Episode 5: “high crimes and high colonics”
Samantha Gordon as Carlötta Beautox Trevor Lissauer as Dave
David Allen as Guy Pence, Vladimir Hamsandovich, Newscaster #1, The 3 Perverts
Vivia Armstrong as Agent Longher Chelsea Kwoka as Tiffani Ryan Manuel as Agent Harter
Written/Produced/Directed/Edited by Ann Sloan Co-produced by Laura Lipson
Engineered by Ivan Rivera at Clear Lake Recording in North Hollywood, California
Full music and sound effect credits here
“High Crimes and High Colonics Part One”
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls.” This is a quote from Khalil somebody or other. I think he’s an up and coming rapper. I saw it on a bumper sticker the other day when I was driving to my New Age spirituality meetup in Venice.
CAR SOUND EFFECTS, HONKING
CARLÖTTA: There, stopped in traffic on the 405, I realized how strong my soul is, with all the suffering I’ve endured in my quest to become famous. Whatever strength I had was about to be tested by the story I have to tell. Welcome to The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
CAR SOUNDS, HONKING
CAR RADIO STATION CHANGES
CARLÖTTA: Come on! Come on! I can’t be late for meditation!!! Where are all you people going, anyway?
CAR RADIO: A NEWS PROGRAM IN PROGRESS
NEWS REPORTER A leaked report obtained by PNN News claims the FBI is investigating Russian oligarchs in Los Angeles who may be plotting to destabilize American culture by compromising the social media accounts of celebrities.
CARLÖTTA: Ugh. Boring.
CAR STATION CHANGES TO MUSIC
CAR HORN HONKS
CELL PHONE RING
CARLÖTTA: Oh, it’s my guru Tiffani calling from the meetup. Tiffani?
TIFFANI: Hey doll, are you on your way?
CARLÖTTA: I’m stuck in traffic. So aggravating!
TIFFANI: Listen, that guy I was telling you about, Guy, he’s here. So, get your bony ass down here bish!
CARLÖTTA: I’ll be there as soon as I can. Hey, what’s this guy’s name anyway?
CARLÖTTA: Yes, what’s his name?
TIFFANI: That’s it.
CARLÖTTA: What’s it?
CARLÖTTA: The guy, what’s his name?
TIFFANI: Oh my god. Are you having a stroke?
CARLÖTTA: Can you just tell me what the guy’s name is?
TIFFANI: That’s correct.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O)So Diary, Here’s the thing about Tiffani: she’s awesome but not exactly the brightest bulb in the knife drawer. This conversation went on for like, 20 minutes and by the end of it I realized that the guy’s name was Guy.
TIFFANI: (Laughs) That’s so funny. I see why you were confused.
CARLÖTTA: I wasn’t the one confused.
TIFFANI: You’re so adorable.
CARLÖTTA: (passive aggressive) No, you’re adorable.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.)By the time we got it straightened out, I’d arrived at the New Age Meetup and the meditation was underway.There was this man in the corner, OM-ing up a storm.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) He’s one of those people in yoga class who has to sustain their Om longer than anyone.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And the entire class has to wait until he finishes OM-ing before we can do anything else. You know the type.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I’m hoping like crazy this OM-ing guy isn’t theguy, my guy, Guy. In fact, I meditated on that very thing.
CARLÖTTA: Please don’t be Guy, please don’t be guy.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And just like that, the meditation was over.
TIFFANI: Namaste bitches!
SOUNDS OF MEDITATION CLASS WRAPPING UP
TIFFANI: Carlötta! Carlötta. Come over here.
CARLÖTTA: Hey Tiffani!
AIR KISS SFX
TIFFANI: Carlötta, I’d like you to meet Guy. Guy, Carlötta.
GUY: Actually, I go by Ghee.
GUY: Ghee. It’s French for Guy.
TIFFANI: I wish I knew that. Carlötta and I had the most hilarious conversation about your name. She got totally confused earlier when she thought that I was saying guy when I was really saying Guy and then, it just got so crazy…
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.)So we were off to a great start. Not only was this guy, Ghee, not the obnoxious OM-ing guy as I feared, but he also pronounced his name like the French do. So that was good. Then he goes:
GUY: Have you ever had a colonic?
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Diary, I’ve heard a lot of pick-up lines in my life.
SUITOR ONE: I have zero college debt.
SUITOR TWO: ‘Scuse me, do you know if this CVS sells Magnum-sized condoms?
SUITOR THREE: You look like the kind of woman who has young nieces.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) But this pick-up line was new.
GUY: Have you ever had a colonic? It’s a sure fire way to rid yourself of all sorts of ailments…halitosis, scoliosis, cirrhosis, osteoporosis, neurosis,
CARLÖTTA: Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Ghee went through all of the osis diseases.
GUY: …Necrosis, expialidocious, flatter stomach.
CARLÖTTA: Wait, wait, wait, what was that last one?
GUY: Flatter stomach?
CARLÖTTA: That’s the one. Tell me more.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So this guy, Ghee, proceeds to tell me all about colonics…
GUY: Blah blah blah colonics blah blah blah…
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And more about himself…
GUY: Me, me, me, me, me, me.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Including the fact that he used to be an extra on General Hospital.
GUY: Back when I was on GH blah blah blah blah.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Plus the fact that he’s the number 1 guy in the number 2 industry.
GUY: IBS Weekly called me “The Elon Musk of the Colonic Industry.”
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And that he’s developing a kind of successor to the coffee-colonic.
GUY: It’s called…gird your loins…the Wasabi colonic. Circle trademark symbol. Isn’t that genius? My Russian backers are all over it.
CARLÖTTA: You have Russian backers?
GUY: Oligarchs, yeah.
CARLÖTTA: Oligarchs? I just heard a story about them on the radio. Wish I paid more attention to it though because in the tradition of dramatic foreshadowing, I’m sure it’ll come up later.
GUY: We’re developing a pitch for Kim Kardashian’s team, to see if this is something she might get behind no pun intended.
CARLÖTTA: Wow Kim, huh? Not even one of the lesser Kardashians?
GUY: Nope. Going straight to the mother lode with this one. This invention will explode.
CARLÖTTA: Kim is a master at getting in on the next big thing before it isthe next big thing, which is what makes her a star.
CARLÖTTA: Seriously, look what she did for asses, 10 years ago they were just something you sat on…
GUY: …and wiped.
CARLÖTTA: And now, well, they’re huge.
GUY: “The ability to recognize genius is what separates us from animals.” Kahlil somebody or other said that.
CARLÖTTA OMG, The rapper! I saw that on a bumper sticker!
GUY: Bumper sticker! Yeah!
CARLÖTTA and GUY: On the 405!
GUY: Wow, this must be a sign that we’re destined to hook up.
CARLÖTTA: It’s gotta be so cool to be on the forefront of this important medical breakthrough.
GUY: Oh, yeah, colonics…or as we call them in San Moritz…”Le Coloniques” are maximum cool. Speaking of breakthroughs though, I do need a test pilot.
CARLÖTTA: Test pilot?
GUY: It’s all just theoretical at this point.
CARLÖTTA: So, you haven’t tested this method? Even on animals?
GUY: Oh God no. I’m Vegan. There will be absolutely no animal testing. So, you game?
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So Ghee and I made plans for later that week…meanwhile I raced home to tell Dave!
FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPENS.
DAVE: Lottie! I’m so glad you stopped by because…
DAVE AND CARLÖTTA: I have big news! What? You first. Me first?
Ok if you insist.
DAVE: Stop! Stop! Ladies before gentlemen…usually, but not today. Carlötta, you will not believe what happened today.
CARLÖTTA: Ugh. Ok, go on.
DAVE: Remember that DNA test we took a few weeks ago?
CARLÖTTA: Yeah. You came up Neanderthal.
DAVE: Right. Well I also came up something else: I came up part of a family.
CARLÖTTA: What? I thought you had no family?
DAVE: Well, apparently the father I never knew must have sewn some wild oats back in the day because it turns out I got a grandmother in England.
DAVE: I got contacted by this lawyer…or a barrister, that’s what they call them over there. His name is Percy Cecil Moistenminge the 4th, Esquire.
CARLÖTTA: Wow. Dave, you could be royalty.
DAVE: Funny you say that, Moistenminge the 4th said my grandmother is a Dame.
CARLÖTTA: No kidding? Maybe she’s Dame Judy Dench?
DAVE: Don’t think so.
CARLÖTTA: Dame Helen Mirren?
DAVE: Doubt it.
CARLÖTTA: Dame Maggie Smith?
CARLÖTTA: Dame Edna?
DAVE: Not the point, Lottie. What matters is I have family. Me, Dave, the lone wolf, the orphan, the solitary man living in a cold, cruel world. It turns out, I’m not a speck of nothing hurtling through the universe by myself destined to die alone. I am going to be embraced into the warm bosom of a loving --and with any luck--wealthyfamily. It’s just so life-affirming.
Anyway, enough about me. What about you, you had some big news too.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah, me. I’m going to get a Wasabi enema!
DAVE: Come again?
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So I told Dave all about the medical breakthrough, and being the first ever to do it, and how it could be amazing for my career.
DAVE: I don’t know Lottie, this sounds a little sketch.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Diary, Dave can be so negative sometimes. It makes me crazy. He was obviously distracted by the news that he might be the Lost Prince of the Neanderthals.
DAVE: Whatever Carlötta, it’s your sphincter. Call me when you come to your senses.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Flashforward to one week later, the day of the experiment.
HARP GLISS TO FUTURE
GUY: Carlötta, here you are!
CARLÖTTA: Hi Ghee!
GUY: Are you ready to go venture where no person has gone before?
CARLÖTTA: Ay-ay, captain, I am ready.
GUY: First, you must meet my partner.
Vladimir Hamsandovich meet Carlötta Beautox.
VLAD: Pleasure to make acquaintance of such beautiful woman. You make Melania Trump look like oinker.
KISSES HER HAND.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, thank you Mr. Hamsam, Samhamwich, Ham..
VLAD: Please. Call me Vlad. May I say, that you are “Polyznii Idiot.” That is Russian for “generous spirit.”
CARLÖTTA: Thank you! And I agree about Melania, she always looks like she’s about to sneeze…
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So Ghee led me into the hydrotherapy room, I have to say I was a bit nervous but he quickly put me at ease.
GUY: This tube here carries off the waste matter which you’ll be able to see for yourself when it passes through this special viewing window.
GUY: Usually it’s just a run of the mill parade of tapeworms but this one time, I swear I encountered the Buick of parasites.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my goodness.
GUY: Yeah, shit happens.
SUDDENLY A CRASH AND YELLING FROM THE OTHER ROOM.
AGENT HARTER: FBI! Vladimir Hamsandovich?
VLAD: Hey, hey!
AGENT LANGHER: Shut up! You’re under arrest.
CARLÖTTA: What’s going on?
GUY: I don’t know! What the hell is happening? Vlad! Vlad!
DOOR IS KICKED IN
AGENT HARTER: Hands behind your back!
GUY: What the hell?
AGENT HARTER: Guy Pence?
GUY: It’s Ghee…Ghee Ponce. It’s French.
AGENT LANGHER: You sure it ain’t Russian spy? Put your hands behind your back, traitor, you’re under arrest.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my God! It’s you! You’re the OM-ing guy from meditation class.
AGENT LANGHER: Guy Pence you’re under arrest for fraud, public endangerment, and aiding a foreign hostile government. Mirandize him, strip him naked and put him in a harshly lit room.
AGENT HARTER: That’s…that’s not actually a thing the FBI does.
GUY: You can’t do this, you can’t do this…
CARLÖTTA: What! I don’t understand what’s happening!
AGENT HARTER: Ma’am, the FBI has been tracking Guy Pence and the Russian known to you Vladimir Hamsandovich for crimes against America.
CARLÖTTA: But why were you in my meditation class?
AGENT HARTER: Part of a deep cover operation to surveil the suspects.
AGENT LANGHER: Also, Agent Harter has “issues”.
AGENT HARTER: It’s unclear if you, Carlötta Beautox, were just a polyznii idiot or…
CARLÖTTA: Hey, how do you know my name? Yes! Matter fact, Vlad said I was a, a, “polynzii idiot”, a generous spirit.
AGENT LANGHER: It means useful idiot. Gather your things, we’re bringing you in for questioning.
CARLÖTTA: Questioning? But I have audition tomorrow for an eczema commercial.
AGENT HARTER: Tea tree oil works wonders.
AGENT LANGHER: I’ll allow one phone call.
PHONE RING RING RING
CARLÖTTA: Come on, come on, come on, pick up, pick up, pick up.
DAVE: Carlötta Beautox. I assume you’ve come to your senses?
CARLÖTTA: Not now Dave! I’m in trouble.
DAVE: What, the wasabi colonic proved to be a bad idea? How about I file it under “duh”.
CARLÖTTA: Please Dave! I’m in big trouble! This is the worst trouble I’ve ever been in.
DAVE: What’s happening?
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god. Send lawyers, guns, and money, Dave. The shit has hit the fan.
DAVE: I’m on my way!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Dear Diary, never in my life did I think I’d be involved in a situation so complicated that it required 2 parts! You know what they say: Never say never! Will I wind up in the big house? You’ll get no spoilers from me! Join us next time on The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles for part 2 of this saga. Toodles!
THEME MUSIC AND CREDITS.