I downloaded Dave on everything I had just seen on the lot.
CARLÖTTA: (Pressured) And then, and then I broke in…and then, there were these lightbulbs…and the toilets, the toilets were like fire hydrants.
DAVE: Ok, slow down, slow down. You’re not making sense. You need a drink.
ICE, POURING LIQUID
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Finally, I got the story out, every sordid detail. Dave was great, so patient, and as usual he had the best advice.
DAVE: We gotta call TMZ. They have a tip line and I’m pretty sure they pay.
CARLÖTTA: (Drunker) I don’t know. If they find out it’s me, I’ll never work in this town again. I’ll be blacklisted.
DAVE: So, you give a fake name.
CARLÖTTA: Carlötta Beautox is already a fake name. You mean give a faker name?
DAVE: That’s true. Whoa, I just got an idea. Lightbulb moment!
CARLÖTTA: Tell me.
DAVE: You give your real name.
CARLÖTTA: Kitty Kinicki?
DAVE: Yeah, that sounds totally fake and I’m the only person that knows it, right? No one can trace it back to you.
CARLÖTTA: Oh! And I can use my Irish accent, the one I just learned.
DAVE: What a magically delicious idea.
iPHONE DIALING SOUNDS, BEEPS, PHONE RINGS
SLACKER P.A.: You have reached the TMZ tip line. Please hold for the next available operator.
TELEPHONE HOLD MUSIC
CARLÖTTA: Dave, I’m kind of nervous.
DAVE: Don’t be. You’re gonna be fine. Remember, you’re a trained actress. You got this.
SLACKER P.A.: Thank you for calling the TMZ tip line. What’s your tip?
CARLÖTTA: (Polish accent) Is this the TMZ tip line?
SLACKER P.A. Sir, do you have a tip or not?
CARLÖTTA: Sir? Hey, I need to speak with…
SLACKER P.A. I’m having difficulty understanding you.
CARLÖTTA: That’s because I’m calling from Ireland.
SLACKER P.A. I don’t care if you’re calling from Mars ok, sweetie? You got a tip or no?
CARLÖTTA: I need to talk to Harvey Levin.
SLACKER P.A. Harvey? (Maniacal laugh) No one talks to Harvey Levin. Not no one. Not no how.
CARLÖTTA: Well, I want to report scandal, one that will rock entertainment world.
SLACKER P.A. Ok, Deep Throat, we’ll be the judge of that. You start spilling this alleged scandal or I’m hanging up.
CARLÖTTA: This involves major celebrity…I can’t say their name but it rhymes with “Helen”.
SLACKER P.A. Helen, ok.
COMPUTER KEYBOARD CLICKING
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I told TMZ all about Helen, the eco-trailer, the lightbulbs, the toilets.
SLACKER P.A. Uh-huh, uh-huh, ok. Toilets. Got it.
CARLÖTTA: I even have burger wrapper to prove it.
SLACKER P.A. Ok, truth? This seems pretty weak sauce, story-wise.
CARLÖTTA: What? When this gets out it will break internet.
SLACKER P.A. Ok, let me put it this way: on the Cardi B Nicki Minaj hair-pulling scale by which we at TMZ rate all stories, this is like a one.
CARLÖTTA: A one? You can’t be serious…
SLACKER P.A. Unless we have, like, the slowest news day in history, I don’t think it’s gonna make the cut but thanks for calling the TMZ hot tip line. Have a blessed day.
CLICK, DIAL TONE.
CARLÖTTA: Hello? Hello?
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Flashforward to the next day…
TMZ MUSIC BEATS
CARLÖTTA: Dave, Dave! It’s on. TMZ is on!
DAVE: Ok, fingers crossed, Lottie.
HARVEY: Welcome back to TMZ Live. One last bit of business before we close out the show on what has surely been the slowest news day in TMZ history. Ok, whattya got?
SLACKER P.A.: Harvey, this story comes from a tipster in Ireland.
HARVEY: Oh! Ireland. Faith and begorrah that it saves today’s otherwise deadly show.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god, this is it! It’s my story!
SLACKER P.A.: It involves the behavior of a major Hollywood celebrity and the strange goings-on inside their makeup trailer.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
SLACKER P.A.: Sir Ian McEllen has reportedly turned his production trailer into an echo chamber.
DAVE: Ian McEllen? What?
CARLÖTTA: No! I said it rhymes with Helen! It’s not Ian McKellen!
HARVEY: I don’t get it. Why does the star of Lord of the Rings need an echo chamber?
CARLÖTTA: Not an echo chamber! An eco-trailer!
SLACKER P.A.: Presumably because he likes the sound of his own voice?
DAVE: Oh man.
SLACKER P.A.: TMZ obtained this exclusive audio.
IAN MCKELLEN: Hello! Hello! Hello! My name is Ian McKellen, Kellan, Kellen, Kellen.
CARLÖTTA: What is happening right now?
DAVE: Jeez, this got seriously dicked up.
HARVEY: It really was a slow news day. Join us again tomorrow on TMZ when hopefully some former child actor from the cast of Mr. Belvedere will become impregnated with a space baby. God willing.
TMZ CLOSING THEME
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So while that was disappointing in the moment, overall, it was probably for the best. I’m not cut out to be a whistle-blower. I have no business exposing Helen or anyone else. We’re all just human beings and we all make mistakes. Even Helen. “Let sleeping dogs lie.” That was another meme I saw on the internet and maybe that’s the lesson for today. I’m done playing the devil’s radio. I’m done with gossip. If someone has a secret, maybe they have it for a damn good reason.
WAXING SPA MUSAK
RIP! WAXING STRIP REMOVED
CARLÖTTA: Gah!!! We almost done down there?
WAXER: Not quite. You are very hairy, Carlötta Beautox.
RIP! WAXING STRIP REMOVED
CARLÖTTA: Ouch!!! Yeah, I know. But why don’t we just keep that between us, ok?
WAXER: Oh shut up!