EPISODE 8: “wherein carlötta meets her idol khloe kardashian”
Samantha Gordon as Carlötta Beautox Trevor Lissauer as Dave
David Allen as Bruno, Party Goer, Matthew McConnaughy Victoria Hansen as Khloe Kardashian, Server, Party Goer
Justin Mayer as Ya-Ya, British Newscaster Heidi Strock as Giggle App Voice
Written/Produced/Directed/Edited by Ann Sloan Co-produced by Laura Lipson
Engineered by Ivan Rivera at Clear Lake Recording in North Hollywood, California
FULL MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECT CREDITS HERE
transcript - episode 8 season finale
“Wherein Carlötta meets her idol khloe kardashian”
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Turnt. That’s the only word I can use to describe what happened to my life out of the blue. Just as I was about to give up, ditch whole Hollywood dream, and go back to New Jersey, I landed the gig of my life.
GIGGLE APP: This is your Giggle App. You have a new gig! You’ve been offered a job as a server at a Khloe Kardashian event. Click to accept.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And everything in my life got turnt-- upside down, inside out, and sideways to boot. Welcome to The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles.
(V.O.) Diary, you probably know by now how I feel about Khloe Kardashian. I can’t describe how I adore her. She is my personal Jesus, my personal Oprah, and my personal glass of wine all rolled into one person.
The opportunity to pass out canapes to people she knows was like, the literal highlight of my life. But working an event at her home required serious security vetting. A meeting was called.
BRUNO: Hello. Is this thing on? Welcome. I am Bruno, Ms. Kardashian’s head of security. If you are done with the finger-printing, retinal scans, and signing of the undying fealty agreement we can begin. I’d like to introduce the individual who will be your point person on the event. Ms. Kardashian has once again secured the most exclusive event producer since time began. I present the legend: YaYa.
YAYA: I am YaYa. You’re welcome. YaYa will take a discreet pause here to absorb your applause.
YAYA: Congratulations on being chosen to serve at this exclusive event. YaYa wants you to give yourselves a pat on the back for making it here. But first get consent. YaYa means it. Everyone: pat, pat, pat.
SOUNDS OF BACK PATTING
CARLÖTTA: Oh, ok. Patting myself. Good job, Carlötta.
YAYA: We are here because Ms. Kardashian is launching an incredible new product for the world to behold. Bruno has assembled a team of former Mossad agents to ensure secrecy in advance of the launch. If there are any leaks, well…I’ll have Bruno take it from here….
BRUNO: Per the non-disclosure you signed, if you talk about this before the event, your tongue will be cut out.
CARLÖTTA: Ha-ha. That’s a metaphor, right?
SERVER: Oh, you didn’t read the fine print?
YaYa: That’s right, it will get all Handmaid’s Tale up in here. So, no loose lips, ok?
Speaking of that, the product being launched is the Klitter Kegel Exerciser by Khloe, circle trademark symbol. YaYa is holding one, see? It is beautifully encrusted with Swarkovski crystals. So Kardashian. So on brand.
YAYA: A few particulars about the event. You will be provided with this uniform, can everyone see? It’s a white baby one-sie which you will wear with thisunicorn hat, and for accessories: an unlit cigar which must remain in your mouth at all times.
APPLAUSE, OOHS, AAHS
YAYA: White 4-inch Louboutin shoes are mandatory. But you’ll have to provide your own. Do you think we have shoes for everyone? Especially you over there Sasquatch.
CARLÖTTA: Louboutins? What? Do you own a pair?
SERVER: You mean you don’t? How did you get approved for this gig?
CARLÖTTA: Oh, of course, I meant: do you own just one pair? LOL. My closet has Louboutins coming out the ying-yang.
SERVER: (snide) Yeah, right.
YAYA: One last item. We have invited someone special to the event and we are beyond thrilled. It’s the anonymous graffiti artist, vandal, and anarchist who has been called the new Banksy.
CARLÖTTA: The new Banksy? What’s the old Banksy?
SERVER: You’re joking, right?
YAYA: This artist, who has no conventional name, goes by the sound *pffft*. We have no idea what he, she, or they look like. No one does. But we have it on strong authority that *pffft* will attend.
SERVER: Wow! They got *pffft* That’s incredible.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah! *pffft*
YAYA: So, if you see someone at the event doing something subversive, disruptive, or anarchist, just keep passing the canapes. It’s performance art, ok?
CYMBAL TO NEW SCENE
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Dear Diary, this was the most exciting thing ever! I can’t believe this is happening!
One thing though…the Christian Louboutin shoes with their signature red soles. I looked online: they’re $800 bucks!
It’s times like this I wish Dave were here and not in England. He’s so great for brainstorming ideas. I was thinking WWDD…What Would Dave Do and just as I was about to despair…a lightbulb moment!
BELL OVER STORE DOOR TINKLES
CARLÖTTA: Where do you keep the spray paint?
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) A $30 pair of white pumps from Shoes for Less, and a can of red spray paint from the Dollar Store. Ha! Instant Christian Louboutin shoes. Suck it, Neiman Marcus!
SPRAY CAN BEING SHAKEN AND SPRAYED.
CARLÖTTA VOCALIZES, PHONE RINGS
CARLÖTTA: Oh! It’s Dave, calling from England. Dave!
DAVE: Carlötta! I just wanted to check in. You haven’t called me in forever. I feel like you’re overdue for a crisis you can’t get out of.
CARLÖTTA: LOL Dave. In fact, I did have a crisis today but I managed to come up with a solution on my own.
DAVE: (crestfallen) Your own, huh? Well that’s great.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah, it’s all good. I am on my way to Khloe Kardashian’s house! I’m working an event.
DAVE: Wow. That’s huge. I’m happy for you.
CARLÖTTA: You don’t sound happy.
DAVE: No, that’s amazing. Seems like you’re doing ok all on your own.
CARLÖTTA: And you?
DAVE: Yeah, I’m all right. I found out I’m the last surviving son of the 12th the Duke of Dorkenshire.
CARLÖTTA: What does that mean?
DAVE: Means I’m rich, Lottie.
CARLÖTTA: When are you coming back?
DAVE: That’s the thing. I’m not sure I am. I’m a lord now. There’s a lot I gotta lord over, ya know? The manor house, the moat, the dragons. The list goes on.
CARLÖTTA: Wow. Dave. You really leveled up. I guess you don’t need to be managing a nothing little actress like me anymore.
DAVE: Oh, don’t say that. It kind of sounds like you don’t need me anyway. Getting gigs on your own. Just say the word though and I swear I’ll hop on the next…
CARLÖTTA: Sorry Dave. You’re cutting out. I just pulled into Khloe’s driveway, gotta go.
DAVE: Wait! Lottie!
LINE GOES DEAD
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) Well Diary, I was finally here at Khloe Kardashian’s house. You can say Carlötta Beautox had arrived, literally and figuratively.
BRUNO: After your retinal scan, head to the tent for assignments.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I changed into my uniform--the baby one-sie, unicorn hat, and my fake Louboutins…the Fauxboutins. No one was the wiser. I ducked into this tiny bathroom to give the shoes one last spray of paint…just to make sure the soles stayed red.
SPRAY PAINTING SFX
CARLÖTTA: Woo! These fumes. Making me a little dizzy.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And then, we were given our assignments.
YAYA: You. With the down-market extensions. You’re passing this.
CARLÖTTA: What is it?
YAYA: An amuse bouche of deep-fried Tarantula…
CARLÖTTA: Oh god.
YAYA: …to be served with this pureed cricket and pomegranate dipping sauce.
CARLÖTTA: (near puking noise)
YAYA: Now get out there. Cigars in mouths everyone! Look sharp. Chop. Chop.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) OMG Diary. How was I going to do this? Between the plate of hairy fried bugs and being lightheaded from huffing spray paint, I was on the verge of passing out. Then I entered the house. Her house. It was like I entered heaven.
CARLÖTTA: Holy cannoli.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) It was a cloud of white. Everything was pure, snow white. The floors, the furniture, the walls were covered in white balloons too. I got too close to one with my unicorn hat.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) And just then, I felt myself rise out of my body and float above the crowd, I wondered, “Have I died?”
CRYSTAL CLASS CLINK!
KHLOE: Welcome everyone and thanks for coming to the launch of the latest product in my line. I am so proud to debut for the first time ever, drumroll: The Klitter Kegel Exerciser by Khloe, circle trademark symbol.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) There she was! My number one celebrity girl crush. My idol. Khloe Kardashian, dressed in a spotless long white dress. Wheeeeeeee! I was floating above her, above the crowd, above myself even.
KHLOE: It’s battery operated and comes with a one year warranty. I’m wearing one now. It’s also Bluetooth capable so you can stream your favorite jams out your cootchie! Let me move the mic so you can hear…
SUBTLE HUM AND HIP HOP MUSIC
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) From above, as I watched myself serving the fried bug appetizers, I realized I wasn’t grossed out anymore. It was perfect. Everything was just as it should be…I loved everyone and everything…and then…and then, I saw it.
There were red footprints all over the Khloe’s pure white floor. And they were coming from me! My spray-painted fake Louboutin shoes were leaving tracks. And people were starting to notice. Oh. My. God. This was a nightmare.
PARTY GOER 1: Look at that server!
PARTY GOER 2: She’s leaving Louboutin shoeprints.
PARTY GOER 3: She’s ruining the floor! Where’s security?
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I tried to get away from the footprints I was leaving, but the faster I moved, the more they followed me.
PARTY GOER 1: It’s almost like her shoes are bleeding, you know? For fashion. It’s genius.
PARTY GOER 2: Oh my god, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
PARTY GOER 1: I think that server might be the artist *pffft*. Rumor had it they’d be here.
PARTY GOER 3: Oh my god, you’re right, it’s *pffffft*
PARTY GOER 2: Yes! *pfffft*
CROWD RASPBERRIES *PFFFFT*
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) The faces of these angry people suddenly started to change. They were smiling. They were applauding. I didn’t understand what was happening.
PARTY GOER 2: You see what she’s doing, she’s upending bourgeois sensibility by stomping all over it. Exposing the repressive conventions of fashion and celebrity and doing it here at a Kardashian event. It’s destructive, and nihilistic, and Dada, you know, but like Neo-Dada.
PARTY GOER 3: Alright, alright, alright! What he said.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I was so out of my element. I ran for the door.
YAYA: Stop her. Stop her!
CARLÖTTA: I gotta get outta here! I gotta call Dave!
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I almost made it to the door when the Mossad agents grabbed me. I was still holding the tray of tarantulas and dipping sauce.
YAYA: You. I should have known. The bad extensions were a clue. So subversive. It is my deepest honor to finally meet you *pffft*. Banksy is just a hack corporatist in comparison. There is someone else who wants to make your acquaintance. *Pfffft* may I present…Khloe Kardashian.
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) I was face to face with the one, the only, my spirit animal Khloe Kardashian. It was so overwhelming. Words didn’t form in my mouth. I, I, reached out to shake her hand but..but..the room began to spin and I dropped the entire tray of Tarantulas with pomegranate sauce…all over her resplendent white dress. That’s when I passed out.
TRAY CRASHES, CARLÖTTA FAINTS
CARLÖTTA: (V.O.) The last thing I remember was looking up and seeing the face of Khloe Kardashian as she uttered the words…
KHLOE: That was totally awesome.
PHONE RINGING, SNORING SFX
CARLÖTTA: What? Huh? Oh, oh, my phone. Hello?
DAVE: Carlötta! It’s Dave.
CARLÖTTA: Dave! Dave. Oh, thank god it’s you, I was just having the weirdest dream. I was at this Khloe Kardashian event and there were tarantulas and balloons and I think I died…
DAVE: Are you ok? I mean, with everything that’s happened?
CARLÖTTA: Everything that happened? What happened?
DAVE: You don’t know? Carlötta, your face, your name. You’re all over the news, right now!
BRITISH NEWSCAST: The identity of *pfffft*, the elusive street artist called The New Banksy has finally been revealed after months of speculation. Posing as a food server at a Hollywood party, the woman seen in this viral video has been revealed as *pfffft*. Our sources confirm that *pffft* goes by the name Carlötta Beautox who resides in this anonymous apartment complex in Van Nuys, California.
DAVE: Carlötta! That’s our building! There are news vans outside! Look out the window.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god. They’re everywhere. TMZ is here! Is that Harvey Levin?
DAVE: This is crazy. You’re a famous artist. I had no idea you could paint! You know, I could knock 50 bucks off the rent if you re-do the trim in the hall.
CARLÖTTA: I can’t paint Dave!
IPHONE ALERTS. PING! PING! PING!
CARLÖTTA: Dave! My phone is blowing up. Holy crap.
DAVE: Carlötta, quick, look at Twitter.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god. Dave! I’m trending.
DAVE: Check your followers. You have 517!
CARLÖTTA: What? Yesterday I had 12! Now it’s 517?
DAVE: Not 517, 517 thousand!
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god. This is it. I don’t know how it happened, but it happened. It’s everything I ever dreamed of and overnight, it all came true. Dave, I’m famous!
DAVE: Yes, Carlötta, as they say in Hollywood: the plot thickens.
CARLÖTTA: Ok. (deep exhale) So now what?
CARLOTTA SINGS THE THEME SONG