EPISODE 7: “alpaca sweater and a bag of donuts”
Samantha Gordon as Carlötta Beautox Trevor Lissauer as Dave
David Allen as Dominick Baggadonitz and Dame Pickles
Karen Law as Waze App Voice/Housekeeper Heidi Strock as Giggle App Voice
Written/Produced/Directed/Edited by Ann Sloan Co-produced by Laura Lipson
Engineered by Ivan Rivera at Clear Lake Recording in North Hollywood, California
FULL MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECT CREDITS HERE
transcript - Episode 7
“Alpaca Sweater and A Bag of Donuts”
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Disappointment. Every actor faces it. That moment in the audition when you know you’ve nailed the role but then the casting director goes all Ariana Grande: “Thank you, next.” It sucks. For me, this has been a season of disappointment--one crushing blow after another. They say the Kiss of Death is when you start to lose hope. But no one ever talks about the Dry Hump of Death. Well today, Dear Diary--we’re going there, because these are desperate times and desperate times call for The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
DAVE: Carlötta, you in there? Carlötta!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Oh Dear Diary, here we go again. It’s my manager slash landlord Dave with news that either my rent is going up or news that he hasn’t found me any work.
DAVE: Hey! I can hear you in there! Scratching away in that diary. Open up!
CARLÖTTA: I’m coming, I’m coming. Don’t get your nads in a knot.
CARLÖTTA: Dave. What a pleasant surprise, said no one ever.
DAVE: Well, you’re in a mood. Can we talk?
CARLÖTTA: I guess.
DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS
DAVE: Listen, Carlötta, I know I’ve been a been a bit distracted lately and may have been slacking on my manager duties.
CARLÖTTA: You think?
DAVE: But this thing, me being contacted by an English barrister about having aristoCAT blood…
CARLÖTTA: It’s aristoCRAT, dummy.
DAVE: Whatever. Well, it turns out it’s legit! This guy, Percy Cecil Moistenmindge the 4th, is representing some Dame, Dame Pickles, who says I’m her grandson! The sole living heir of the Pickles estate. It’s like friggin’ Downtown Abbey!
CARLÖTTA: It’s Downton…not Downtown, you idiot.
DAVE: Whatever. Anyways, they’re flying me to England to meet my grandma. She’s like 104 years old and doesn’t have much time left.
CARLÖTTA: Well big friggin’ whoopdie doo! I’ll bust out a fascinator for the occasion.
DAVE: Don’t be like that. This could be good for you too. Imagine have a member of the British aristocracy for your manager- landlord.
CARLÖTTA: It boggles the mind.
DAVE: Hey, I got an idea—why don’t you join me? All expenses paid! You could be my plus one.
CARLÖTTA: Right. Last time I thought I was taking an all-expense paid trip to Europe, I wound up at a porn convention in Pomona. Remember? So, I’m a hard pass.
DAVE: Suit yourself.
CARLÖTTA: I’ll never get a star on the Walk of Fame by going off to sip tea with the queen. I gotta stay back here and look for work.
PING! PHONE ALERT
CARLÖTTA: Speak of the devil: that’s my Giggle App.
GIGGLE APP VOICE: This is a Giggle App alert. Click to see your gig.
CARLÖTTA: It sends me alerts for freelance jobs. Let’s see what it says.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, this is interesting.
DAVE: What is it?
CARLÖTTA: It says: “Major Hollywood celebrity seeks responsible person to take care of their alpacas.” The job lasts one week.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah you know, alpaca sweaters.
DAVE: No shit? People would actually pay someone to look after their sweaters?
CARLÖTTA: Why not? People care about their stuff. I just read that Stevie Nicks has thousands of shawls that she keeps in a temperature-controlled bunker. I bet you she’s got a shawl-butler.
DAVE: You Hollywood-types are so weird.
CARLÖTTA: Not weird. Just particular. I’m clicking yes on this gig. It’s too good to pass up.
PHONE CLICK, WHOOSH SFX
DAVE: Fine. Pass up a trip to England to take care of some sweaters.
CARLÖTTA: The gig pays $500 and that means you’ll get the rent this month.
DAVE: Like I said, you’re making the right choice! I’ll bring you a Big Ben magnet.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So Diary, later that night my Giggle App ping’ed me again. It said that the Hollywood celebrity had requested an interview! So exciting! The property is Malibu. I wondered what major star it is!
CAR SOUNDS, DRIVING
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) The next day I drove out to Malibu.
WAZE APP VOICE: In point 8 miles you’ll arrive at your destination.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) It was up in the Malibu mountains, a modest house but with a very large backyard.
FOOTSTEPS WALKING, DOOR KNOCKING
CARLÖTTA: Hi I’m Carlötta Beautox, I’m here about the alpaca job.
HOUSEKEEPER: Mr. Dominick is finishing up an interview. You wait here.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And I’m thinking to myself, Dominick? What famous Dominicks are there? There aren’t any that I know of and then all of a sudden…
DOMINICK: Carlötta Beautox? (laughs) What kind of crazy handle is that? I’m Dominick Baggadonitz.
CARLÖTTA: Nice to meet you, Mr…?
DOMINICK: Baggadonitz. Please come into my office.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So I follow this Baggadonitz guy into his office and he doesn’t look famous at all! Boy, this is some letdown. But still, 500 bucks is 500 bucks, right?
DOMINICK: Please. Have a seat.
SITTING ON LEATHER CHAIR SQUEAK
DOMINICK: So, a little about myself: as I said, my name is Dominick Baggadonitz. If I look familiar to you…do I look familiar to you?
CARLÖTTA: Oh yes! I’m just trying to remember what I’ve seen you in.
DOMINICK: I’m most famous for having played Scott Baio’s stand-in in Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2.
CARLÖTTA: That must be it.
DOMINICK: Yeah, I had no screen time, of course, being his lighting stand-in, but I was in the credits.
CARLÖTTA: That you were!
DOMINICK: Anyway, I’m headed off to BaioFest which is an annual convention for Scott Baio fans.
CARLÖTTA: That’s a thing?
DOMINICK: Oh yeah. It’s the nation’s largest. Takes place in Missouri. Town called Kneesbanger, a mere 47 miles east of Branson. The town motto is ‘Bang your knees in Kneesbanger.’
CARLÖTTA: Wow. Does it get big crowds?
DOMINICK: Oh yeah, last year there was like, 30, 31.
CARLÖTTA: 30 thousand? That’s incredible.
DOMINICK: Not 30 thousand, 30. People. Maybe 31.
DOMINICK: I go, bring headshots that I autograph for my fans, sell some merch.
CARLÖTTA: You have merch? That’s great. Really good for branding.
DOMINICK Yeah, right?
CARLÖTTA: What kind of merch? Wait! Wait! Let me guess!
DOMINICK: Go for it.
CARLÖTTA: Bags of donuts, right?
CARLÖTTA: Bags of donuts.
DOMINICK: Why would I sell bags of donuts at a convention?
CARLÖTTA: Oh sorry, I thought that was obvious. You know, because of your name.
CARLÖTTA: No, Baggadonitz.
DOMINICK: I don’t get it.
CARLÖTTA: I was thinking: Dominick Baggadonitz’ Bag of Donuts.
DOMINICK: You’re a weird chick, you know?
CARLÖTTA: Never mind.
DOMINICK: I sell Dominick Baggadonitz’ Cigarette Lighters and Hub Caps.
DOMINICK: No, not together.Jeez, you don’t know much about branding. Hopefully, you know more about alpacas.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, I do.
DOMINICK: Let’s see, according to your application, you got experience with these things.
CARLÖTTA: Oh sure. I mean, I’ve owned several over the years.
DOMINICK: Several? Ok, that is impressive.
CARLÖTTA: I was very good at taking care of them. The ones I had lasted for years.
DOMINICK But you no longer own any? Might I ask what happened to them?
CARLÖTTA: Oh, they just eventually disintegrated.
DOMINICK: Disintegrated? I didn’t know that could happen.
CARLÖTTA: Oh sure. Moths, you know?
DOMINICK: Whoa. Live and learn. Look, my alpacas are very precious to me. Dominick Baggadonitz loves these little fuckers like they was his own kids. I gotta know I’m leaving them with the right person, you know?
CARLÖTTA: Oh, I feel you. I once sent a cashmere sweater to a Groupon dry cleaner and they just ruined it. I was heart-broken.
DOMINICK: I’m not sure what that has to do with anything. Why don’t we continue with the interview? Please complete the following sentence: “My favorite thing about alpacas is…”
CARLÖTTA: My favorite thing is, um, they’re warm?
DOMINICK: Yes, they are. Good answer. “And my least favorite thing about alpacas is…”?
CARLÖTTA: They can be…itchy.
DOMINICK: I suppose that’s true. It sounds like you spent a lot of time rubbing up against them.
CARLÖTTA: Well, I guess it’s impossible not to, right?
DOMINICK: Hey, no judgment. Dominick Baggadonitz is nothing if not open-minded.
DOMINICK: Listen kid, I saw a lot of candidates today and every single one of them was less nutty than you. But you got something they don’t: you got spirit. So, Dominick Baggadonitz is ready to call it: you, Carlötta Beautox, are officially hired to take care of my alpacas!
CARLÖTTA: Yay me!
DOMINICK: So, whaddya say we go meet Don Jr. and Eric?
CARLÖTTA: Don Jr. and Eric?
DOMINICK: My alpacas!
CARLÖTTA: You’ve named your alpacas?
DOMINICK: (Laughs) Who doesn’t name their alpacas?
CARLÖTTA: Um, this guy?
DOMINICK: You’re a funny broad. Let’s head out to the barn.
DOMINICK: Yeah. That’s where I keep them. Where did you keep your alpacas?
CARLÖTTA: Well, I always kept them in the house, of course.
DOMINICK: Let me get this straight: you didn’t name your alpacas but you kept them in the house? You are one whack-a-doodle lady Carlötta Beautox! I like you.
DOOR OPENS, WALKING, ANIMAL SOUNDS IN THE DISTANCE
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) So at that point, Mr. Baggadonitz took me off to meet his alpaca sweaters which he’s named and which he keeps in a barn.
DOMINICK: Carlötta Beautox, say hello to Don Jr. and Eric. Boys, say hello to your babysitter for the week!
DOMINICK: You ok, Carlötta? You look like you want to pass out.
CARLÖTTA: (hyperventilating) Oh my God. I’m ok…it’s just that, I thought, it’s just a bit overwhelming.
DOMINICK: Don’t worry. Experienced alpaca handler like you? They won’t cause you any trouble, at least Eric won’t. He’s a little dopey. You gotta watch out for Don Jr. though, he can get a little frisky, probably because I never got around to getting him fixed.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my God, oh my God. This is happening isn’t it?
DOMINICK: Toodle-oo Carlötta, I’m off to BaioFest. Any problems, you got my cell. Reception sucks out there in Kneesbanger but I’ll get back to you eventually. See you in a week!
ALPACAS BLEAT LOUD!
CARLÖTTA: Dave! Dave! Help me!
DAVE: Carlötta! You caught me at a bad time. I got a mouthful of spotted dick.
CARLÖTTA: You what?
DAVE: It’s a dessert. These English got some fucking weird names for their food. Look, I can’t stay on the phone long.
CARLÖTTA: What’s going on over there? Sounds like a party.
DAVE: Yeah, that’s the thing. I’m at this fancy dinner my grandmother is throwing in my honor—-to welcome me into the family. I pretended to drop some dick under the table so I could crouch down to take the call. You would not believe this place. You shoulda come. It’s got a fucking moat!
CARLÖTTA: I can’t talk about that right now! Dave, you have to help me. I’m in trouble! Don Jr. is humping my leg.
DAVE: Wait, what? TheDon Jr.?
CARLÖTTA: No, the other Don Jr.! The alpaca one!
DAVE: You’re talking crazy-talk and this is a really bad time. I’m surrounded by lords and barons and dukes and they even got a marquis! I didn’t even know that was a thing.
CARLÖTTA: Dave listen! The alpacas I’m taking care of? They aren’t sweaters! They aren’t sweaters at all!
DAVE: Are they coats?
CARLÖTTA: No, they’re not alpaca coats and they’re not alpaca sweaters! They’re alpacas! Real alpacas! And one of them, the one with the weak chin, is dry humping my leg right now!
ALPACA MOANING SOUNDS
CARLÖTTA: Although I don’t think it’s gonna be dry for long.
DAVE: (Laughs) Holy shit! Can you Facetime me right now? I gotta see this.
CARLÖTTA: No, I can not Facetime you!
DAME PICKLES: David! David! Where did that boy go?
DAVE: Oh crap, gotta go, my grandmother’s calling me.
CARLÖTTA: You can’t leave me like this.
DAVE: I’m sorry, Carlötta. There’s nothing I can do from England. You’re gonna have to handle this on your own.
CARLÖTTA: But Dave, you don’t understand! Don Jr. is about to…he’s about to…
DAME PICKLES: Come! Come dear boy! There you are! Wherever did you go? You just seemed to disappear.
DAVE: I was just retrieving my dick, GranMimzie!
LINE GOES DEAD
CARLÖTTA: Dave? Dave? Hello. Oh my God. (starts to cry)
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) SoDear Diary, that’s how this miserable week ended. It was humiliating. The whole thing. This whole Hollywood experiment. I tell you I’m done. It’s over. I’m going back home…back to Pickanicky…I mean Pickatinny, New Jersey. I’ll get a job at the Arsenal, meet a guy who’s over-extended on a boat, eat chicken parm every Sunday and just live my life in peace and quiet.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) OK, maybe not the quiet part. The bottom line is this—I’m never gonna be famous, it’s not gonna happen for me. The faster I get used to that idea…the faster…
GIGGLE APP PINGS!
CARLÖTTA: Oh, what’s this?
GIGGLE APP VOICE: This is a Giggle App alert. Congratulations, you have a gig. Click to accept.
CARLÖTTA: A gig? Huh? Wonder what it is. Oh! It says, “You have been hired to work as a server…at a Khloe Kardashian event!” Oh my God! Khloe Kardashian! This can’t possibly be true. Somebody pinch me! This is it! This could be my big break! Hollywood, gird your loins Carlötta Beautox is back!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Dearest Diary, the moral of the story is this, just when you think it’s over…it’s far from. You know the saying, “It ain’t over ‘til Carlötta Beautox sings”. (Sing a high note!) Be sure to join me next time when I actually meet my idol, my hero, my personal Jesus…the one, the only (sing) Khloe Kardashian. It’s our season finale and it’s going to be nuts.