EPISODE 6: “the schtick hits the fan”
Samantha Gordon as Carlötta Beautox Trevor Lissauer as Dave
David Allen as Guy Pence Vivia Armstrong as Agent Longher Chelsea Kwoka as Tiffani Ryan Manuel as Agent Harter
Written/Produced/Directed/Edited by Ann Sloan Co-produced by Laura Lipson
Engineered by Ivan Rivera at Clear Lake Recording in North Hollywood, California
FULL MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECT CREDITS HERE
TRANSCRIPT Episode 6
“THE SCHTICK HITS THE FAN”
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) “Dear Diary, I always thought of myself as an uncomplicated girl. Simple. Carefree. Easy. You know, in an “easy-like-Sunday-morning” kind of way, not the other kind of easy. I avoid complications: in romance, in my Starbucks order, in life. My motto is just: KISS -- Keep It Simple Stupid.
So given this, how did I, Carlötta Beautox, land in the middle of a wacky criminal conspiracy with global implications? It’s a tale so complicated, it had to be told in two parts!
Welcome to the Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
(V.O.) Dear Diary, When we last left the story, I had made arrangements with a guy named Ghee to beta-test a new holistic treatment called the Wasabi Colonic. It was supposed to improve your health. Little did I know that this guy, Ghee, was involved in some pretty shady business that resulted in this crazy FBI raid!
DOOR BREAKING IN, TUMULT
AGENT HARTER: Guy Pence?
GUY: Ghee Ponce. It’s French.
AGENT LANGHER: You’re under arrest for crimes against America.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And I, Carlötta Beautox, was rounded up in the sting and brought in for questioning.
AGENT HARTER: OK, let’s begin. I am FBI Special Agent Harter and joining me is Agent Langher. This is the witness statement of…please state your name for the record.
CARLÖTTA: Carlötta Beautox.
AGENT HARTER: Carlötta Beautox. Is that an alias?
CARLÖTTA: It’s my stage name. I’m an actress and an influencer-ess, but I’m also a…
AGENT LANGHER: “Influencer-ess” huh? Are you and your Russian handlers “influencer-ing” the destruction of American culture through social media?
CARLÖTTA: What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
AGENT HARTER: Ok, we’re getting ahead of our skis. Ms. Beautox, let’s start with your real name.
CARLÖTTA: It’s Kitty, Kitty Kinicki and I’m innocent, I tell you, I can’t go to jail! I swore off jumpsuits years ago. They’re just such a nuisance when you’re at da club and you have to download some vodka cranberry.
AGENT HARTER: Ma’am, you’re not going to jail because you’re not under arrest.
AGENT LANGHER: Yet.
AGENT LANGHER: Spill the tea and you’ll stay out of federal prison. But play it cute and we’ll be checking your size card for that orange jumpsuit.
CARLÖTTA: Oh! I’m a 2 but I can’t do orange. It really clashes with my skin undertones.
AGENT LANGHER: Wonderful. I’ll make sure the Federal Prison stylist gets the note.
AGENT HARTER: Ms. Beautox, we just want you to answer a few questions.
CARLÖTTA: Questions? What kind of questions? Like an interview?
AGENT HARTER: Exactly like an interview. Just pretend you’re a guest on, say, the Helen Show.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, I wouldn’t be caught dead on the Helen Show. She’s a fraud. The FBI should investigate her!
AGENT LANGHER: Enough fun and games. You’re not on a talk show, Ms. Beautox. You’re with the FBI and you’re gonna start talking or we’ll start enhanced interrogation techniques.
AGENT HARTER: Ok, again, that’s not a thing that the FBI actually does…officially.
CARLÖTTA: I’ll tell you everything. Just don’t waterboard me please. Only yesterday, I got this blowout at Drybar you see…
AGENT HARTER: It looks very nice.
CARLÖTTA: Thank you. They were having a promotion for this Rebel Wilson movie and…
AGENT LANGHER: Oh, I’m sorry, do you two want to talk about your gel manicures now? Are we at the health and beauty segment of the talk show?
CARLÖTTA: In fact, I know a wonderful salon!
AGENT LANGHER: Shut up and tell us about Operation Wasabi.
CARLÖTTA: Well, it wasn’t an operation,it was more of a procedure. See, they take a tube and they place it up…
AGENT LANGHER: I don’t mean the enema part!
AGENT HARTER: She’s talking about the relationship between Guy Pence and Vladimir Hamsandovich.
CARLÖTTA: Oh. Mr. Hamsandovich is an oligarch!
AGENT HARTER: We know that.
CARLÖTTA: And Ghee, well I just met Ghee once.
AGENT LANGHER: You want us to believe that you met Guy Pence…once?
CARLÖTTA: It’s Ghee Ponce…once.
AGENT LANGHER: And after just onemeeting with Ghee Ponce-wonce, you agreed to participate in a wasabi colonic?
AGENT LANGHER: You think we’re going to believe that? We’re the motherfucking FBI. Do we look stupid?
CARLÖTTA: You want me to answer that?
AGENT LANGHER: I think I’m entitled!
CARLÖTTA: You want answers?
AGENT LANGHER: I want the truth!
CARLÖTTA: You can’t handle the truth!
CARLOTTA STARTS CRYING
DOOR BUZZES, OPENS
DAVE: Carlötta! Carlötta! Don’t answer any questions.
AGENT HARTER: You know this man?
CARLÖTTA: He’s my manager…
AGENT HARTER: Which is it?
AGENT LANGHER: Ok, I’m gonna need an aspirin with a Xanax chaser.
DAVE: Carlötta, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.
AGENT HARTER: You don’t need to Mirandize Ms. Beautox because she is not under arrest and besides, that would be our job. I’m sorry--you are?
DAVE: Don’t be sorry. I just said I am Ms. Beautox’s manager…I mean lawyer.
AGENT LANGHER: You have a name, Mr. Manager-I-Mean Lawyer?
DAVE: Yes, matter fact, I do.
AGENT LANGHER: Feel free to indulge us when you’re ready. We have all day.
DAVE: I’m Dave.
AGENT HARTER: Yeah, we got that part. Is there a last name Mister…Dave?
DAVE: It’sBarristerDave, uh, Moistenmindge.
AGENT HARTER: Moistenmindge?
DAVE: The 4th.
AGENT LANGHER: This is like a clown-car of stupid. Well, it seems you are in very good hands, Ms. Beautox.
CARLÖTTA: Thank you, I think so too. In fact, Dave…
DAVE: Ms. Beautox would like to invoke her 25th amendment rights on the grounds that it might intimidate her.
AGENT HARTER: I think you mean “5thamendment” and “incriminate her”.
DAVE: We’ll do that one too, ipso facto, you know? Can’t be too careful.
AGENT HARTER: Ok again, because Ms. Beautox is not on trial, there is no need to invoke her 5thamendment or 25thamendment or really any of the amendments. This is just a witness interview.
CARLÖTTA: Like on a talk show, Dave!
DAVE: Oh ok. But generally speaking, Carlötta here doesn’t know anything.
AGENT HARTER: Yep. Starting to get that.
AGENT LANGHER: So, Ms. Beautox, according to your lawyer, I’m sorry your barrister, you don’t know anything?
AGENT LANGHER: You don’t know that a Kremlin-backed Oligarch by the name of Vladimir Hamsandovich and an American by the name of Guy Pence conspired to blah blah blah blah blah…
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Holy cow Diary, the nasty FBI lady laid out the entire scheme they were investigating.It was bananas.
AGENT LANGHER: …and millions of dollars were being transferred off shore to a secret account in Crete in exchange for blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Turns out there was this Russian-based plot to destroy the very fiber of America by delegitimizing our celebrities and creating a global embarrassment crisis.
AGENT LANGHER: …and the plan was to have a major celebrity endorse the procedure which would have resulted in blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) If someone like Kim Kardashian had promoted this thing, millions of her followers might have shoved wasabi up their asses. America would have become a laughing stock never to be taken seriously again.
AGENT LANGHER: …so you’re saying for the record, Carlötta Beautox, that you had no knowledge of any of that?
CARLÖTTA: No! None of it. I was told the wasabi colonic would relieve bloat.
AGENT LANGHER: That’s it?
CARLÖTTA: No, that’s not all! It cures halitosis and a whole host of other “osis” conditions as well.
AGENT LANGHER: Oh my God.
AGENT HARTER: Ok, Ms. Beautox, we’re going to wrap up this interview. It’s obvious your involvement was merely peripheral. You and your, um, barristerare free to go.
AGENT LANGHER: You are what they call at Langley: a textbook definition of a useful idiot.
CARLÖTTA: Oh I’m so glad I was useful! Happy to serve my country. Can I get a selfie for my Insta?
AGENT LANGHER: No, you can not get a selfie!
CARLÖTTA: Ugh. Whatevs.
CHAIRS SCRAPING, DOOR CLOSES.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Look diary, here’s the thing: I’m happy the FBI thwarted the plan and all, but I have to say, I don’t think a little wasabi could have destroyed America. We’re stronger than that. Our popular culture is more resilient. Our celebrities are more fierce.
You can’t embarrass America out of existence! It’s not possible! We’re the country that invented Vaginal Facials for God sakes.
We gave the world goat yoga and celery juice and sunscreen pills. We created $66 jade eggs to put up your cootchie in order to improve your Chi. Anything you find on Goop.com? Well, that happened in America!
A wasabi enema wouldn’t have humiliated us, it would have just made us stronger. Anyone assuming otherwise would be sadly mistaken.
America has a long and proud future ahead and we, along with our celebrities, plan to forge ahead, crystal-encrusting everything along the way.
DAVE: Wow. That was a hell of a speech, Carlötta.
CARLÖTTA: Thanks. I’m gonna use it as part of my TED talk.
DAVE: TED talk? You know you can’t do that right?
The FBI said your witness statement has to remain sealed. You can’t talk about this thing.
DAVE: Not without getting yourself in a heap of trouble.
CAR SOUND EFFECTS, HONKING
RADIO NEWCAST: From PNN News: a breaking story on the continued investigation of Russian oligarchs infiltrating Los Angeles…
CARLÖTTA: Oh, here’s our story!
RADIO NEWCAST: …FBI field officers today arrested 2 individuals connected to the Russian plot to destabilize American culture. They are being arraigned in federal court today. Sources close to PNN news say an unnamed useful idiot was also questioned and released.
CARLÖTTA: Useful idiot? That’s me! And I’m not unnamed! I’m Carlötta Beautox damn it and I’m gonna scream it to the world.
CAR WINDOW OPENS, WIND
CARLÖTTA: They call me Carlötta Beautox!
DAVE: Carlötta, Carlötta, get your head back in the car! You’re gonna get yourself killed!
BACK IN THE CAR, WINDOW CLOSES
CARLÖTTA: Oh, this is just so sad. I was so close to being a household name.
DAVE: You don’t want to become famous this way. Trust me. We’ll get there, I promise.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah, I guess. By the way Dave, that was some super-fancy lawyering you did back there.
DAVE: Thank you. Thank you. Maybe you’re not the only one in the car with acting chops, huh?
CARLÖTTA: Well, it worked. I could have wound up in Guantanamo if not for you. I hear it’s a dump.
DAVE: No problemo.
CARLÖTTA: Hey, I got an idea. How ‘bout I take you bowling? My treat. Let’s call it your retainer, Barrister Moistenmindge.
DAVE: The 4th. And you’re on.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So diary, that’s the way this epic 2 part story ends. With a wimper. And bowling. And you know what? That’s just the way I like it. The lesson? Just KISS—Keep it simple stupid. Life is hard, don’t make it harder by getting involved in global espionage. It’s exhausting!
Mwah! Love you guys. Thanks for listening to the Carlötta Beautox Chronicles. Remind me to tell you about the time I took a gig as an alpaca babysitter. It’s a doozy.